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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being peed off with DHs social life

68 replies

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:34

OK, this is not exactly problem of the century and I may be a tad sensitive at the moment as I am 3 months pregnant and have a 2 year old to look after. But here goes, I work part time (2.5 days a week) plus 3/4 evenings at home to keep on top of work. I have a responsible job but its not what I would call stressful. My DD goes to nursery for 2 days and DH looks after her for the half day I am at work. DH is the breadwinner and works full time. We have been together for 10 years and ever since we have met he has had what I think of as a big social life. He goes out on average 2 nights a week without me which I think is alot. Before we married/had kids (3 years ago) he used to go out 4/5 nights a week so things have improved. This week (and this is a good example of every week) he tells me he is out tonight for his usual football game followed by the pub. Then he tells me has HAS to also go out tomorrow night to celebrate the news of the next baby (scan this week so only just told people). I finished work for the week today which now means he effecively won't be here again until Saturday morning - out tonight home at midnight - work tomorrow and going straight out and home late. I get this every week and its really peeing me off. I feel like the hired help just left here on my own virtually every Thursday and Friday night to baby sit. Yes I know that sounds a bit mad but that's how I feel. Its really got to me this week because he has used MY pregnancy as an excuse to go out again. So basiclly he will be out celebrating MY pregnancy with a bunch of other people. GRRRR.

I have tried and tried to talk about it but nothing changes. He just says things like "your a mother" WTF! To which I reply "you are a father" or I get "when you work full time and earn the money you will be able to go out". Clearly a ridiculous argument. The problem is most of his friends are single without kids so trying to tell him that they have different lives to him is pointless. He basically wants the best of both worlds. But I am getting sick of being left holding the baby.

To be honest there is an element of envy on my part. Even if I had the funds and the childcare I couldnt have the same social life as I just don't have the volume of friends.

I will stop now. There is steam coming off the keyboard.

OP posts:

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 20:58

Could work on his 'social' nights but often have to do at least some on other days as it depends when I am back in the office. Still leaves me holding the baby and doing all the childcare, etc. That's what really gets me. I can't remember the last time he put DD to bed.

OP posts:

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:58

What's so great about being in the same room but working? In what way is that preferable to him going out and doing something?

pointydog · 27/09/2007 20:59

Why doesn't he put dd to bed the nights he's there?

xXxamyxXx · 27/09/2007 21:02

think a serious chat with him is needed wouldnt mind the social life if he was superdad when he was at home but not putting dd to bed?

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:02

Re: funds. We pay money into a joint account and have our own accounts. He just has alot more in his than I do as he earns more - this is even after him paying alot more into the joint account!

I like the "lone married" person description. That summarises exactly what I feel like during his 2 nights out, especially like this week when they are for 2 nights in a row with work in between which basically means he won't be helping with DD until sat morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:03

He is rarely home in time to put DD to bed and reluctant to do it at weekends. He is good in other ways but doesn't enjoy this particular task.

OP posts:

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:06

when I was talking of lack of childcare I was referring to little childcare for us to go out as a couple. He would happily babysit if I wnated to go out but I don't have so many friends to chose from or the inclination now that I am pregnant. What I really want is for him to be at home with me and DD helping out around the house and feeling like a family instead of a single mum on these 2 days a week.

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fizzbuzz · 27/09/2007 21:08

What a meanie. Why should he have more money than you? What about "wordly goods"?

harpsichordcarrier · 27/09/2007 21:11

god what a dick.
how about, you speak to someone at one of your M&T groups and suggest going out for a drink one night?

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:11

Do you all spilt the money equally then? He earns about 3.5 times my salary. I make a very small contribution to the house money and quite a bit goes on debt (but not for long). We are about to rearrange finances so do you think I should suggets just splitting what's left after joint expenses down the middle? That would probbaly mean I wouldn't be contributing anything to the joint money though.

