To feel in complete denial about the passage of time?

[FloralLove]

Does anyone else find themselves feeling completely in denial about the passage of time? I really struggle in being present and I feel like life is just passing me by. I feel like I barely connect with what day of the week it is, let alone month, season, year, etc. I struggle with accepting what stage of life and age I am at. I am in my mid 20s and I feel like it is something I need to rapidly get my head around before more of life passes me by.

I feel like deep down I feel like I will get a second chance at everything. I know that is wrong but I cannot shake that belief and it is affecting the way I treat my days, weeks, months and years.

I read a book and it mentioned death anxiety and one of the ways it manifests is with the belief that "so long as I do not enter the game, the clock has not begun to tick" (Nathaniel Branden, Honoring the Self, p.193). I feel like that is how I treat my life. I haven't let myself "start" it yet even though it already has started and is going by without me. I find it strange that some milestones/seasons of life have already gone by for me - being at school, being at university, graduating. It feels like those were just practice runs when that obviously isn't the case. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember. I remember being 10 and thinking I would never go to secondary school, I would just start back at reception and go through primary school again.

Does anyone else feel like this? Also I want to apologise in advance for coming across as naive and for taking time for granted. I know it is silly and foolish and that is why I am trying to process why I am like this so I can make a change.

I’ve been thinking about time passing a lot since lockdown. I’m late 20s and I also think deep down I almost feel like I’ll get a second chance at everything. I can’t always comprehend that certain ages and stages of my life are firmly gone and won’t come back and I’m only getting older.

I feel like this but mostly to do with my kids. I can’t believe I’ll never be pregnant again, that I’m actually past my peak of fertility. That I’ll never have toddlers or small children again. It’s just racing by and I still haven’t gotten around to reading all the books so that I can become the wonderful parent I want to be. All the time I think how big my kids are now and then a year or two later I look at photos and realise they were still so little then (and probably are now). Toddlers are so cute - did I notice enough how cute they were at the time or just take it for granted?

And then equally I’m overwhelmingly aware that time is a privilege. That growing, healthy children are a privilege and it’s good that it’s going by.

Before I had children I tried to make every day count and be worthwhile and special. I tried to slow time down and appreciate every second and feel like life was worth something. This came from losing my mum as a teenager, I think.

Then - after having children I lost the need to do that anymore and since have lived only in the moment without needing to prove anything or achieve anything.

I'm so much happier now.

@Nearlyalmost50 great description I'm in your camp.

I do feel lockdown has given everyone time to think about mortality and the non stop tally of deaths, we've never had anything like it before.

It's not like the wars, we don't get a daily tally of deaths on the news.

Maybe this has jolted lots of us to actually think about time passing.

I've attemped writing a similar post before but couldn't articulate it the way I wanted. I totally get what you mean.

I recently turned 35 and I'm just shocked that I've got here. Mentally I'm still back in lala land as a teenager much of the time in spite of degrees/marriage/DC etc. I was always reaching for the next thing and the next thing, eternally wanting to skip forward thinking life would "begin properly" some day and completely took the present for granted. Now I'm desperately sad that I squandered so much time and wasted so many opportunities and am trying so hard to stay grounded in the here and now. It's a habit of a lifetime though as I've literally been this way since I was tiny so I'm struggling to break the habit.

I love and hate this thread! I always feel like this life is a dress rehearsal to learn enough for the proper performance. But what if this is the performance? I wish I had a remote control. I've been thinking about this as I've just read Harry August.

I have done quite a lot in my life, and am an oldie now. But I love writing,and have lots of memory books that I have written .I use A4 writing pads,as I like hand written stuff. I have a pile of these books now, documenting everything I can remember, going back to childhood days,up until now basically.

I was born in 1942,so a heck of a lot of writing been done. I am not sure if my 40ish year old son and daughter will read my ramblings when I am gone, as they don't know about some things when I was young and living it up in the 1960 era.!

