4 year old sleep fears

[JagerPlease]

DS is nearly 4. He's always been a bad sleeper (resorted to co-sleeping until 2 as he woke so often, at 2.5 had to do the "back to bed" technique to get him to go to sleep without being hugged, until recently he'd get up every night and get into bed with me or exW).

Out of the blue in the last couple of weeks he's suddenly developed an intense fear of monsters in his room, so he cries about not being in there without someone else. He's also insistent on checking all doors are locked in case someone breaks in. At my house, he will not go to sleep in his bed, he just follows me back downstairs. At exWs he expresses the fears but ultimately goes to sleep.

I've tried talking to him about his fears, explaining monsters aren't real, explaining mummy will protect him, buying a new "magic light" to keep monsters away, bribery, threatening (and going through with) taking away a treat the next day, lying down with him (he says he knows I won't stay because I'll go and eat my dinner).

I'm at a loss, what can I do? I don't want to be mean to him if he's genuinely scared but at the same time I need him to go to be able to sleep without me!

Have you asked your exW how she does it and perhaps try that?

Yeah we compare notes every evening, but he just doesn't refuse to sleep in his bed at hers so I don't understand what's different here!

Hi op I recommend Phillipa Perrys 'the book you wish your parents had read' for this. She specifically talks about monsters and whats going on/how you can help dc. Basically its feelings he doesn't know how to deal with and you need to be a safe container for his feelings. Get him to draw the monsters, ask him about them, give him lots of live. Honestly I'd let him bedshare if it were me. It sound like he is moving between parents and that is very disconcerting for such small children.

Bit random, but is there something in his room at your house creating a scary shadow? I still remember from when I was a kid, there was a parrot on my chest of drawers that made a shadow that looked like a scary person!

My DS don't like it when we don't have the TV on. They know that we are downstairs because they can usually hear the TV. If we are sitting quietly (or doing something else) they always come looking for us!

@cosycatsocks thanks, will look into the book. I wouldn't mind the bedsharing but he is such a horrendous fidget and essentially clambers all over me so I get no sleep at all. He's certainly used to 2 homes as we split when he was 18 months so it's all he's ever known

@Fatted interesting idea, when he's not here I'll go and lie in there one night and see if I can see anything!

Has there been a recent change in routine that you can correlate with when the monsters became a thing?

Also, not be drastic, but is there a possibility of a ‘monster’ person in real life? Trauma can often appear through nightmares, sleep disturbances and monsters. I get that it’s might come across OTT, when it’s relatively normal for every child to experience nightmares at times in their life, but it’s worth holding in mind imo.

He's 4. I thought all kids go through this around then. They get an imagination overdrive! Threatening and punishing for having nightmares is really mean. It's not like he chooses to have them.

My DS went through a similar thing at that age.

As adults, we know that monsters are not real, but to a 4 year old, they are real. I used to catch his monster and throw it out of the window and we would shout bye bye monster and shut the window.

If he had any bad thoughts before bed, I would ‘pull them out of his head’ and flush them down the toilet and then think of 3 nice things to think about that he was going to dream about.