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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To distance myself from friend in abusive relationship?

19 replies

drspencerreid · 09/07/2020 19:04

I feel awful just typing that title.

Been friends with this woman since primary school, we are now both late 20s. We’ve been really close up until recently.

DFriend is engaged to an abusive man. She turned up at my house one night bleeding after he beat her up. I urged her to go to the police and offered my full support but she declined and went back to him within a few days. Since then, they have had a child and gotten engaged. She swears to me that he has not been physically abusive since but is controlling mentally and financially.

He doesn’t help out at all at home or with the baby. Hides things around the house then blames her for it. Threatens to take baby away because she’s a terrible mum. Insisted they have a joint account but controls her access to the money. This is all stuff she tells me he does. I’ve made it clear to her that I will support her if she chooses to leave, have offered her money to get her own place or my spare bedroom to stay but she says she feels trapped and can’t leave as she’s afraid of what he will do/what people will say.

After 3 years of this, I’m so drained. I love my friend but I feel like I have lost her. We used to text daily but I’ve distanced this a bit because it was just constant telling me what he’s said or done all day long (they’re both still on furlough so at home together all day). Every time we meet up she just talks about him the whole time. If I try to talk about something else, she immediately turns the conversation back to him.
I recently got a huge promotion at work and might have the chance to move abroad to run a new office in the future. I told her about it and she started crying, saying that she can’t deal with her “shit life” (her words) without my support, me being nearby to talk etc. I think a few other friends suspect he is not the great person he pretends to be but she hasn’t confided in anyone else.

As I say, I do love my friend and I have offered support so many times but I just feel like it’s never ending and I spend so much of my time thinking or worrying about her and I feel exhausted and like I’m neglecting my own life! I hope that doesn’t sound flippant.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? I’ve written a text explaining that I need to take a step away from her and concentrate on my own life so many times but I never send it cos I know she’ll be alone if I do but I really can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
drspencerreid · 09/07/2020 19:04

Oh god I didn’t realise this was so long Blush

OP posts:
chunkyrun · 09/07/2020 19:09

Op you really have my sympathy. I distanced myself from a high school friend. She was in an on/off abusive relationship. Wanted a shoulder to cry on when they separated but would expect all smiles when back together. Meanwhile I'd heard about all the abusive stuff. For your own sanity step away. They won't change.

chunkyrun · 09/07/2020 19:09

Op you really have my sympathy. I distanced myself from a high school friend. She was in an on/off abusive relationship. Wanted a shoulder to cry on when they separated but would expect all smiles when back together. Meanwhile I'd heard about all the abusive stuff. For your own sanity step away. They won't change.

73kittycat73 · 09/07/2020 19:17

In a way, it sounds like you're enabling her? As long as she's got you to moan too, she doesn't need to do anything does she? Perhaps if you took a step back, it would force her to look at the situation more clearly?
Anyway, UANBU to step back. You can only do so much. You can lead a horse to water...

Jellykat · 09/07/2020 19:22

Tell her you'll support her if she ever decides to leave, but otherwise its you pouring energy into a black hole and you've only so much to go around. Sad but true!

Shinygreenelephant · 09/07/2020 19:38

My best friend is in a very similar position (although she’s very supportive of me and doesn’t talk about him non stop) - I’ve helped her leave him or kick him out several times and she always ends up back with him. It absolutely drains the life out of me and I feel so frustrated when she goes on and on about how he’s changed this time blah blah, but i adore her and if I was to say I didn’t want to listen any more she would have no one - he’s cut her off from everyone else. At least she always has my house to run to when he turns violent. I wouldn’t blame you for distancing yourself because it is emotionally draining but I could never do it personally, she needs me

icelollycraving · 09/07/2020 19:44

You are entitled to your own life. Congrats on the new job.
You are enabling her. It’s a very difficult situation for both of you. I feel for you but I expect you may well have run out of energy to enable her continuously without forfeiting energy for your own life.
My fear if I was you would be that she would be alone with an abuser. Dreadful situation for you.

tizzero · 09/07/2020 19:51

I was all ready to come on and be angry with this thread thinking you're a terrible friend. That's absolutely not the case. I feel for you both. I really do. I have no advice I just want to send my love.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 09/07/2020 20:06

YANBU I have done the same before because I couldn't deal with the worry and hearing the same thing over and over only for him to be the best thing since sliced bread the next day. It's like they are brainwashed and in a trance and it's very painful to watch. Once they got engaged that was it for me. I didn't feel good about it but I didn't want the stress anymore.

