Parents who stalk their teenage DC

[nctoday1]

I've been going over some issues stemming from childhood (I have a lot!) with a counsellor and something came up that I really wanted to ask how normal it is.

I know things have changed a lot and nowadays parents have a lot more ways of finding out where their DC are than when I was young.

When I was a teenager- aged 16/17, if I went into town to meet my friends or walk round the shops my dad would stalk me and follow me at a distance (I obviously wasn't supposed to notice). I never gave any cause for concern like drugs or anything which could have given a parent genuine worry. The times I confronted him about it he'd claim he was just looking in the shops but I know he wasn't. I'd get dropped off earlier (I wasn't allowed to make my own way there) and I'd walk around town in a complicated route just to be certain I was being followed and I know I was.

When I was a bit older - age 18/19 and sat navs had been invented, I remember finding the address of a place I'd been for a job interview recorded in it. It was an industrial estate kind of unit with a tiny office that no one would have had any reason to visit. The only place I'd written it down was in my diary and there it was recorded in his sat nav - he'd obviously been to check it out.

I realise that most people reading this will think it sounds so ridiculous I must have been mad and imagining it. I definitely wasn't.

I'd just really appreciate knowing how strange his behaviour was and if anyone has ever heard of anything like this before.

It sounds very unhealthy. Did he behave oddly in any other way? What was he like in terms of your friendships and boyfriends?

I think my dad checked things I wasn't aware of e.g. when I told him a nightclub had an under 18s night I wanted to go to he phoned to check, but no I don't think he ever followed me. I've never followed my teens.

It does sound strange. This may sound like an odd question, but was anyone after you or your family at all? Or did your dad have MH issues?

You're right that it is easier to track them nowadays. My 19yo happily shares her location with me in an app and likewise I share with her so we can always find each other if need be. She also has a black box on her car that records her journeys which she's not fazed by. My elder DD though is 21 but still lives at home. She could be absolutely anywhere and I wouldn't have the foggiest, but she's an adult now and that's just how it is and should be.

Your father following you like that was either some sort of extreme anxiety or an unhealthy obsession. He also should not have been reading your diary. His behaviour was certainly not normal.

Just to give a bit of background if that helps because on its own maybe it seems a bit of an abstract thing -

I was never allowed to go out as a kid, it was very rare I saw any friends and I'd be picked up early/unexpectedly

I had no privacy - going through my stuff including my bin, reading diaries etc

I wasn't allowed to have my hair cut and I had to look like some kind of Victorian child

There were a lot of strange rules about what I could and couldn't eat

I wasn't allowed to watch tv or listen to the radio because apparently pop music would "corrupt" my mind (there weren't any religious/cultural beliefs associated with this)

I had to do very well at school academically or I'd be in trouble

He used to use "ill disinherit you if" as a threat quite often

I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend as a teenager

There was a time around when I was 14 that I felt really uncomfortable like something bad could almost have happened but it didn't. The atmosphere was very strange and I felt like he was pervy, it just sounds stupid now but I don't know if anyone will know what I mean.

He sometimes did strange things like when we were on the way home one evening and it was dark, I was about 15, he suddenly turned up a tiny road in the countryside, no explanation, kept driving then stopped. I felt so scared and didn't know what the hell he was doing. Then he told me to get out of the car and in the drivers seat and it turned out to be some impromptu first driving lesson. But it felt like something else could have happened instead but it didn't. I was frightened and shaky when I got home but he was just acting normal again.

Sorry if that was a bit rambling but I felt like I should explain a bit more to put my OP in context a bit more

It is strange behaviour.

There is a difference between given someone you live with details and them stalking you.

You dad was controlling. Did he treat your mother as poorly?

Hi nct,
I can really relate to what you are describing. When I was the same age as you, my mother did this to me on many occasions.

One which particularly stands out was when I had planned a holiday with a group of friends and we left from the railway station in the city I lived close to. When I returned from the holiday, my mother disclosed that she had made her way to the station, hidden in a corner and observed us (spied on us?) for about an hour until we caught our train. She was able to tell me what shops we had visited whilst waiting for the train (boots!) and also chastised me for buying and eating chocolate!

I posted about this on here a while ago- feeling, I think as you do, that something was quite off and wrong with this. I was in a group of six girls and none of their parents did this. They were also quite flummoxed to hear about my mums behavior.

I was quite surprised that quite a number of people, who very kindly responded, felt that this was not concerning behavior. There were quite a number of reasons offered for her doing this. While the reasons they offered could have been plausible, I know that there were sort of sinister undertones to what was going on. If you have grown up with “normal” supportive, mature adults/ parents around you, then it makes sense that you view the world through that prism. I feel that you might be like me and this conduct you experienced was part of a larger picture and that, instinctively, you know that something was not quite right?

Sorry. That was very long. I’ve never come across a story as similar to mine. What you wrote resonates so much with me. I think your instinct is completely right. This was/is not normal behaviour. How is your relationship with your father now?

I remember going to a shopping centre with a friend by ourselves at age 12... unbeknownst to us, her mum was following us around! I was also followed, age 11 by my mum the first time I walked home from school. I think this is pretty normal and understandable.

At 16-19, it is completely ridiculous. I'd have hated that. You're an adult at 18.

If the rest of your upbringing was 'normal', I wouldn't dwell on it though.

It sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions and confusion about your childhood. It's safe to say that yes, that is unusual behaviour but no one here can really offer a huge amount of advice but you're doing the right thing by seeing a counsellor. Focus on what they tell you to get better, good luck, you're doing the right thing by talking about it.

@dayswithaY I definitely do and hopefully the counsellor can help me come to terms with it. Some of the things I've mentioned I just get the feeling are so strange to people that it's good to get a bit of perspective from other MNetters about how strange/unusual it was

@dayswithaY I definitely do and hopefully the counsellor can help me come to terms with it. Some of the things I've mentioned I just get the feeling are so strange to people that it's good to get a bit of perspective from other MNetters about how strange/unusual it was

@mermaid101 would you mind if I DM you? I've never spoken to anyone who seems to have experienced this kind of behaviour before

Yes that sounds very very odd. Are you still in contact with him?

Of course. Please do.

I find it odd just how much my fitness watch the whereabouts of their young adult children (over 18) via their Apple phones. It is totally normal for them to say "it looks like he went to xxxx" as they've checked the app.
This is totally with their permission and knowledge and I still find it off.
How's your relationship with your dad now?

Thank you to everyone who's replied.
@mermaid101 - thank you! I sent you a message on here

I am LC with him now as despite being so interfering, the few occasions I've actually needed his help as an adult, he's let me down horribly and I feel like I need a bit of distance to get my head round everything that's happened

Op I could have written your post.

I'd frequently spot my dad from a distance. Parents would deny it and I actually took to feeling the bonnet of our old cortina, which was anyways warm.
I was followed everywhere, right up to my 18th birthday. It was stifling and I rebelled hugely, walking out not long after and not returning for two years.

I was an only child. As an adult I learned Id had a sister before me who'd died shortly after her birth. This was the sixties so no marked grave existed etc. Ten years after her death, at a point where they had given up every having children I surpised them.
With the benefit of age and I wisdom I get it. I was wrapped in cotton wool, I wasn't allowed to ride a bike, I was followed and spied on. Ultimately it came from grief for my sister and fear for me.

I forgave, they did too (I really spiralled due to it at the time) but when my own kids came along I made a point of letting them be teenagers and not interfering too much.

Im sorry you went through this nc