I wasn't physically abused, but I'm still hurt??

[Triangle114]

I'm almost 36 years old. As a child my parents took drugs, we didn't get hugs etc. I self harmed as a teen. I was never punched, sexually abused, or hurt outwardly.
I was still denied,
But emotional care was dire. I phoned an ambulance for my parents frequently. I still feel because it wasn't physical abuse it's disregarded.
I don't even know what solution I want. Both my parents are dead now.
I just feel like because my childhood was only 'mild' abuse, it's me being dramatic.
I really can't connect to people.

That's not mild at all.

It was shit. Don't downplay it.

Do you have siblings or other family to talk to.

No other advice I hope someone better will be along soon.

I had a conversation just today with someone about a child we are working with. Saying how we believe that emotional abuse and neglect are so so damaging.

It is not disregarded and it's not mild.

You were abused OP. Neglect is abuse. I’m so sorry you went through this. I don’t have advice I’m sorry but there will be others along soon who have. There is help out there, take it because you deserve it

You're not unreasonable at all. Your life was hard growing up, some of the time you would have had to parent your parents! They must have died quite young.

Please do seek counselling; it will help you to accommodate your experiences and to move on. You are a young person with many years ahead of you and you can be happy in the future.

All the very best.

That’s not mild.

That’s abuse. Neglect. It’s big.

Don’t ever downplay it again. It sounds like an absolute nightmare.

It sounds like you had severe child neglect when you were growing up.
The drugs also I presume meant that there were no safe adults to help you form either healthy emotional attachments And an environment that likely interrupted your natural childhood development.

What you are describing is not small. There's no reason that without the right help it's not something that you can put to rest though. Or at least deal with the parts that interfere with your day to day living.

I'm very sorry not only for what you have been through but also that you have been left thinking that what happened to you wasn't serious enough for you to to be affected by it now.

You need to talk, I've only recently been able to label what my mother did to me as abuse. It was predominantly emotional abuse and the scars run deeper as it destroyed my own self worth.

I ended up having a breakdown last year to a combination of things and at the root was my relationship with my mother. Therapy has greatly helped me make some peace with the past and I'm working on myself to treat myself the way I wished I had been.

You had a bad childhood and it’s very very damaging
So make it a priority to get some help OP

Take yourself seriously and think about what can help you face up , and own the impact it’s had on you

I am having some trauma counselling at the moment and realising how damaging neglect (and emotional/psyhological abuse) is.

Id say "Oh I wasnt propelry sexually abused/physically hit much." But growing up in a home with no affection, when you're not wanted is going to take its toll isnt it.
I too called ambulances, (and still do 🙄) and havent really worked out how to manage life well.

Im morbidly obese and there's clearly a link in my case. I also found having kids has made the whoel trauma so mcuh worse as its made me realise how small I was and how different and protective my feelings are to my kids.

All I can say is its not "mild" abuse. Its actually quite sever. Im just realising this at 41....

People may think it’s mild if that’s what you tell them. Objectively, this doesn’t sound mild. Getting some counselling to talk this through could be helpful. Is that something you would think about?

Emotional abuse is just as valid as physical abuse. I was neglected heavily as a child and have serious mental health problems because of it.

I highly recommend therapy, they will take it seriously and help you deal with what happened. I'm not 100% normal now but I'm a lot better functioning than I was a few years ago.

Just want to echo PP about getting some help for yourself.
I too had an abusive childhood, some physical, but mostly emotional. I just thought that's how life was, how parents acted, or that I must have deserved it etc. You see it as mild because that's just how your life was. Tell anyone about what happened to you, and they will be horrified. It's not right what you went through.
I'll always have mental health issues as a result, but EMDR was the best therapy that made a difference to how I function now.

Nothing you describe is "mild" - you've described serious emotional neglect. You don't have to have been physically or sexually abused to have suffered trauma - lack of attachment to caregivers and the sort of instability you describe is more than enough.

I suffered far "milder" at the hands of my neglectful mother and have quite a severe case of complex PTSD as a consequence, which has in retrospect impacted every aspect of my life (and as someone above mentioned, my weight) and utterly destroyed any self-worth I might have had. I didn't realise until I entered therapy in my 30s that my mindset and self-image weren't "normal" - finding out about Cptsd changed my life.

As a starting point, I strongly recommend reading The Body Keeps The Score by Besel van der Kolk and Cptsd: From Surviving to Thriving, both about the impact of trauma - both provide an insight into how the sort of childhood you describe impact your brain, including its physical development. A good trauma-informed therapist would probably help a lot.

For me, the older I got, the harder it seemed to get. Maybe it's because my friends all started to have children and I saw the care, affection and protection they received compared to my own childhood.

