To feel like I must have been a cunt in past life

[Feellikethegrimreaper]

First time post, long time lurker. Incredibly outing post but I dont care.

Now let me start by saying I know I'm not the only person on the planet who just has shit luck. I'll try not to make it too long!

Up until 5 years ago I led a pretty sheltered life. I had two children early on (had my 2nd at 19) and although I lived with my partner and had a job etc I relied on my mum so much. She was my best friend, always helped me with the kids and she just wanted to be the best nanny. Then one day when my 2nd was only 10 months old a police car showed up at my house. Literally every moment of that day is etched in my mind. They told me she was dead, didnt say how until a couple days later. Apparently she killed herself. It was always bizzare to me because she was so happy.. but I guess those are the people to watch out for. Unfortunately she was recently married to a prick at the time and the whole process was horrendous. I couldnt even be sad at her funeral because like many of the people there I sat there thinking WTF is this. He made the whole funeral about him and it was just a bizzare funeral. Anyway there was no warning, no note, zilch.

I got on with life with, many difficult days. Racked up quite a bit of debt because I was depressed. I only really had my nan, grandad, sister and brother left. My grandparents took the news of my mum incredibly hard and it was down to me and my big sister to help them through that (my brother was just a teenager, living with my pretty useless dad). My nan died a few months after my mum. Turns out she had cancer, didnt tell anyone. Not even my grandad. He was just so devastated. He woke up one day and she passed in her sleep. Again down to me and my sister to help him through that. I had never seen anyone in so much pain before - certainly not my mums husband.

Again time went on, visited my grandad all the time. In that time we had pretty shit lucky. We had moved to a nice house (rented) hadn't even unpacked our boxes when they started having viewings on it! Said they were going to sell it to an investor who would let us stay... obviously didn't happen. Lost so much money and was booted out after 6 months when they sold it to a family. Partner lost his job and we ended up moving in with his parents (we have separate living areas to them so not too tragic). We were going to move out not long after but found out i was pregnant the month we moved in with them and they wanted us to stay. Partner got a good job and all was going well.

A few months after baby was born we noticed we hadn't been tagged in 1000 ridiculous memes by my grandad on facebook. Now he was pretty fit and 70 years old. Lived alone. We were his only family. I knew, I just knew. We went round there and sure enough he had passed in his bed. Again me and my sister had to sort everything out. Including emptying his house - they had been in it like 50 years. It was a council house and they obviously wanted it back ASAP so there was no time to fuck about.

Time goes on and my partner has friends from work over a few times. Couple nice girls, mostly guys. I get along with the girls but one is messing around with one of the guys with a gf. Bit shit but not my business. Then we have them round again, shortly after this one girl was battered by this woman. How awful I thought. Turns out it was because she was seeing another guy with a wife. Again not my business. Partner starts to seem off with me and idk why I just knew. Something just clicked. Checked messages the day after this girl was sat on my fucking sofa talking to me and my kids. Honestly I went ape shit. I left and went to a hotel. Now I'm sure you will all eye roll but he genuinely isnt the type to do this. No one ever saw it coming. Not his friends (he hid it from them too) not my friends, our family - no one. Now he says they didnt sleep together... I'm in two minds weather they did or not. I think I found out too quickly, but I'm certain if I didnt find out when I did they would have. Tbh I dont think it would have made much difference, the betrayal was there. It made me so insecure and just broken. It broke me. I feel so pathetic admitting that because I never thought I would ever be in that position. He genuinely was ready to throw away all of these years and our family for someone who only wanted him because he was unavailable. It couldn't even play out in private because we live with his parents! However they were 100% on my side and ready to make him sleep in the caravan on the drive. We worked through it but it will never happen to me again, my eyes are wide open now.

We started looking at new places when covid hit. He lost his job. Not even surprised anymore. My sister who is pretty much my only friend was pregnant with twins. It was a shock but so excited. I was the one who took her to her appointments and buying lots of frilly dresses. She is single so I was set to be her birthing partner. She had some issues in the pregnancy due to it being twins but they were both doing well. Then last week she was sent to the hospital for something minor. Idk what it was but something inside me told me something was wrong. I literally rushed to the hospital so quickly. She lost one of the babies :( 2 weeks before planned csection. Other baby doing well but what can you say? It wasnt even my baby and I'm devastated. Obviously I have to support her through this and I'm doing the best I can. But if I feel like this how the hell does she feel? I will never get that picture of that beautiful baby out my head :(

AIBU to think i must have been some awful wanker in my past life? It's the only explanation I can think of. Every year for the past 5 years I've said it's going to be my year. Then life just throws all this shit at me. Sorry to vent but I dont have anyone to talk to

Hi OP,
It's terrible that you lost your mum in such tragic circumstances and I'm very sorry for your loss.

Everybody loses their Grandparents. I think you felt it more because you didn't have your parent to cushion in between you/you were still grieving your mum and you hated to see them in pain. As for being a *unt in a previous life - you could have been a saint and you were still going to lose your grandparents.

You were unlucky your rental was sold. That is the shit thing about renting. You were then lucky that you had inlaws to take you in and give you adequate separate accommodation. Not many people would have that.

Your husband almost cheated and this pulled the rug from under your family. Not OK. I hope you can rebuild your family or be happy alone. It happens to a lot of people. Give girls that have proved they are predatory a wide birth. I'm glad your inlaws took your side and would have let their son leave rather than you and their grandchildren.

