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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry about my neighbours kids being left alone?

75 replies

aquata · 09/07/2020 11:49

So I'd like to preface this by just explaining that I'm one of those people who reads Mumsnet for the funnies and I don't have kids myself, but I decided to post this here because it's a thing that's been playing on my mind, especially over the last few days and my partner has told me it's not my business and I shouldn't stick my nose in, but I want to get some opinions from people who do have kids.

Just a few facts before I explain what I'm looking for advice on, or looking to be told if I'm being too nosy on. I live in a house that's converted into flats, my partner and I are the only childless couple that live here. The neighbour that lived here when we moved in has two kids, one is about 6 and the other is 4. The other neighbours got here a few months after we did and have a baby, they're not relevant really but I just wanted to point out that the only time these neighbours have ever spoken is over the four year old. The other neighbours are constantly complaining about him because he makes a lot of noise which did annoy my partner and I when we first moved in as well, but we've come to learn that he's actually autstic and his noises are just his way of stimming I guess? Either way we're used to it and it doesn't bother us in the slightest but the other neighbours think he should be quieter and voice this out of their upper window loudly when the little boy is in the garden so we all get to hear it.

When we first moved in, I noticed that Mrs Neighbour works most of the day and Mr Neighbour stays home with the kids and takes them to school, etc etc. I like running in the mornings and when we got settled in I decided I wanted to start again, so this is around eight months ago and I went out for a run one morning and noticed that Mr Neighbour was taking Mrs Neighbour to work in the car, but the kids were nowhere to be seen. Mentioned it to my partner later on that day and he said that because it was so early they probably just leave the kids to sleep, which didn't seem like a big deal to him, but I thought was a bit dangerous because obviously they're locked in their own flat when Mr drives Mrs to work and what if something happens? He said I was worrying too much and to mind my own business and to not antagonise the neighbours when we'd just moved in. This went on for the best part of about two weeks, Mr would be gone for about half an hour and then come back and take the kids to school. Then they got a second car or the second car came back from wherever it was and she took herself to and from work and so it didn't seem like an issue anymore.

It's come up again this week, the second car has been going and coming every day so I know Mrs is at work, or at least gone somewhere and I've been working split shifts due to work issues, so I've worked the mornings til lunchtime and come home for a bit and gone back in the late afternoon. When I'm leaving Mr is normally leaving too to pick his kids up from school and I go past them coming out on the bus. He's only been picking the older child up -- which means it really seems like he's leaving the younger, autistic one on his own while he does so. I know he's there, because I can hear him when I'm home and getting ready to go back to work and I don't hear anyone else come in the house so it doesn't seem like anyone is keeping an eye on him. The school is only about a ten minute walk from the house, but a lot can happen in ten minutes.

So AIBU for wondering if I should tell someone about this? Either our landlord or Child Protection or something because this is really weighing on my mind and worrying me quite a bit, or should I just leave it because they aren't my children and I shouldn't be nosy? For the past few days when I've seen this happening I've just been thinking about how much can happen in the time that kid is by himself and it makes me feel a bit sick because he's only 4 and it's scary to think that something could happen. My partner pointed out the first time we noticed it happening that the kids aren't alone because we're in the flat at that time and so are the other neighbours but that doesn't make sense to me, as obviously none of us have access to THEIR flat if something did happen.

Ugh, kudos if you read that but help a girl out here.

OP posts:

Teakind · 09/07/2020 13:56

OP, it's great you've paid attention to this. Please, please report this to the police and/or social services.

Those children need you to be their voice.

SummerCherry · 09/07/2020 13:58

It’s always good to report - as if it is obvious enough for you to have noticed then that is definitely a good reason for it to be checked. If there is nothing in it - they can investigate. The police/social services. They are well trained to assess. It’s important that we call take care of children. Imagine if something happened to the kid and you hadn’t called anyone? They really are all of our responsibility.

KarenMcKaren · 09/07/2020 13:59

Is one of the neighbours keeping an eye on him? Maybe they have an agreement with one of them. If not and no-one is there then I'd report it. Although if you generally can hear him wouldn't you hear him in the mornings too?

FizzyGreenWater · 09/07/2020 14:03

I agree with you OP that I can't see how you talking to them about it would do anything except make them defensive and make it obvious that you were the one reporting.

The aim is to get them to stop leaving him and, more than that - if they need extra support, if they are not handling a vulnerable child well then you offering to baby sit doesn't address the real issue - that they need parenting support OR to be on SS radar as things are going wrong.

Report!!!

Remember that if he's taking the older one to school, it could literally be anyone reporting who knows they have a younger child, knows the mum works and works out that the younger one is being left alone. Also, it's unlikely that in all other ways they've got their finger on the ball if their judgement is so off as to leave an autistic 4 year old alone - so, again, reports could have been made from anywhere. You're unlikely to be the only folk with concerns.

justasking111 · 09/07/2020 14:03

Report as others have said. The 6% that think it is ok worry me.

C152H · 09/07/2020 14:08

It's definitely not ok to leave such young children alone at home, regardless of whether or not there are other people in the building. As you say, you don't have access to their flat. They might be sensible kids, but kids don't always understand possible consequences - what if they want something to eat, decide to use a knife to make a sandwich and cut themselves? Or turn the stove on by accident? Or, heaven forbid, open the front door and wander out?

