To not invite ex around for DS’s birthday

[LimeHookSinker]

It’s DS’s 3rd birthday in a couple of weeks. It’s been a rough few months as during lockdown, exP moved to his parents 2 hrs away (so DS has been back and forth constantly). Now exP is living closer and DS is trying to readjust again. I want to spoil DS and give him a lovely day.

ExP and I went into town together this week to get some present ideas - the only thing he bought was a card (which I picked up and said it looked nice).

I’ve given several ideas as a present we could go halves on and he’s just happy to go with my idea rather than think of anything else himself. I’ve found a balance bike (I will order it and have to remind him repeatedly for his contribution) but it won’t come until two weeks after his birthday so there’s nothing for him on the day.

I’m looking at presents - exP isn’t. I’m looking at decorations - exP hasn’t even thought about it. I will bake a cake - you know where this is going...

The problem is that DS’s birthday is on a Monday. I already have the day off (I will need to remind exP again to book it off), so nobody else will come round. I want DS to feel loved but I’m also not keen on the idea of making an effort and exP taking half the credit for just showing up.

Should I ‘move’ DS’s birthday to the Sunday, invite my dad and just not bother inviting exP?

In this situation shouldn't he be buying his own presents and having his own birthday celebration when your son is with him?

Personally I'd just get on with doing what you want to do with him. You could take him out somewhere for the day, a lot of attractions are reservation only so nice and quiet. Then it doesn't matter who comes round on the day.

Your son will be 3!! He will have absolutely no idea about who put effort into decorations, presents, cards, etc! He'll barely have an understanding of what a birthday is.

Presumably you're making all this effort so your son will have a lovely day, not so he realises what an amazing mum he has? Just invite his dad over if you think it will make his day even better.

It was like this in our relationship. I would do everything, and exP would just not bother - if I asked, I could be waiting for weeks on end. If I reminded him, I was nagging - if I didn’t, I was to blame for not reminding him.

I want DS to feel like he’s surrounded by people who love him on his birthday. I know he’ll love little things like balloons and some things to open and I just want to give him an exciting day. So I’m on the fence - he’d been happy to have his DD there, but on the other hand it will drive me crazy hearing exP saying ‘mummy and daddy got you this’, ‘mummy and daddy did all this for you...’ etc

I do get how you feel, but you have to rise above it for your son's sake. Just roll your eyes when he says things like that - think of it as practice for the next 15 years .

I don't really understand why you're buying joint presents though? Surely when the parents are separated, the mum buyS something from her and the dad buy something from him?

I'd just do whatever made DS happiest.
He won't care who bought the balloons etc.
As he gets older he'll notice who puts the work in!.
Don't give ex the opportunity to tell DS when he's older that you kept him away from his Birthdays.

Maybe I just grin and bear it and stock the gin in for after DS has gone to bed.

We are buying together because the balance bike is quite expensive and I’m on a tight budget. I did look at smaller things to buy separately and was asking ex what he was going to get so we didn’t get the same thing, but when I said about a balance bike exP just said yes, go for that then and I’ll give you half. Probably because he doesn’t have to think tbh

I wouldn’t buy joint gifts, I wouldn’t do joint parties, I wouldn’t remind him of anything.

You’re divorced, one of the benefits is you’re not The one who should be picking up his slack.

Your DS should have a celebration with him. Which his dad has organised.

I’d do what you want and not invite or remind or say anything to you’re ex about it

And if not giving ex an opportunity to say you kept him away.

He should be organising his own celebration.

Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you have a lifetime of your ex taking credit for your hard work and effort.

Welcome to birthdays/ special occasions for the foreseeable.

Your child is 3 now, but in the future he will understand. Isn't it better that he looks forward to his birthday as a day he gets to spend happily with both his parents? Rather than it being an excuse for his parents to argue.

Rise above. Do it for your son.

“But it’s MY day” huffed the ex.*
“No, it’s DDs day” replied my DH as he handed his child her birthday present.
Silence, came the loud reply.

DSD had a great time with her mummy and daddy on her birthday, even if mummy was initially put out that DH was there at all.

It’s a nice thing to do if you’re on civil enough terms. Your ex sounds a bit useless but if your DS will be happy to see him then surely that’s what you want for him on his birthday? To have the two people who made him and who love him most in the world lavish attention on him on his birthday?

*every birthday and Christmas are her days

Your sons feelings come above your own on this day.

You son will enjoy it more if your ex is there.

So you put a smile on your face, watch your son have a lovely day with both his parents, and then thank yourself for getting a lucky escape when your ex leaves.

Why are you reminding him to book his childs bday off. If he does not care enough to book it off then he does not care. Get a gift just from you why are you going halves. If he does not bother to buy anything then it speaks wonders. You cannot force him to care you are not his mother. He sounds shit but he is not your responsibility even though it sounds like you have taken him on as some adopted child or something.

And you do not have to argue or hate. You do you, he does him. Like I said you are not his mother and unless he has some kind of disability or issue where he cannot look after himself he does not need assistance.

You’re still debating pandering to your ex. Just stop. Do it on Sunday and don’t invite your ex who clearly couldn’t give a fuck.

It’s just a bloke thing isn’t it.... I don’t know any that know how to organise a birthday card or present, including ds dh or family. I wouldn’t think he’s doing it on purpose I just don’t think they are wired right ?
I think it would be nice for all ds favourite people there on his birthday and Also do something nice Sunday too with or without his dad.

You do not know any males that know how to organise their own childs bday..... what the actual fuck you must be kidding me. That is not a bloke thing. That is a shit dad thing. You obviously know shit male role models. Please teach your sons better than that.

To be honest, I am of the opinion that unless you think your ex would hurt your son either mentally or physically, then I don't think it's a reasonable thing to do to exclude him from his child's celebrations.

Something else that you should consider, is that even though DS is too young to remember or care, he will grow to notice that his dad never has a gift for him. For that reason, I think it's actually a better idea to let him come to all of the celebrations and let DS figure out for himself how selfish his dad is.

I am sorry though, I know it's a pisstake. I don't blame you for being angry enough to consider it.