It's a work one!

[its7oclock]

I've name changed for this

Started new job several months ago. Probation is 6 months - I've already been told I've passed this. (It will end middle of August)

Anyway I'm very very very unhappy where I am. It's a step up in the line of work I do (only get an extra £100 after more tax and extra childcare costs)
It's causing me so much anxiety which I've never suffered from before, I can hear my heart beating and feel sick to the stomach and feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack 24/7. The manager is horrendous - literally screams at us. Other workers lie to try to get out of a telling off and the manager believes the lies and then bollocks the innocent person.
This happened to me again a few weeks ago and I've been a nervous wreck since.
I want to go back to my old job but my dh (not sure dear is the right word) is saying just ignore it but he just doesn't understand how hard that is!
If I hand in my notice prior to probation ending it's only 2 weeks notice whereas after it's a month.

Aibu to go back to my old job or even another? I'm very qualified in my line of work and have lots of experience (not being big headed but I'd be able to get another job easily)

My dh says I "always" do this and find fault in my job (I do have bpd but you wouldn't actually know it, lots of my close friends are unaware!)

I was in my previous job 2 years and only left as I was offered this step up. One prior to that 4 years.

Sorry for rambling on but advice very much welcome

@its7oclock

Why not have a chat with past manager and ask if she has a position at the higher level - explain you love the role and the responsibility of the new post but really miss the staff camaraderie of the old job. See if she can match the salary or at least come close. No point stepping down a level if she can offer more responsibility & pay. Having taken a break from old company and taken on a higher role, it may be she's open to bringing you back with more responsibilities, perhaps over others you were at the same lower level with previously?

I agree with Ariela

However, I also think you should stand up to the person acting like a banshee in your office.
If you don't feel you can do that, then go to her line manager, or HR, or however it works in the organistation.
If you are leaving anyway, then what have you got to lose.

Totally agree that you shouldn't put up with it, but, as you are so confident you can walk into another job, then whay not challenge it for the sake of your colleagues who might not be so fortunate as you?

Can you deffo go back to your old job - if so do it - do it now - don't look back - there is absolutely no point, even if it was more that £100 a month to feel like you're going to have a heart attack all the time.

As for your DH - he's not nearly having a heart attack so just ignore him.

It’s not up to your husband. Leave. If you’re comfortable financially, I’m horrified your dh is even bringing this up. Would he prefer you to be unhappy for the majority of your waking life?

Thank you again for all the replies.
I'm normally a confident person but this whole thing is just shattering me.
Will let you know what my old boss says and let you know.

I'd love to tell my current boss but honestly when she starts screaming at you it's so intimidating and she gets so angry. I've never witnessed anything like this in a working environment. To be honest I've never even had it in a non working environment - I don't it sounds extreme but it really is like that.

Yes, fuck this. The manager is very unlikely to change and you don't need to ruin your health for this. Once you've handed in your notice, remember there's nothing her screaming can do to affect your life. And make sure you have an exit interview to explain why you're leaving.

Definitely walk away. Your current boss sounds crazy. Hand in your notice and go sick as no one should be screamed at. If you do work.your notice and she screams at you walk away and go home. People only behave like this because they get away with it. As for your husband, I would not have respect for a man that thinks his wife should tolerate being bullied at work. Ignore what he says and do what is right for you. He will get over it. Good luck.

Tensmum is right.
People only do this because they get away with it.
It's time someone told this woman how damaging her management style is.
Do you have a HR department? Is it a family run business? (My experience is that this kind of behaviour often happens in family run businesses probably because they wouldn't get off with it elsewhere!)

I cant believe your husband is telling you to just ignore it! The boss is screaming in your face and blocking people - this person sets your reviews and gives you work, it's an artificial situation where you cant just ignore them. I'd be leaving and telling him you're disappointed he hasn't listened when you've told him how stresses it makes you feel - just because he would be fine with it doesnt mean that you are, and in fact most people would struggle to cope working in an environment like this

As you still have the possibility of moving back to your old job. Plus the money isn't much different and you are so miserable I’d say go back, as well.
For your DH, depending on your relationship in general. Do it, then tell him and calmly explain why (again) and that its done.
Maybe when you have quit, and locked in the move back you to your old job you’ll feel able to talk to HR. Otherwise, let it go. Move on.

