Refusal

[MadameBee]

Interested in other people’s strategies for dealing with teenagers who outright refuse to do things ie set schoolwork because they would rather be on their phone or when asked to have a shower because they smel and it’s unpleasant for others (would not say this btw).

How do you navigate it?

And to avoid drip feed yes this is my step children who refuse when their dad asks.

I did not have this with my own kids and I had more options as they live here IYSWIM

Yes, most modern routers supplied by ISP's should be capable of hosting multiple networks. 'Guest' is often a distinct option in itself.

@SpookyNoise

Stop paying for their phones until they abide by your rules when in your home.

Yes this is a constant disagreement between DH and I, they are contract and he got them initially so they could contact him.

They didn’t even bother to text on Fathers Day and arrived yesterday and didn’t realise it was his birthday.

I'd be removing their devices rather than mess around with WiFi, do they not have data anyway, making it pointless? dh needs to be very firm setting some boundaries

@Chickychoccyegg

I'd be removing their devices rather than mess around with WiFi, do they not have data anyway, making it pointless? dh needs to be very firm setting some boundaries

I fear the horse has already bolted with this.

She told him to “shut up” today

I totally agree with removal of devices and removal of wifi too.
However, if I were you and your DP I would also be questioning why your DSD1 doesn't seem to have any interest in maintaining her personal hygiene. I have worked with teenage girls in a secondary for over 10 years and the only times I have ever dealt with situations where hygiene is being neglected is where the student has low mood or is depressed or suffering some other MH issue. Getting teens to open up about this stuff can be like pulling teeth. It is v possible that your DSD1 already has significant self esteem issues and already feels ashamed/embarrassed/disgusted by herself (or how she perceives herself to be). Lack of hygiene in way you've described is a form of self neglect and mentally healthy people don't self neglect in this way. With schools out and about to stay out for summer too it is hard but I would email her Head of year at school and say you're worried and are there any suggestions they have or could they agree to give her some 1:1 sessions at school with a pastoral worker from september if you feel she needs it still then.

IME all 6 of my kids have had a phase where they have to be forced into the shower and then after that is the phase where you can’t get them out of the shower.

She also didn’t have a deodorant and it was BO.

Dd tried the no shower thing a couple years back.
I used to have to remind her to get showered.
Then one day in the car we had a chat about it. I told her no one wants to be the smelly kid and she probably can't smell it herself but those around you can, including in class and teachers etc.
Now she showers each night before bed, she gets compliments on how lovely her hair is all the time in school. She's so much happier.
Dh best friend was told by a teacher after class at 15. He was held back a minute then spoken to about body odor and showering, and asking if he had access to a shower and deoderant, teacher told him what a lovely lad he was, but he was afraid it was putting off others from getting to know him. He was mortified and has had excellent hygiene since. He said he wished his Mum or Dad had cared enough to tell him first.

No phones at my table......phone= no food!

And no smelly people either!

Turn the wifi off or cancel the phone u til they can do as they are told,
Ps didn’t take long in my house, and now ANYONE that comes to my house to eat leaves their phone off!

Bonus!

Yeah we have always had no phones at mealtimes rule.

In our house, screen time goes away if a child refuses school work or chores. Forgetting to do a task doesn’t mean punishment for us, just if there is refusal.
So far, WiFi does back on once the task is done. We have never had it escalate to the point where we had to leave it off just on principal.

You can block specific devices or accounts so the adults or well-behaved family members still have access.

Take chargers away. Nothing more satisfying as a frustrated dm than seeing the % dropping and the panic in their faces!!
..

Ooh I'm not sure if I'm reading this wrong but I don't feel you like them very much - making them go to school whether they have tummy ache or not at a time when schools are all over the place and nothing feels normal 🙄 it isn't nice having smelly teens around but some basic rules like no one is allowed to do anything pleasant such as go on phones etc until showers are done might help. Re school work- unless they're with you all 5 school days leave it- not your issue. My DC have often done the work set by a Friday anyway. Do they come every week and is it just like a second home to them?

So because I am a SM I “don’t like them very much”

I love them, I don’t like their behaviour Very much sometimes 👍🏻

Deliberately eating dairy products to make yourself ill is something that should be punished

As is telling dad to shut up

Did you read that as eating dairy to make herself ill?
I read it as pretending she couldn’t have dairy for attention, eating it anyway, then she was pretending to be ill, to get out of school!

@MadameBee

Because they came last night and today is a school day?

DSD2 is supposed to go in on Tuesdays but hasn’t been in once as get stomach aches and shouldn’t eat dairy (I have bought alternatives for her) continues to eat dairy and says she has a stomach ache and her mother lets her not go in.

If she were my child she would be going in stomach ache or not.

it says she shouldn't eat dairy and does anyway gets stomach aches

Its a school dodge that I wouldn't allow