Alcohol

[question22]

Would you be bothered if your husband/partner went for a few drinks every Friday after work?

And then a few on Saturday again, and sometimes on a Sunday. (Could sometimes just be 6 beers in the house)

I don't drink much at all and don't know if this is excessive? Am I being unreasonable in thinking it is? especially considering we have a 3 month old.

It is starting to bear on me, I thought I wanted this partnership for life, now I don't know if I can be with someone who dedicates this much of their week drinking alcohol.

All 3 days. 6 beers are meant to be shared not drunk all by one person over a weekend. Nah I think this is excessive

I would, yes and this is one of the reasons I left my first marriage. I drink but I wanted a space in my domestic life which wasn’t dominated by alcohol and he couldn’t accommodate this.

It’s up to you. But what I would say is that coaxing, nagging and persuasion won’t be enough to change him if he doesn’t want to change.

If it’s important enough to you you might have to be prepared to go it alone.

Do you mean 6 pints on each of 3 days? That’s 18 pints or 36 units of alcohol.

The recommended intake is 14 Units a week.

18 small stubby bottles over a weekend would be better.

I would be fine with it if it was just a few on two of the days. Three days in a row is a bit much.

I think it would be worth working out closely how many units he is drinking a week.

Does he drink on other nights?

6 X 3 pretty excessive

6 ÷ 3 most likely fine

Although any amount of habitual drinking can be bad ime

It's hard to say without a bit more detail. "A few beers after work" could be 2 or 3, or 10 pints. And it could be superstrength lager or something at under 4% alcohol.

Ditto the "6 beers". Are they pints of Brewdog's new beer at 6.8% ABV or those little stubby bottles of lager at 3.8 or 4%. Six 330ml bottles of 4% ABV is around 40ml of alcohol, six 440ml bottles at 6.8% is around double that.

If you know what he drinks, work out the number of units of alcohol he has over a week. If he's around or above the old safe limit of 28 units a week, I'd say he's drinking a bit much. The current "safe" limit is 14 units a week, which I think is absurdly low - half a bottle of wine and a G&T twice a week would take you above that level.

But on the face, a few beers out with his mate and 3 day at home at weekends wouldn't really concern me. I used to drink loads more than that, had my liver function tested a few times for various reasons, and it was always fine.

I don't think that having a few drinks on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday is necessarily much alcohol (it's less than I drink, certainly!), but I wouldn't be happy with dh going out to the pub 3 nights a week. Where would be my time to do something? The other 3 nights? And then we'd never see each other, except once a week. It would be fine if it was home with me though. Dh and I each (in normal times) only go out about 1 every 2 months or so. Life is busy. We don't get much quality time during the week, so the weekends are our only times to sit down and relax together. I'd be annoyed if he spent that rare time with friends instead and left me with all the boring stuff at home with the kids.

It’s the going out three nights a week some weeks that would bother me, when you have a new baby. I bet you don’t get the same opportunity.

2 beers on Friday, Sat and Sun - fine. 6 beers on each day, excessive.

It’s more the frequency of him going out - is he leaving you to do all the childcare across the weekend or is it usually always goes out on Friday, but for this particular weekend he’s going out every weekend day?

Does he come home still fairly sober?

Do you get the chance to socialise once a week?

If yes, I don't see a problem.

This routine is common where I’m from. Usually mechanics where I’m from would be my regulars on a Friday and Saturday night and sometimes a Sunday. They would sit in the bar and was usually a way for them to socialise and get down time. This was their support network and they would speak about their kids and everything. I always wondered how happy their OH’s felt about the time away from family (rather than alcohol intake) but sometimes on a Sunday they’d come along.

Calculating the units over a week is definitely an angle to look at from the perspective of his health. If you're wondering whether he can be your partner for life whilst drinking this much then you need to ask yourself what is the fundamental issue here? Is he spending more than you can afford / want to spend on alcohol? Is he a pain and hard to be around when he's had a few? Is him being out of the house your concern? Does he have hangovers and is he unable to participate in family life? I think you need to nail the aspect that bothers you the most and address that with him before you consider whether he's your former partner or not.

*forever (not former!!)

It doesn't matter if it bothers readers here....the question is does it bother you?

I think the does sound like quite a lot to be honest. I’d also be a bit pissed off if dh was spending weekends in the pub while I was at home looking after the dc.

They are usually 330ml bottles which are around 5% I think, 6 or more each night, but it's not every Sunday, and can sometimes have a couple during the day.

He seems drunk to me but denies it and is usually very annoying and can be argumentative.

I have even found a couple of empty bottles stashed while cleaning in the bathroom unit and boiler cupboard, only twice. Not that it's okay even once.

Yes I am doing all the cooking/cleaning and childcare during the week, and no I don't really get a chance to go out minus our doing activities with the kids albeit limited at the moment, although if I arranged something he would be more than happy to have the kids.

It's starting to get to me that much I'm unsure about our future and don't want to kiss/have sex as he stinks of booze and even when he doesn't it just puts me off anyway.

6 beers spread over the 3 days doesn't sound too bad.

But going out to drink 3 nights in a row is too much on the regular. When do you get your time?

As for the drinking itself, and what you deem acceptable, I think a lot of it is down to what you grew up with.

Op, If he’s taken to hiding the empties, he is almost certainly drinking more than he tells you. Those are the actions of an alcoholic.

Is there any way you can find out how much he is really drinking? I wouldn’t get in a car with him driving Friday - Monday because he’ll probably be pushing the limit.

Sorry but I think you need to find out for sure or you are putting yourself at risk.

Yes if he stinks of booze and seems drunk, that does suggest there might be more going into him on the quiet, depending on the dpedd if drinking, his size , and his alcohol tolerance

Speed, not " dpedd" 🙄

6 a night is a lot I think. I don't drink that much either and I don't drink beer, but that does sound a lot.

I guess if it was 6 glasses of wine, that'd be like having more than a bottle every night?

That sounds excessive, but I do absolutely hate alcohol. When do you get a chance to do things for yourself???

The alcohol alone doesn’t sound excessive to me. I’d be surprised if an average build male was drunk on 6x 5% beer. Especially a regular drinker.

What would bother me is him being out every Friday night and me being left alone to do the bedtime routine. Also if he was drinking during the day on Saturday and Sunday that would bother me because I’d feel like the responsible adult (the only one able to drive etc). I’d feel like it was down to me all weekend.

If it was just in the evenings and he pulled his weight during the day, let me get some lie ins etc I’d be ok with that.