It sounds like you've suffered real trauma (it doesn't matter if it was intentional on your parents' part or not). When anything happens to us as children, we're helpless and for that reason we blame ourselves. There's always someone out there we can say has suffered "worse" than we have, but you were a child and deserved stability and emotional support as much as any other.

@HappyPear - ‘Body Keeps The Score.’ I second that recommendation.

Also : Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -from surviving to thriving. By this author

www.pete-walker.com/

Both recommendations will be found on the book shelves of a good counsellor.

Also. My children are also dealing with impact of my CPTSD from my childhood on my parenting. It feels like a double whammy. Getting help early on impacts on the present generation and future. 💐

I can totally relate to being overweight!
I used to hide bread in my drawer's so I could eat it at night because I was always hungry.
My mum passed away when I was 5 and my dad got married to a woman who was an alcoholic and hated me getting in the way of my dad. I just remember my mum went away to hospital one night and never came back. I cried until I was about 7. Then I had a sister that was born and I was really happy but my step mum hated me, so I wasn't allowed to play with my sister because I was bad apparently.
I remember getting the last of everything. Being told to everyone, I'm not her real daughter but husband's child etc.
I hated mother's day.
I even remember having my step mums old boots for school shoes and they were navy blue, and I polished them to be black because I felt embarrassed about having blue school shoes.
My dad would go missing for days.
He died when I was 27.
I remember at school I used to pinch food from other children's lunch boxes.
Yet here I am, I have a nice life and lots of friends. I am so extremely capable of giving love but if someone says they are 'my best friend' or 'love you hun' I just don't feel anything.
I love my kids. My job is a carer. I'm forever being told I'm so kind and amazing etc.
It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm acting.
Secretly I don't actually care?
I have tried counseling but it doesn't work, I know why I feel like I do. So someone else telling me that isn't really a solution.
I can't get an apology, but I don't feel angry either.

I feel like people only get help if they are a crumpled mess on the floor who can't stand etc.
I only love my kids. I don't even think I love my husband, he's just filling the role to make my happy family.
On the outside it looks wonderful.
I have tried to talk to my husband, but he has no suggestions except see a counselor. He's from a stable home, he really has no idea.

I find myself feeling really irritated by friends who are on antidepressants and seeing social workers with their 'problems'.
Which to me are not problems! They have whole families and still struggle??
I'm not on medication, I don't have anyone.
Yet I still manage to function.

That sounds bitter of course. I really want to feel genuine.
I've just been brought up to keep my emotions in check to myself. I seem to attract broken people to help.

The chip on my shoulder is so massive I'm worried I'll never experience a sincere relationship with another adult. It's not even intentional. People would never know, I'm the life and soul of a party, yet or only extends to arms length.

If I never saw my friends again I wouldn't care. Yet I like them.
Sorry for going on and on. I just need to get this out.

You didn't suffer mild abuse you suffered real abuse. I'm sorry you went through it.
If our life was a building with many floors childhood is the foundation for that building if your start on it is unstable it makes it harder to stay upright.
You're not dramatic you're hurt you're inner child was let down.
Try some counselling I hope you find peace from your very real pain.

Your childhood sounds profoundly damaging. I am sorry, you didn’t deserve that, no child does. Maybe get this moved to the Relationships board, a lot of people there who understand. Stately Homes thread might be helpful. to you OP.

Have you looked into the ACES study/score (adverse childhood experiences).

Physical abuse is only one of the ten, and sexual abuse another one. That leaves eight others that are not physical.

The higher your score, the more likely you are to have issues further in life.

Its not small. Please don't feel that your experiences are not as legitimate as others. That's not the case.

None of that is mild, and of course it has massivley affected your life. Please don't think that it was 'only' mild.
You suffered massively emotional abuse and neglect. You were starving!

One of my close friends had a father who constantly put her down, nothing was good enough, told her she was rubbish and worthless. Her mum was fine, and they had a stable home with food etc.

She is 53 and still suffers for lack of self worth and feels useless due to her fathers destructive words. These things really do destroy.

That was awful, OP, it’s no wonder that it’s impacted you the way it has. But it doesn’t need to always be like this; you’re still young and have many years ahead. I honestly can recommend therapy. I didn’t benefit from therapy initially because I didn’t want to delve into what were very painful memories. (My DSis and I suffered SA at the hands of my F and my DM, though she did love us, she didn’t know how to show it. I can see now that she was also a victim of coercive control.) Therapy meant acknowledging the damage they had done to me and I wasn’t able to face that for a long time. It was only we adopted our DDs (now 11 and 8) that I finally faced up to how bad things had been.

Therapy provides the opportunity to process painful memories, which makes it possible for us to heal. A therapist won’t offer an opinion or offer advice, but will help you to put in words what you’re feeling.

It’s not a miracle cure, no, I do still have painful memories, but I have been able to let go of most of my anger.

Your life doesn’t have to always be like this, that’s really what I’m trying to say.