@dayslikethese1 No, it doesn't really stem from a particular time that I can recall. I recall feeling like this at 10 but have probably felt like this my whole life. I haven't really had any specific traumas happen to me although in the last year I have been unpicking elements of my childhood that were difficult to deal with so it may be related? I also have a really poor memory of my childhood so it may be linked with that as I feel like with a poor memory I maybe don't feel 'grounded' in who I am.

@MrsPotatoHeadsSheeWee I completely relate with saving things for 'later'.

@Easttt "Weirdly, feels like I should have died at some point but didn’t and now I’m just here existing and life is passing by" - Yes, I kind of feel like this too. I feel like I am living in a future I never thought would actually happen.

@pontypridd That is an interesting perspective that you feel happier by being more relaxed with life rather than trying to make everyday count.

@mellowgreenspring Yes, that is a good point about the effect of lockdown. I really think it has made us all confront our mortality.

@1forAll74 Oh wow, that is amazing! Funnily enough earlier today I was feeling inspired to start journaling and scrapbooking. Your post has further persuaded me to do so.

OP you have articulated a feeling I've had since childhood that I've never been able to describe or even unravel in my own head.

I feel like I can't write much about it or acknowledge it fully or I'll go into existential panic attack mode but thank you for articulating it for me. I'm going to read the thread back when I feel a bit stronger.

The memory stuff resonated with me especially, I look at pictures from the past and know I was there but feel disconnected.

It's not like looking at someone else though, I know factually its a picture of me but I don't really know what other people feel looking at pictures of themselves from the past - I don't remember much despite always being very intense and present person.

It's like I'm constantly present but as soon as a moment is gone I'll never quite remember how it felt. Except traumatic moments which I do.

Anyway I'm rambling but thank you.

I get it. I've felt like that more recently actually as I turned 40 last month.

I've done a lot of the 'big' things - been married, divorced, married again, I've got a house, a job and three kids. So on paper my life has totally progressed, but I still feel like I've just pottered along to here with no real direction.

Im too tired to start a 'career' and I feel like with the kids being so young it's not an option anyway. I still don't know what I want to do anyway.

Other than my children I've achieved nothing and I'm not an especially good parent either.

All this was highlighted recently when I was doing a thing for work and I was one of those 'tell the group something interesting/unusual about you' moments. There is nothing, literally nothing.

Wow you summed it up so well. I am mid 50s and just can't get my head around it ! I keep endlessly asking where my life went and feel like I have been in a coma for a decade or two and suddenly woken up to an era I don't recognise.
In my mind I am a hip young mother. In reality I am an overweight middle aged woman who looks scarily like her grandmother ( not even her mother ) when she looks in the mirror!

Scary !
I dont fear death but just worry that I don't have time to do all the stuff I want to now !

Yes flapjack! I look in the mirror and see this 40 year old mum person and I'm like 'who are you?'.

I also struggle to enjoy things when they are happening. I feel like I'm outside myself. I can look back on a holiday for example and think 'wasn't that lovely!' but I know I didn't really engage with it at the time.

I’m so jealous of young people who have opportunities. I didn’t have opportunities. I struggled at school and university because the support I needed was unavailable back then, I struggled socially because I was isolated in a way that wouldn’t happen nowadays with the internet, I graduated into a recession and that elusive “first graduate job” never materialised. I just bounced from shitty job to shitty job - bar worker, dogsbody, zero hour contract. I don’t feel like I’ve progressed or moved forward from my early 20s. I still have this fantasy that I can start a career even though I should be 20 years into my career by now. I don’t want to admit that the opportunity has passed me by. Same with relationships - I never got to be in love and have a committed relationship, now I’m in my 40s it’s difficult to accept that something so fundamental and universal as love won’t happen for me.

Imo this feeling is related to failure. Having failed to find love, to be successful in a career, and not wanting to admit it’s too late to try again. If I’d married someone I love and worked my way up in a good career I don’t think I’d feel like this.

I feel the same. I married DH at 21 and spent all my teenage years with him, we have fertility issues so haven't had children yet. I'm 27 and didn't go to uni, just wanted to get married and get a house but we both got into a lot of debt when we were teenagers and stupid, which we are still paying off now so we are private renting. I feel like life is just passing me by.

