To say that's parenting?

[Fluffballs]

Dd's 14 months, always been a terrible sleeper and napper.

She goes to her dads for a short time in the week and a handful of hours at the weekend. But 60% of the time I get a message saying how she won't fall asleep, she's tired, grumpy and crying. I almost always agree he can bring her home as I feel horrible knowing she's upset.
But surely that's his responsibility on his time? When I can't get dd to nap or she's awake at 2am no body comes and takes her off my bloody hands! I just keep trying until it works.

Am I being unreasonable to say that's parenting and he has to find a way to deal with it even if she's upset?

You need to stand firm or the situation will not improve. As you say, there is nobody there to help you when it's your turn.

You should be both following the same nap routine at a minimum. Lunch at 11.15, nap from 12.30 to 2.30, that sort of thing.

Why don’t you message him approx 14 billion times next week? She’s tired she’s super grumpy she’s not settling she’s awake she’s awake again I swear she hasn’t slept at all...: then next contact time he has It will be crystal clear why you aren’t running to collect her.

Of course it's parenting. But you're enabling it also if she ends up coming back to you anyway. You are teaching her that not settling at dads results in coming back to mums.

Same routine at both houses, and he has to learn to settle her. If he doesn't know how to and isn't able to try, then he's not ready to have her so often so young, cancel the overnight stays until she's older.

The random coming and going for Dd will make her worse. Consistency is key for such a young child.

It’s definitely parenting and he needs to learn!

Are you on good terms? Could he come over a few nights a week and do your bedtime routine with you so he has an idea of where to start? If he does the same thing as you he might have more luck and leave you alone 😂

Of course YANBU! Next time, make sure you are out shopping or something to make sure you stand firm.

YANBU. Stop enabling him, he's her parent too and he has to learn to deal with it. I split up with my ex when our DS was 10 months old and DS's dad dealt with any issues without contacting me.

You're right. But does he really want her as much as he’s having her? If he can’t hack it and she’s getting upset every visit maybe she’d be better off going less till he shapes up or she’s older.

I think you (and he) need to decide on an approach and stick to it. You can either decide that she is just going to have to get used to sleeping there, and know that she will be OK (just like she is OK when you can't get her to sleep, even though she is upset) OR say OK, it's too much for her at this time, let's try again when she's older.

But defo don't do this thing where you pick her up (unless she's ill) - that's not sustainable and it must be confusing for her.