Relative not coping

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I can't change this from AIBU I'm sorry it's stuck. I am hoping someone has some knowledge please. My elderly Nan has dementia, this has been obvious for quite some time but lockdown has completely thrown her routine and it's gone rapidly down hill since March. The confusion, not recognising people, forgetting recent events but remembering things from 40 years ago all the usual stuff. However at the minute she is no danger to herself with regards to being at home. She wanders off sometimes but she is capable of grooming herself, washing herself, making a cup of tea etc. The authorities are monitoring her and have adapted her home slightly with handles etc (so fuck all basically) but she is miles off from being given a place in a care home despite the fact she has worked and paid into the system her whole life. She owns no property and we don't have the money to go private. As you know it is an obscene amount of money to be able to afford that. Nobody can take her in, we don't have the room in our homes and it would be too difficult anyway. Her physical health is in great condition despite her being 86 so this could go on for 10 years. There has been talk of some sort of support group taking her out in the afternoons but this hasn't materialised.

My concern is for my Mum and my Auntie who are struggling to look after her, but my Auntie in specific. She has spent her entire life having to look after other people and has had very little life of her own. Now it's happening all over again and her mental health is absolutely on its arse. She already has a tense relationship with my Nan along with other issues in her life that are seriously getting her down and feels she just cannot cope for any longer. I am seriously concerned for her welfare. She doesn't need counselling, she doesn't need medication. She needs more freedom. She is in tears constantly. There is nobody else in the family to share the burden. Is there anything else we can do about this?

www.carersuk.org/for-professionals/digital-resource?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4PyDrdzC6gIVG-ztCh0NvwqcEAAYASAAEgLUQvD_BwE

Your Aunt needs to put perfect first and walk away.

I’ve had to do this with my own father. I’ve spent my whole life since I was a small child putting him first And Caring for him through his mental Illnesses, controlling behaviour and now his slow decent into dementia Now he’s in his mid 80s (I’m an only child, mum died when I was small, no other family at all).

I was at breaking point. I’m 40 and I’ve never had a life without having to put him at the centre of it. My own children had to come down the list from him, I’ve never been able to have a career, move to a place that I want to and my first marriage broke up over it.

I could get him no help either and he wouldn’t accept it anyway - it’s my job as far as he’s concerned. I’ve had to just accept that if he wanderers or gets hurt then that’s just how it is.

It sounds harsh but people don’t realise the toll it takes on the carer. I’m done with it now.

It will lay more burden on your mum I know, but your aunt needs to put her own mental health first and walk away.

*put herself first, not perfect

I see your point but she would never, ever do that. She wouldn't do it to my Mum either. It just won't happen. Plus my Nan is hard work but she's not a monster, we love her. We just can't handle this.

You need to talk to social services and say that there is nobody to care for her full time. Unfortunately, having been through this recently, we found that Año help was forthcoming until mil was hospitalised for a fall/stroke. It was so hard to get her into a specialist home. You have to push like a mad thing, it’s so difficult to cut through the red tape.

What are you looking to have happen? Home carers? A full time care home placement?

You say she copes ok but would she cope without the extra support and would your mum & aunt agree for her to be placed in care?

We just want some help, someone to go in and check on her perhaps keep her company a couple of days per week so my Mum and Auntie can have days off I suppose. A home would be ideal full time, my Mum and Auntie think it's too soon for that and my Nan would know she's been "shoved in a home" but I think she'd be happier there once settled in. If they both abandoned her - they won't but for arguments sake - I don't think she would set the house on fire etc but she would get distressed not knowing where they are, she would wander off and start asking strangers in the street where she lives.

Ok does she live alone?

Would it be feasible for her to have a home carer maybe start of with once in the morning to make sure she's had breakfast, taken her medication, had a wash etc? That way your aunt and mum don't need to go first thing and there will be somebody keeping an eye on her daily. This may alleviate some of the pressure on your Aunt.

Age concern offer a befriending service so it may be worth trying them. Most care agencies are task focused unless paying privately where you could request a companionship call.

Does your nan claim attendance allowance?

If not make sure she puts in a claim and use this money to employ a carer for a day a week or a few hours a day so that your mum and aunt get a break.

Most of us have worked and paid into the system. I’m not sure why you think this is relevant or what point you’re making.

There are strict criteria for care home admission as places are few and far between and expensive. If you don’t build up your own savings/have your own house, you’re at the mercy of the system unfortunately.

@proudboomer thank you I'll look into that x