Shayisgreat · 09/07/2020 20:19

I was in a similar situation with a childhood friend and it is so draining. I remember sitting with her in the police station after he beat her and sitting with her while she called a refuge both only because I insisted on it but she went back to him. I remember her telling me about the things he did and the services involved with her child as a result but she stayed with him. I remember her and her child staying with me for a few days after he hurt her again but she always went back. I begged her not to marry him and pointed out the really bad things he said and did to her. She married him anyway. I remember being so worried all the time about what he'd do to her, the damage being done to her child, or that she would kill herself as she has so often threatened to do. It was all consuming and I felt so powerless. I also felt like I was no longer important as my troubles were nothing like her life.

I got a job abroad in my late 20s and left and it felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I had an excuse to move away! I feel like a bitch but it was the best thing that I've ever done for myself. It has been 7 years and I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more to help her but I was at a total loss.

Within 6 months she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and has been in and out over the last 6ish years. Relationship ended as she's "mental" according to him. Feels really hard not to blame myself for not doing more and the worst part is that I feel so relieved that I'm not involved in helping her pick up the pieces anymore.

OP - you can't fight another person's battle. They have to help themselves. Sure point them in the right direction and help out when you can, but don't put your life on hold for them especially when they're not accepting the help available to them.

HatRack · 09/07/2020 20:23

YABU to distance yourself.
YANBU to put clear boundaries in place.

Hth

Original poster
drspencerreid · 09/07/2020 20:23

@Pinkyandthebrainz

YANBU I have done the same before because I couldn't deal with the worry and hearing the same thing over and over only for him to be the best thing since sliced bread the next day. It's like they are brainwashed and in a trance and it's very painful to watch. Once they got engaged that was it for me. I didn't feel good about it but I didn't want the stress anymore.
Thanks for the posts! I hadn’t thought of it as me enabling her but you’re right. It’s definitely given me a lot to think about.

Pinky, this is exactly it! After a period of being horrible, he’s always on his best behaviour for a few days and I’m expected to listen to her gushing about how great he is, how happy she is etc knowing that we’ll be back to square one in no time! The engagement came about during one of those happy times and of course she thought I was unreasonable to not be happy for her.

OP posts:
Bitsandthebobs · 09/07/2020 20:29

Trauma bonding
It absolutely awful ... she needs to reach out to women’s aid

HatRack · 09/07/2020 20:33

@Bitsandthebobs

Trauma bonding It absolutely awful ... she needs to reach out to women’s aid
Yes. She's in a very bad place and needs patience and understanding
Original poster
drspencerreid · 09/07/2020 20:40

@Shayisgreat

I was in a similar situation with a childhood friend and it is so draining. I remember sitting with her in the police station after he beat her and sitting with her while she called a refuge both only because I insisted on it but she went back to him. I remember her telling me about the things he did and the services involved with her child as a result but she stayed with him. I remember her and her child staying with me for a few days after he hurt her again but she always went back. I begged her not to marry him and pointed out the really bad things he said and did to her. She married him anyway. I remember being so worried all the time about what he'd do to her, the damage being done to her child, or that she would kill herself as she has so often threatened to do. It was all consuming and I felt so powerless. I also felt like I was no longer important as my troubles were nothing like her life.

I got a job abroad in my late 20s and left and it felt like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. I had an excuse to move away! I feel like a bitch but it was the best thing that I've ever done for myself. It has been 7 years and I still feel guilty that I couldn't do more to help her but I was at a total loss.

Within 6 months she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and has been in and out over the last 6ish years. Relationship ended as she's "mental" according to him. Feels really hard not to blame myself for not doing more and the worst part is that I feel so relieved that I'm not involved in helping her pick up the pieces anymore.

OP - you can't fight another person's battle. They have to help themselves. Sure point them in the right direction and help out when you can, but don't put your life on hold for them especially when they're not accepting the help available to them.

Thank you for this post. You’ve said some things I really relate to. It’s so tough isn’t it?

I also feel like a bitch for considering moving away. I would miss my friend and her child and I’m sure I’d still be worrying about them the same amount, just from a different country but the thought of getting away from it all makes me feel almost free!

OP posts:
StrawberryJam200 · 09/07/2020 20:56

You could contact a DV organisation and talk it through with them, they'd understand. They could advise you how to set boundaries around it, or how to communicate to her how you feel.

chunkyrun · 09/07/2020 21:25

OP - you can't fight another person's battle. They have to help themselves.

^^wish id known this sooner

Shayisgreat · 09/07/2020 21:25

@drspencerreid Yeah it's definitely tough. It looks to me like you've done what you can do within your role as a friend. If she was a good friend to you, she wouldn't be looking for you to hold yourself back for her.

chunkyrun · 09/07/2020 21:26

OP - you can't fight another person's battle. They have to help themselves.

^^wish id known this sooner

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