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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being peed off with DHs social life

68 replies

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:34

OK, this is not exactly problem of the century and I may be a tad sensitive at the moment as I am 3 months pregnant and have a 2 year old to look after. But here goes, I work part time (2.5 days a week) plus 3/4 evenings at home to keep on top of work. I have a responsible job but its not what I would call stressful. My DD goes to nursery for 2 days and DH looks after her for the half day I am at work. DH is the breadwinner and works full time. We have been together for 10 years and ever since we have met he has had what I think of as a big social life. He goes out on average 2 nights a week without me which I think is alot. Before we married/had kids (3 years ago) he used to go out 4/5 nights a week so things have improved. This week (and this is a good example of every week) he tells me he is out tonight for his usual football game followed by the pub. Then he tells me has HAS to also go out tomorrow night to celebrate the news of the next baby (scan this week so only just told people). I finished work for the week today which now means he effecively won't be here again until Saturday morning - out tonight home at midnight - work tomorrow and going straight out and home late. I get this every week and its really peeing me off. I feel like the hired help just left here on my own virtually every Thursday and Friday night to baby sit. Yes I know that sounds a bit mad but that's how I feel. Its really got to me this week because he has used MY pregnancy as an excuse to go out again. So basiclly he will be out celebrating MY pregnancy with a bunch of other people. GRRRR.

I have tried and tried to talk about it but nothing changes. He just says things like "your a mother" WTF! To which I reply "you are a father" or I get "when you work full time and earn the money you will be able to go out". Clearly a ridiculous argument. The problem is most of his friends are single without kids so trying to tell him that they have different lives to him is pointless. He basically wants the best of both worlds. But I am getting sick of being left holding the baby.

To be honest there is an element of envy on my part. Even if I had the funds and the childcare I couldnt have the same social life as I just don't have the volume of friends.

I will stop now. There is steam coming off the keyboard.

OP posts:

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:31

and he cares for his child one half day a week while you work?

You see? I think he sounds all right.

He wants to go out 2 nights a week. I don't think that's A Bad Thing. I really don't.

fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 21:32

He "bought" you some maternity clothes?.......whilst you are carrying his child? . Very generous......was it supposed to be some sort of treat?

Dropdeadfred · 27/09/2007 21:34

Could you compromise and have people to yours for drinks/dinner? That way you have company and could get to know his friends better?

FrayedKnot · 27/09/2007 21:34

YANBU

Either you should pool your money or make sure afetr all bills etc are paid, you both end up with teh same amount of money each.

How can anything else be equitable?

Do you think he is intending to play more of a role in the evenings once you have the baby?

Putting a toddler to bed with a newborn to sort out as well is not going to seem much fun when you know he is in the pub

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:35

I can understand you feeling pissed off, mice. You're pregnant, you want to feel cared for. You're tired.

I can also understand him feeling tied to a stressful job and seeing these two evenings as, perhaps, one of the few benefits of working like a dog. It's 2 nights out of 7.

You sound like a nice person. It can be very hard to make new mum friends. I don't think you should be too hard on him or yourself.

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:36

"He "bought" you some maternity clothes?.......whilst you are carrying his child? hmm. Very generous......was it supposed to be some sort of treat?"

Jesus wept. He can't do anything right by some of you. What the fuck's wrong with that?

Isababel · 27/09/2007 21:39

2 nights a week is perfectly reasonable if and only if you have a chance to go out on the smae number of nights a week.

Now as for telling you that "you are a mother" or "when you work full time and earn the money you will be able to go out"... TWAT ONE HUNDRED TIMES!!!

2tiredmum · 27/09/2007 21:40

Yes - expect to have the SAME amount to spend afetr all household expenses. Unusually I earn more than DH(by quite a margin). I keep x back each month and put the rest in a joint account. He keeps the same amount back in his account for himself and puts teh diffrence (often very little) in teh joint account. I wouldn't want it anyotherway. That's what being an equal partnership is all about isn't it? Sounds like you need to have a chat with DH about this one...

wurlywoo · 27/09/2007 21:43

I am inclined to agree with the majority here, I seriously think you are NOT being unreasonable. Ok , 2 nights a week is not alot but seems to me that he doenst give a rats arse about your feelings and the fact that you are carrying his child.

Men are so selfish. I am 5 1/2 months pg myself so my heart goes out to you.

Think you need to either sit him down seriously and say it is not on or just leave him on his own for a night or two see how he likes it, dont give him the chance to object just do it. God, I am so harsh!!

I am a walk over myself so I cant really preach what I wouldnt practice, however, you seem to be a lot stronger than me..

AuntJetPetunia · 27/09/2007 21:43

I'm inclined to agree with pointydog, in that the DH is not unreasonable to out twice a week. My DH goes out 2 or 3 nights a week, and I am absolutely fine with it. We also have one night out together (my DD stays at my mum's once a week) and I occasionally go out with my friends whilst DH stays home - maybe once a fortnight - I'm just not that bothered about going out as much as him, and quite happily veg in front of telly (or MN!) with a glass of wine. I think the OP's problem is that she feels like the "hired help". I don't. I don't think her DH is making her feel valued. She doesn't feel like he wants to spend any time with her, and that's not a nice feeling. Micegg, you need to tell him how you feel. Don't just say "I don't like you going out so often" because then you sound like the nagging wife.

fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 21:43

Because if he has a lot more disposable income than her, he should split equally and not behave in a way, which I see as Lord Bountiful.

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:45

"He's good in many ways (can understadn the strong comments as I ahven't exactly painted a fair picture). For example, he gets up early with DD on sundays so I can lie in (I know many women that don't get this), he will be looking after DD on saturday afternoon whilst I get my hair done for a few hours, he bought me a load of maternity clothes the other day because I am bursting out of my normal clothes already, during his morning with DD today whilst I worked he out on 2 loads of washing and made me and DD lunch."

Doesn't give a rat's arse? Did you read the above post from mice, worly?

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:46

lordalummy. I'm not alone then, auntjet

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:49

Actually the maternity clothes were a treat.We normally buy our own clothes but when I went to pay he insisted in buying them for me. I thought it was very nice of him. Apart from anything else they were from Bennetton so not cheap! LOL

You have all given me lots to think about. I am a head strong type so don't be under any illusions that I am somehow cowering in the corner to him. It's really difficult to get things across on here with all the relevant info without going on and on or sounding like you're in some hideous relationship. I think I do need to get real. It's just 2 nights a week. I am definately going to start booking a me night, will try and do my work nights when he's out as I am sure me tapping away on a laptp is not encouraging him to see home as a great option (must be quite dull), tackle him about the money/working full time comments (I am sure thats envy on his side as he's not enjoying work right now, split the money more equally so I have a bit more to play with each month and try and make some more friends so I am not so jealous of his life.

Thanks to you all I am going to go and load my dishwasher now. Yes I am really that exciting.

OP posts:

AuntJetPetunia · 27/09/2007 21:52

No you're not alone. I think the OP's husband clearly cares about her. But there is a lack of understanding though - he needs to recognise that she isn't happy sitting at home alone whilst he is the only one with a social life. I think the suggestion someone made about inviting the friends over was a good one. You used to be part of this crowd, didn't you say, micegg? Why not throw a dinner party and get back in with them all? You wouldn't feel left out then.

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:52

you go, mice!

AuntJetPetunia · 27/09/2007 21:53

oh crap, I should go and load mine as well.

harpsichordcarrier · 27/09/2007 22:34

he gets up early so you can have a lie in
he is her father why shouldn't he?

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