AIBU to ask how you talk to complicated people?

[Eagly456]

Like complicated friends of friends, complicated relatives and so on.

Hi, YANBU to ask, but I am not sure what you mean by complicated? Do you mean people who are argumentative, take offence?

Straightforwardly?
I think it depends on what you mean by complicated.

I was talking about people who treat other people in an unfair way, boss them around, guilt trip them, make them feel inferior a d so on.

For example: what to do if a person I love is treated that way.

I do not want to be offensive in such a case because I think it is not helpful.

You can only deal with the people you are connected to. Your sister's boss, your friend's abusive boyfriend- nothing you can do.

What is the situation in which you have to speak to these complicated people?

If you're witnessing unfair treatment in the moment, a simple "Wow." or "Well, that's not very nice/ helpful/ complimentary" or "Did you mean to come across as so rude?" then changing the subject immediately might work. They'd really have to be vindictive or petty to change the subject back to continue the abuse.

If you're not present when it happens, but you want to make a point of disapproving, are you able to reduce your interaction with the complicated people? Politeness without warmth can be a surprisingly effective treatment.

@RiotAndAlarum There are actually several examples

*I think that a friend is making other friends feel back because he is judgemental of their so called cowardice when they don’t share his opinion on corona want to be more careful (I don’t want this to be a thread about corona)
*FIL is very judgemental of his grown-up children about little things like “You have no table manners“ (currently we don’t see them much because of corona) but he still phones and judges dh. It’s always something small like dh does something in the garden and he complains why he didn’t hire somebody (dh loves working in the garden) or dh buying something and it is the wrong kind of thing and the brand sucks (according to FIL).

With people like that I would call them out tbh, but also it sounds like they are not great to be around so probably minimise the time I spend with them.

My problem is not the time I have to spend with them. Yes, I sometimes try to minimize that.
The problem is they make my loved ones feel bad and I want t explain that to them in a way they understand. I do not want to offend them but hope to change their behaviour - maybe it’s a stupid idea.

(I don't want this to be a thread about corona, either! ) Is this friend pressuring people to meet up? Perhaps he feels rejected, and that's a pity for him, but would it take the sting out of things for him if you/ your friends avoided discussions about meet-up, so he doesn't feel left out?

Your FIL sounds as though he feels similarly rejected by things which aren't about him, so... telling him less? humorously "predicting" his response before he can get it in?

@RiotAndAlarum Our friend and other buddies want to go to the pub with other friends... and if they don’t want to he tells them they are cowards and speaks ill of them. One friend has diabetes, another one has anxiety. I think that this is just not right.

Actually it’s easy to predict FILs response. It’s always negative. Why did you do this and not that? I think his is being bored since he stopped working and bossing others around.

I think that if you are part of the conversation, you can say something to the point then change the subject. In the corona example: “well, it’s her call! Have you heard from (different mutual friend) lately?” In the brand example: “this works for us! Anyone for a cuppa?” For the hiring a gardener vs doing it yourself “you’re right, we could have hired someone, but it’s satisfying to do what we can ourselves. Got any plans for your garden?”

There are ways of deflecting this kind of negativity without having a Big Conversation About How You’re Doing Conversations Wrong, Fil/Friend/Other. That’s objecting to someone being negative and critical by...being negative and critical.

If you’re worried about how your other friend or partner is being affected by these conversations, you can check in with them separately about it. They might be upset and appreciate your support, or dealing with things in their own way by letting it all wash over them. Some of the examples you’ve given for your Fil could come from a place of concern - worrying your DH has taken on too much, or is making an uninformed choice. It might be tactless but I wouldn’t assume malice unless it’s obvious.