I'm sorry for your sister's loss. And it is your sister's loss. I'm glad you are there for her. I hope her baby thrives and helps to ease her pain.

You haven't mentioned otherwise so I assume your children are healthy?

I'm sorry your husband lost his job with the pandemic. It is shit and is happening to a lot of people. Aren't you lucky that your housing is secure? It sounds like there is no chance that your inlaws would let your fridge be bare. Aren't you lucky to be in that position?

I think you need to look at your life with fresh eyes. You have suffered an awful tragedy losing your mum and that's not ok. Then you have had some normal loss/ grief/life setbacks. You have had some good luck along the way too with healthy children and supportive in-laws that could house you. You have counted your losses but what could you write today if you were asked to count your blessings?

I'd start you off with healthy children, your own health? secure accommodation, supportive inlaws, a sister that is also your best friend, a mum that was like a best friend until you lost her, close grandparents until adulthood....

I think perhaps you would benefit from some councilling re losing your mum as I think this loss is colouring how you view your whole life.

I hope things go your way moving forwards with jobs and housing and that when things are not good you have people there to support you.

It’s hard OP but I think the loss of your mum is really the significant thing here, although not sure re counselling.

I don’t really like the ‘aren’t you lucky’ sort of posts above: it’s fairly clear that losing your mum to suicide when you are barely out of your teens yourself does not make anybody ‘lucky’ but shit does happen and I think if you were my daughter I’d want you to find a way through life that means you don’t have to rely on others.

This is said with kindness but I think the best thing you can do for yourself now is reliable contraception. When you’re grieving it’s so tempting to have the babies as they love you so and they fill something in your heart but it’s not the answer

for you, that is an enormous amount to deal with, and innsuchba short space of time.

YANBU to think anything after all that, but it is sadly the case that it is quite random. That is what makes it very cruel, because things could have not happened.

I wish you some much better fortune in the future, and all your loved ones.

Thanks everyone I know things can be worse - but I dont want them to be. I dont think I can actually take anything else happening.

I know it's my sisters loss and obviously I'm there for her and I'm taking her too and from hospital everyday to see baby in NICU. I will do whatever I can and be as supportive as I can. But I lost something too that day. I was there when they were born, I was there when she had to say goodbye to that little baby. I will never be ok with that and I dont think I can ever accept it as "just one of those things". I'm finding it incredibly difficult to deal with... even if it was "my loss"

I think with my nan I found it more difficult than I should 1. Because she didnt tell ANYONE she was dying. I feel quite angry at that, that we didn't have any warning. And 2. Because i was 21 and had to be strong one for my grandad. Who understandably was broken - I'll never forget his reaction.

With my grandad again we found him and had to deal with all the "grown up stuff" that my mum and my uncle should have dealt with. (My uncle is in a different country and hasnt come back since nan died)

To the posters saying to get a job. I do work, always have.

I know some posters are trying to put a positive spin on things or like that's just life, but I dont feel that way. Yeah maybe if it was more spaced out I would have handled it better. But it wasnt and I'm not. I know people have harder lives but I genuinely believe I've still been dealt a shit hand.

I'll pick myself up and try turn it around, again. I just hope things get better. It's hard always being the support but not having anyone to go to for support iykwim.

@californiasealion dont worry no danger of that! I have an implant and no way could I have another baby I will just have to spoil my surviving niece

You've had a tough time.
I hope writing it down has helped.
I've not much advice really but how about writing down the positives now. See how it feels- can't hurt.
PS. You sound like an amazing Sister and you'll be a fantastic Aunt.

OP you’ve had an awful lot of terrible things happen in fairly quick succession.

I can relate because I could write a similar post - different details but an awful lot of loss, bereavement and pain starting with being orphaned as a child and continuing in a similar vein.

Of course I’ve been lucky in other ways, had good things in my life too and lots that I’m grateful for. I’m now 40 and would say the last year or so has been pretty good! Though
my early experiences have me constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and the worst to happen.

All that to say that I understand. And I’m not going to tell you to count your blessings or focus on the positives or to ‘reframe it’ or other people have it worse or anything like that. I can see why posters say that but it’s not actually helpful. I used to think I was an awful, selfish person for feeling my losses so much, after all I wasn’t born in a worn torn country or starving on the street or anything like that. So many people ‘had it worse’ and I used to beat myself up about that.

I constantly looked for the positives and wrote lists of things I was grateful for etc etc. Which is a nice thing to do and all. But doesn’t take away the deep pain or help you recover from trauma. It took therapy for me, and a bloody good therapist who told me, when I was saying ‘well after all plenty of people have it worse’ she said ‘yep, but let’s be honest plenty of people have it a damn site better too’. And it’s true - I look around and there are plenty of my friends I see still with 2 parents, grandparents too, didn’t have a traumatic childhood etc etc. It’s ok to feel shit about that. It’s ok to feel like it’s really fucking unfair and rage against that. It is really bloody unfair.

You’re allowed to feel that. It might be how you need to feel to get through the next little bit - angry at the world for a little while. The more you try to control it or get guilted into feeling you should actually be grateful the longer it lasts. Eventually you do get back to a more balanced place and those thoughts pass and you do start to move forward. I definitely think the suggestions for grief counselling (or actually a proper therapist but I know that’s a huge financial implication) are really important. You’ve had multiple bereavements in a relatively short space of time and that does have a compound effect.