To ask you how you get on with life and stop fearing every aspect of it??

[feelingthefearbutnotdoingit]

I've had a difficult life. Huge traumas in the past. Not trying to be woe is me, it just is what it is.

I'm at the stage now where I need to sort my life out, but I'm stuck in some weird kind of mental paralysis.

I'm scared and avoidant of everything.

It's difficult to even describe tbh.

I have only worked part time or not at all for many years, I lack confidence and that's not an excuse. I need to be working full time within the next 3 years or I will lose our home (benefits stopping). I struggle massively to even engage with the GP to get sick notes and the dwp. It makes me panic every time I have to deal with them or call them. I ran away from an extremely abusive home and quickly found that benefits are almost impossible to live on, so ended up in an equally abusive situation for many years. It scares me to deal with 'them' but I also don't feel able to work. I desperately want to, but I just don't know how to act around others or what I could do. I want to do care work or pharmacy work, something stable and it needs to be full time.

I need to be healthier and stop eating junk. I don't even shower for a week at a time unless I have to go somewhere. .

I only speak to my sisters, no other adults really.

I force myself to do housework and cook every day.

I don't even know who I am really or how to be, I just seem to drift through life scared of any interaction.

How on earth do you just function and be??

I realise I may sound crazy.

I also worry about how others view me, even though I try not to, I can't help it. I'm not attractive and a bit weird looking, and it shouldn't matter, but I find myself having anxiety about how others are viewing me when I have contact with them.

I have to have 'systems' for everything, like meals and clothes, and I get really overwhelmed if there's too much choice.

No real advice but I do understand where you're coming from, though I'm not as badly affected by this as you are. I can't do anything without getting in a bit of a flap about it - even popping to the shop gets my heart rate going, but luckily it's not so bad that I'm not able to push through it. It's difficult to stop overthinking things if that's how you are.

When you've worked in the past, have you found that it's become easier the longer you've been there? I don't mean the duties of the job specifically, but things like being around people, being out of the house, etc. When I first started my job I was so terrified of using the phone (no idea why) that I'd go to the toilet after every phone call to calm down. A few years later I don't get that nervousness anymore, though I don't think I'll ever be someone who has the gift of the gab so to speak. Hopefully this will be the same for you (not necessarily with regards to phones!), but I know taking that first step can feel impossible when you're in the thick of it. As I said, no real advice, just wanted to give some moral support!

You need to be kind to yourself. Become your best friend and be the person you love the most. Other things will slowly follow and you should gradually become more confident. Don't put up with people who make you feel bad.

You mentioned care/pharmacy work. Have you considered retraining in phlebotomy. People will always need blood tests so the work would be stable. The work would be repetitive so once you have your "system" you should be ok. The patients will most likely be anxious and in reassuring them, you might find you reassure yourself. You won't have to deal with patients longterm as you would if you went into care, so less risk of personality clashes. Many care workers also have to regularly deal with angry relatives which you may find very stressful, so phlebotomy might be a good option in a caring/medical profession. Good luck.

Also, have you considered confidence/assertiveness workshops?

I don't have much advice just a hand hold. You can do this! You've over come so much in your life, that's how strong you are. So every time you think you can't, remember you can- because you already have.

To start with, start small. So showering - having a shower every day helps you to feel clean and fresh. It gives you a routine. Every time you achieve a routine it makes you feel in control. Have you ever seen the video about the army commander explaining why you should make your bed every morning? It's a great video, look it up. Even if you don't achieve anything else that day, you can look back and think "I had a shower, I achieved that". It gives you strength and power. Plus showers are nice! Get some nice cleaning products, nice shampoo etc. Use that time to treat yourself, you deserve it!

Once you've got in the habit of showering each day, you can look at another small task you want to achieve regularly. Going for a walk, or filing your paper work etc. Build that into your routine. But don't forget, if you are hit and miss at first, keep going. One failure doesn't mean you have failed. You'll be amazed what these small things do for your confidence.

I wish you all the best.