OP posts:

lovecamping · 27/09/2007 21:13

i seriously thought about leaving DH when he went away for an weekend with the lads, while i had 5yr, 14month olds and 4 months pregnant. i sent him text message saying not to come home and was serious.

he's been alot better since.... but it still goes through my mind - i'd rather struggle alone than struggle with a DH who still thinks he's single

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:14

what a dick. That's my delightlful husband you're talking about

Re: suggestion for M&T group. I need to build my courage again. I ahve tried to make friends with some local mums recently only to be spurned so I probably need to dust myself down a bit before I try again. Although I will be meeting someone from another mums networking type site next week so who knows. God I sounds sad. What happened to me? It's like my social skills fell out with the placenta or something!

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 27/09/2007 21:15

yes, we share the money equally. imo that's what marriage is about - sharing and equality. how can you have an equal marriage if you are living different lifestyles?

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:16

lovecamping - exactly! Problem is DH is good in other ways. It's not like I am in some horrible relationship but I can't help thinking that this not quite what I expected out of married life.

OP posts:

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:16

lovecamping - exactly! Problem is DH is good in other ways. It's not like I am in some horrible relationship but I can't help thinking that this not quite what I expected out of married life.

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harpsichordcarrier · 27/09/2007 21:17

yes sorry I was just a bit annoyed for you.
he isn't treating you very well and I think he needs a kick up the arse.
there is a middle ground surely - he goes out a bit less, you go out a bit more...

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:18

So tell us how he's good, mice. Because I really can't see anything that wrong with him and am surprised by the strong replies.

Dropdeadfred · 27/09/2007 21:21

Could you compromise and have people to yours for drinks/dinner? That way you have company and could get to know his friends better?

madamez · 27/09/2007 21:22

You do need to take one night a week out to do something enjoyable. You need 'time off' from the household duties as much as he does. Maybe an evening class, or a trip to the cinema (alone if you have to) but you really, really need to get one night a week out of the hosue leaving him in charge.
If he won't agree to that, or if he agrees in principle but week afte week something comes up which stops 8you* having any time to yourself while his nights out continue uninterrupted, then at least you will know for sure that you are living with a man who sees you as a domestic facility and not really as a person at all. Then you can decide if you want to live that way.

Yes I know that sounds harsh. But that is the way a lot of men see the mothers of their children - as mothers, houseworkers, carers, not people.

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:23

(mice has said that he woud happily babysit if she wanted to go out)

Dropdeadfred · 27/09/2007 21:23

Pointydog, did you miss the fact that he said when she earns the money she can go out more?

pointydog · 27/09/2007 21:25

I took that as a daft comment made during an argument. Will he seriously not give access to cash so you can go out, mice?

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:26

He's good in many ways (can understadn the strong comments as I ahven't exactly painted a fair picture). For example, he gets up early with DD on sundays so I can lie in (I know many women that don't get this), he will be looking after DD on saturday afternoon whilst I get my hair done for a few hours, he bought me a load of maternity clothes the other day because I am bursting out of my normal clothes already, during his morning with DD today whilst I worked he out on 2 loads of washing and made me and DD lunch. Oh alright, alright he's not that bad. I am just a crazed hormonal woman. But he we rowed about tonight and tomorrow night on the phone earlier and he rung me back and said sorry but then said he was still going anyway. So he's not sorry then is he! You see I am not going mad am I. There is a definate element of 'unreasonable' behaviour going on there amongst the clothes buying and lunch making.

OP posts:

WildSeahorses · 27/09/2007 21:29

Re: your question about finance, I think that there's no right answer as to how you should deal with money. The key is to find something that means you both feel you have equal power in the relationship. For some people that means 50-50, for other not. The main thing is that you are both comfortable with the arrangement.

Original poster

micegg · 27/09/2007 21:31

Yes the cash comment is not said seriously. I think deep down he is quite resentful that I work less than him. It's probbaly a bit complicated to try and put across on a chat room in the right way. He's not a bad person and he is generous in many ways but I just wish he was more flexible about these nights. To be afir his job is horribly stressful and we really need him to stick with it as we rely on the money. I am definately going to start having a 'me' night. That will probably balance things out. I am envious of his friendsas I feel quite isolated since I had DD. I know DHs freinds and used to be part of the ;crowd' if you know what I mean but have been a bit pushed out over the years since DD was born due to one thing and another. I ahve other friends of my own but probably need to expand mu horizons a bit. I am quite a confident happy person but to be honest have had a few knocks on the friendship and friend making front of late.

OP posts:

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