Try to have a short, non-confrontational chat with your neighbours. Maybe something like, "Hi x, I saw you on my morning run yesterday. It must be a relief x (other half's name) is able to give you a lift to work now, so you don't have to travel on public transport during corona virus. I didn't see the kids though, and just wanted to check someone was looking after them while you were both out?"

Or change the last sentence to something even less confrontational, like "Can I ask who you use for morning childcare? One of my mates is looking for wraparound childcare and I said I'd ask my neighbours if they could recommend anyone."

Hopefully they'll say they've hired someone to pop in to provide a sort of wrap-around care. Regardless of their answer - or if you don't feel you can speak to them directly - consider calling the NSPCC. They will probably give the parents a call and have a chat to see if they need help. (My ex rang the NSPCC when a neighbour began drinking heavily and seemed to be struggling to care for her children. The neighbour wasn't told who had made the call and, although she was angry initially, she later said they had helped her get through the bad patch and turn things around.)

ThePlantsitter · 09/07/2020 14:13

If you know which school the older one goes to you could give them a ring.

Longtalljosie · 09/07/2020 14:20

I don’t agree she should offer to mind the kids. Just because he’s neglecting them, it doesn’t fall to the nearest available woman to step in

mumwon · 09/07/2020 14:27

don't ring school don't contact neighbour
ring Nspcc or 999 police at that time
Say as far as you can see there doesn't seem anybody there & you are worried especially as dc is autistic & tell them how regular this is & how long for
if you talk to neighbour & have to contact police later they will know is you & there could be fallout - & regardless of what people may say schools aren't always so careful about info & may not want to talk to you

SummerCherry · 09/07/2020 14:33

@mumwon

don't ring school don't contact neighbour ring Nspcc or 999 police at that time Say as far as you can see there doesn't seem anybody there & you are worried especially as dc is autistic & tell them how regular this is & how long for if you talk to neighbour & have to contact police later they will know is you & there could be fallout - & regardless of what people may say schools aren't always so careful about info & may not want to talk to you

Good advice. It warrants an immediate call.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 09/07/2020 14:46

Are you sure one of the DCs grandparents isn’t there keeping an eye on kids? I would report it to the school but there might be an innocent explanation

Beautiful3 · 09/07/2020 15:09

Yes I would call ss and explain the situation with them. If theres a fire, the child would die. It's important to report it perhaps they can offer support to the parents.

PumpkinP · 09/07/2020 15:40

Why the school? Seriously why on here do people always suggest stuff like this! Why not just directly ss? What has the school got to do with it? The school may never pass it on and may only speak to the parents who will probably say it doesn’t happen. Just go direct. There’s no need to go to the school.

thecatneuterer · 09/07/2020 15:42

@PumpkinP

Well it makes marginally more sense than the Landlord!!

PumpkinP · 09/07/2020 15:44

thecatneuterer
True. That would be pretty random!

LongLiveTheQueenBee · 09/07/2020 15:58

Could you pop down with an excuse to knock on the door "I had a notification from Hermes that they left my parcel with a neighbor but no flat number, it's not been left here by any chance?"
If no answer call 999, it could be that they have a family member staying with them???
Don't ignore it x

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2020 16:38

Many PP are suggesting school because it is likely that this family may already be on the school’s radar for other concerns, so they will know the appropriate next step eg speak to parents or get other agencies involved. Schools have a duty of care to act if they have concerns about a pupil at their school.

PumpkinP · 09/07/2020 16:42

But why not just go directly to ss?

Original poster

aquata · 09/07/2020 16:44

Yeah okay, the landlord thing was dumb but this is my first time renting somewhere so I don't know... kind of mind went there that they'd have to deal with it too because it's happening in "their" house, if you understand me?

Not left alone today as both Mr and Mrs were home and the sister didn't go to school, so that's a relief. Still decided to get onto the NSPCC and as I'm home all week on annual leave, I'll be keeping a close eye and will call the police if necessary as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

aquata · 09/07/2020 16:45

On leave next week, not right now. Missed those words.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 09/07/2020 16:49

Some people may feel more comfortable reporting to school rather than police or social services.

Alpacamabags · 09/07/2020 16:49

It could well be that they aren't getting appropriate support or respite. Doesn't ever make leaving him alone okay and so actually a referral might open up more support avenues.
I wouldn't speak to them first. It will make life harder for you. You have to live there.

simonisnotme · 09/07/2020 17:22

please report its a serious safeguarding issue, kids of that age plus possible SEN issues should not be left alone in the house

Chantelle1999 · 01/04/2024 12:37

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down.

Elleherd · 01/04/2024 13:12

You really need to start your own thread rather than tagging onto a zombie thread. There's a 'Start new thread' button at the top on the right hand side of the title.

What should you do? The obvious answer is if you know this is true, you report them. The question is do you know they haven't got someone else sitting with them?
If you don't know call NSPCC 0808 800 5000 and talk it through with them.

If you do know they're alone, they are putting their drugs habit/entertainment/social life so far ahead of their kids safety and needs that it is a no brainer.

Leaving the 10 yr old to try to save the others in a fire, or cope in a burglary, or know the 4 yr old has woken up and gone out looking for them ect is just simple neglect.

If you know for definite:
NSPCC Helpline 0808 800 5000 if you don't want to call the police.
Or social services: https://www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse-to-local-council

This isn't some grey area, it's straight up neglect. If it's for real do something about it, or accept you've chosen to know and support them doing it.

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