@Toblerone345 thanks for your reply and sorry to hear you struggle too. You are so right it's hard to stop overthinking. In most of the jobs I've had (3 but didn't last long) I ended up having panic attacks before work getting increasingly worse so I left in the end - the last of those ended 2017. The last job I had even though it was stressful I was able to push through the uncomfortable feelings and get into a rhythm. Maybe just due to maturing and not wanting to repeat the same patterns. I didn't leave that job, it was a cafe and it has closed permanently now. So I need to get work.

@Moomin12345 thanks, I will try. There's someone in my life who at times doesn't treat me well. I tend to stick to my sisters for support as I know we'll always be there
for each other iyswim. They are at different life stages than me though and I'd like friends and some form of social life but no idea how, and I have a 'thing' about spending money, I'm skint but have been worse and scared of going back to then so feel I should save every last penny.

@Daftodil thanks for your reply. Phlebotomy sounds like a good idea thanks for the suggestion. I am hard working but I need something which has a clear 'pathway' ie do this course, qualify for this specific job. My circumstances are due to get very precarious and it's not fair on my DC to pursue something which doesn't lead to full time employment. Thanks it sounds like a good idea and seems to be a 1 day course, so can't lose. I am also considering either an NC in Care (possibly HNC too) or just applying for care work again. Or an NC in pharmacy services to be a pharmacy support assistant. My core strength isn't great for lifting etc so maybe pharmacy would be better, but not great at science either. Can only do one course. I'll definitely do the phlebotomy day course though. I get scared that actually I'll never be any good at anything and I'll fail. Argh.

I did an assertiveness course many years ago, I'll definitely look into that thanks. I don't even answer my front door or phone cause being put on the spot I kind of babble and people look at me like , I wait until they leave a message then think about what to reply. I also tend to say yes to everything then resent it. Recently I've thought I should say "let me think for a minute.." or something.

@Lurchermom thanks, that is kind.

There is definitely something going on with me more than 'just' the PTSD and anxiety/depression. When I was a child (before the traumas), I stopped interacting in school for nearly a year, wouldn't communicate at all and barely did at home. I overthink things and can't get a 'grasp' on my thoughts, so intellectually I can say to myself it's ok or whatever, but I can't 'feel' that or make it stick.

I try to make routines and systems for everything but then obviously routines have to change sometimes so I think why bother then rip up the routine and do nothing, or the bare minimum fire fighting. I want certainty but I know things are uncertain and I don't like that.

Wish I could switch off my brain and be 'normal'

You sound like you have been through a lot. And survived it. Please try and be exceptionally kind to yourself. I think your career choices sound fab, and I wonder if in the short term you have any chance of accessing any therapy as it may help you to manage some of the stuff that is holding you back. I wish you all the best.

@Perfectstorm12 thanks I will ask about therapy.

@ThisIsTheBadger thanks very much. I'm going to try doing some washing, having a shower, taking the bins out, and making some soup today hopefully.

I think there's a certain amount of needing to 'tell yourself' to do stuff when you are feeling really low. I definitely have had to do this, and then I notice that it has become a routine and incorporated in my day. It is bloody hard though. So don't underestimate what you are getting yourself through.

Well, you write really well! Could you get a job proofreading, editing, etc? That's a huge skill.

@Perfectstorm12 Yes, I 'tell myself' to do things a lot. Almost everything I do in fact.

@managedmis See, I think I write terribly!! Thanks though, I will definitely look into that. I'd really like to work at home.

I get scared that actually I'll never be any good at anything and I'll fail. Argh.

We all have these thoughts to some degree. Like a previous poster, I used to get a bit funny about calling people on the phone, but the more you do something, the easier it becomes. "This will be easier than last time" is a good mantra.

There is a good Ted talk called something like "Fake it til you make it" or something about using 'power poses' to help you feel more confident. Really interesting and definitely worth a watch if you want to psych yourself up for something.

FWIW I also agree with @managedmis - you write beautifully!

Medication