Wow this thread has surprised me. I thought I was the only one, bit of a weirdo! I too feel like so many of you have said. The feeling that things aren’t quite real and feeling like you’re not present in the moment.

I have my partner my house my career my kids, and sometimes feel like how did I get here?? Even said to dh the other night that some memories of mine that I know to be true/real feel like dreams. Like it happened to someone else or that I wasn’t really there.... it makes me feel odd and slightly panicked! Also the not enjoying the moment - I torture myself that I will crave and regret missing these days with my kids but I can’t stop myself from wishing the days away. I feel so guilty writing that down!

I’m quite shy and anxious, and I think a sense of anxiousness throughout big events in my life has affected my memories of things, and the shyness has maybe stopped me ‘doing all the things in life I’d like to’, to quote another Smiths song. I do remember thinking ‘It’s ok, I’ll get another chance’ at various points in my life when I’ve been too nervous to do something, when that’s probably not actually been true. I’ve had a nice life so far though. I’ve just turned 40 and I think that’s a point when you start to take stock. Though I feel as if I could easily still be 18/25/35. I know exactly what you mean about feeling as if I could just go back and do things again. I’ve had a real wistfulness about doing University again recently.

This whole post and the replies have made me cry. This is EXACTLY how I feel, but I’ve never been able to verbalise it. I wasted so much time thinking I had all the time in the world and I’m constantly thinking about how I’ll do things differently ‘next time’.....😕

Why are we all thinking this way? Does anyone in the 'real' world think like it? I always think everyone else looks so sorted whilst I'm just floating along in a detached manner. What a fabulous but unsettling thread. Thank you 😊

I've had periods of mild disassociation in my life, mainly when I was a child and my DPs split up and my DF was ill. I suppose I felt very 'ungrounded' and I would constantly ask my DM if I if I was really here as I needed reassurance.

I've have this sometimes a little bit since. I also feel like I've been alive a really long time even though I'm only 32. I think maybe I need a new challenge now as I've done all the job, house, uni thing now. I always need something new to focus on (doesn't have to be material but something) and then I go through phases of feeling stagnant. Think that's pretty normal though. When it gets really bad, I go to counselling. I know I am lucky to be able to afford this.

I think lockdown has provided a bit of a 'taking stock' moment so that's probably why people are thinking this way now especially.

There are definitely some slightly unusual points being made here but I think that the general idea of an infinite number of opportunities exists on a spectrum and in different 'flavours' so, while there are people to whom this fully does not apply, I think they're in the minority. All you need to do is look at the number of famous quotes on the broader theme:

'We have two lives, and the second [life] begins when we realize we only have one.' - Confucius

'Life is not a dress rehearsal.' - Rose Tremain

'Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what's left and live it properly.' - Marcus Aurelius

And so on...

I hope this gives you some comfort.

Apologises to those who have found this thread unsettling or upsetting. It is comforting knowing others experience similar thoughts as it is something I have never discussed with anyone before.

@JustMeAndMyTins Those quotes really comforted me. Thank you for sharing them.

I have felt the same OP.

I did read something a few years ago that I found very comforting. There is so much we don’t know about the universe and the way it operates, there are some things we simply cannot answer. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, so what happens to it? There’s a theory that once the universe dies, the matter rearranges itself to it’s ‘original’ position and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. So you’ve lived this exact life infinite times before and you’ll live it infinite times again. Of course, it’s all a theory but I’m not a woo person so prefer to take comfort in something like this than getting hung up on religion etc. Because it feels like it COULD be possible, if that makes any sense.

Did anyone see that Alan Bennett the other night where the protagonist says she always thought she'd be a wonderful woman but realised that she was too late to be one now, as she'd not already achieved the requisites.

I really don't think this is true.

It's never too late. Yeah you might not 'achieve the requisites' if they are external achievements, realistically, but I don't think external achievements are really what life is all about. They're more a nice to have.