No hr department. Very similar to a family run business. The owner and manager aren't related and she has witnessed her behaviour and doesn't do anything. Some have been there years as every time they try to leave she threatens them with no reference even though they are very very good at what they do.

Before accepting the job I looked over all the internet at reviews etc and all were amazing. Later found out she had told the staff what to type so it's all wrong with the reviews etc.

Of course try to get your old job back - asking for a step up as you really loved the place, would be amazing for a higher level role because you have already proven that you can xyz have experience in xyz ... and use all your past work to demonstrate how good a fit you are for the job.
You know exactly what your company is looking for, just show how passionate you are.

That's the problem with working with SOME small businesses, it can get suffocating. If you cannot step up and face the manager yourself and refusing to put up with her nonsense, which is fine, just leave.

"I just don't know how to convince the husband this is the best move. "

You don't need to. It your career, your mental health at stake. It's 2020 - women don't need to ask their husband's permission to leave a job. I used to have a boss that would scream and swear at me and other colleagues, and the impact on my mental health was horrific. I really sympathise.

Thank you all so much. It really has helped me not feel so alone as such.
I've spoken to my dh and had a good cry and he has finally realised how much this is affecting me and has said he will support me in what I decide to do.
I'm dreading going in tomorrow.

Does anyone have an idea how I approach the handing in my notice part. I won't be doing it tomorrow if I haven't got an answer from my old manager but I have enough savings anyway and want to do it in the next week or two.

I would just type it up and hand it in. All you need to say is that you are resigning and your last working day will be ‘xx’ as per your contract, however you will be happy to leave earlier if this suits the business model.
If they rant and shout - just say you would be happy to leave immediately if that would be easier.
Then if the say go - run! If not then you count the days until you have served your notice period - and walk away as soon as they start to shout.

Definitely ask for more responsibility & more pay to return to your old employer - why go down a level unless they haven't got an equivalent role?

And then just write a letter 'Dear (Employer)
I am resigning from my post with immediate effect, my (x) days notice less (y) days holiday accrued means my last working day is z.'

Just be careful to read your contract. Where I am annual leave cannot be used as part of your notice period. However, when I left the hell of the screamers, I was on 3 weeks leave. I quit after the first week of leave and they didn't make me come back. I physically couldn't go back anyway as I had lost my voice by that stage - since discovered that only happens under extreme stress.

I've reread the contract and it states I can use any holiday that's not been used during my notice period.
I haven't taken any holiday yet as the manager moans if you want holiday - even just one day and I've been working full time during the pandemic and having to work late at night (not paid)
I can't go into too much detail as I don't want to be outed but there's a lot of things that weren't said during the recruitment stage too

If you're genuinely unhappy you are right to move.

But ... you would be mad to hand in your notice until you have formally signed the contract for a new job. your old boss saying "yes we'd love to have you back" or similar is not good enough. Personally I think you should look to move on rather than back, but realise the job market isn't exactly great at the moment.

I'd also add a note of caution. If your DH think you "always find fault" with a job - is he right? I had a close friend with bpd, and her perceptions of things that happened were always much worse than mine. I'm not saying this is your case, but you should at least give it some thought.

@Redskyatnight I understand what you're saying but I cope very well with my bpd. You wouldn't realise I have it unless you see an emotional episode (which even my husband has rarely seen) I may be slightly more sensitive but I'm confident so it doesn't really show and I don't normally let people effect me like this.
I've been in the same line of work for over a decade and yes I've changed companies in that time but it's fairly standard in my line of work as you move up as lots of companies only go to a certain level (sorry for the vagueness) so it's been needed to further my career.

I think my husband says that as we normally have a very very solid relationship. I moan at him like normal if something pisses me off and he also hears the good at every job I've been in but he thinks I find fault because I moan. He doesn't realise he moans and I just let him moan if that makes sense and don't ever bring it up even if he repeats it etc

Well, if you are walking away anyway, and you feel you don't need the reference, they write into your letter why you are leaving.
Get it on file that the company or losing a skilled employee because of the way the Manager behaves.