Emotional Abuse

[damnthisvirusandmarriage]

You know when you read about abusers, the way it is written is very much that the perpetrator is in control of his abuse. It’s intentional.

Do you think someone could be this was but think it’s normal? And have no idea that the way they treat another person is horrendous?

And that the blame the perpetrator places on the victim is also genuine, to them?

Does that make sense?

Please be kind. My eyes are stinging from crying all day and I have no one else to ask.

I think there are definitely emotional abusers out there who believe themselves to be good people and blame their victims for the way they behave. It’s bollocks of course and it makes it no more forgivable.

I also think that some maybe conditioned into it through childhood experiences or may have personality disorders or other mh issues. None of that means that the victim should put up with it. Be kind to yourself, get away.

Leave.
The reasons why they are like it are ultimately bollocks but with the same end result.
I've just come out of a refuge after fleeing. Honestly, just get shot of him
I hope you're ok

That may be possible. Some people's minds may be twisted or unbalanced enough to believe they are justified in their abuse. Probably they do their best to talk themselves into believing that. Although their defensive/aggressive reactions when they are challenged on their behaviour do indicate that they know at heart that they're wrong.

But... frankly, who cares? It really doesn't matter. Either way, they are a toxic, damaging person who needs to be kept out of your life.

Please stay safe and look after yourself.

If someone is abusing you then it’s not your responsibility to understand them or try and change them.
Leave.
Why they behave the way they do isn’t your problem then.
Hope you are safe OP.

A fundamental question you should ask yourself is does your abuser treat everyone to the level of abuse he shows to you? If the answer is no (and it generally is) then he knows full well that he is abusive regardless of what he tells you about it being your fault. Abusers generally will only show their victims their true selves and pretend to everyone else that they are perfect. They will also make you complicit in their deceit so you will be forced to pretend and present an appearance of a happy family that just doesn't exist.

Oh yes. I've just left one. Had no idea to the last as to why it wasn't acceptable to verbally and emotionally abuse ,as..you know...he was just being " honest" and I " pushed his buttons". Please leave.

Don't even think about trying to unpick the "reasons" and excuses of an abuser if you are the victim... it's just another way for them to tie you up in knots. Just get out of there.

Untangling that kind of mess would be a job for a trained independent psychiatrist. The victim is the last person who should be trying to take it on.

All abusers justify it to themselves and hold beliefs that make it acceptable to control/hurt/violate other people.

For instance, a man who believes women are inferior and put here to serve men would feel their behaviour was normal and acceptable on some level, and would see it as their victim's fault for not being able to cope with their abuse.

None of that makes any of it ok or any less their responsibility, because they still live in a society that tells them it is illegal and immoral. And they can see they are causing pain - it is just that they don't care if they see you as sub-human. Which makes the whole thing worse not better.

Ultimately, it is a choice they make because they feel entitled to behave that way. And the beliefs enabling it are not compatible with loving you or having a relationship with you that is not abusive.

There is also the fact that it is not in their interests to ever admit that they are doing something wrong or to allow you to believe you deserve better.

They would lose control of you if they did that. They need you to believe it's ok, to accept it as your fault, and to accept their version of reality - otherwise you would leave.

Aaand the way the mind works means we all need to see ourselves as "good" otherwise we become too dejected and depressed to survive and thrive.

So insistence they haven't done anything or done anything wrong is also driven by that basic human need to still be able to see themselves as good (and the desire to avoid prison). That's why sexual offenders will continue denying and minimising even when faced with incontrovertible evidence of their wrongdoing. Because admitting it would mean being viewed as a monster.

So, yes it is much more complex than the simple summaries you tend to read. But you'd fall down a hole and never escape if you started getting into it.

When you're still actively being abused, getting drawn into the psychology of an abuser's mind is just a distraction that prevents you from leaving and recovering. By all means explore it later if it helps you recover. But not now.

I have kicked him out over a month ago. Well, the police did.

He promised (again) to change and he’s sorry and he’ll do loads of courses. A week later and he starts going back his old self.

I’ve made up my mind totally that it’s over. It’s just so hard. My poor, poor children. Imagine how they must feel too.

I’m getting us therapy ASAP. Mine starts tomorrow and the children’s I’m not sure when. But I’ll ensure it’s soon.

I am dreading the day he has contact with them on his own.

I have been with him for years to protect them. So I thought. I have had two nightS out in 7 years. Because I can’t leave him with them. He’s mean to them. Hurts them. Or he is so engrossed in a project that he completely ignores them. He’s also been taking weed. He’s nicked my 4 sleeping pills the DR gave me for just one nights sleep. He’s taken all my propanalol too. And drugs test I made him take showed opioids which he said was co codamol.

I can’t recall the number of times I’ve been called a cunt. A piece of shit. A fucking idiot. A fucking retard. He told me if I leave he’ll stop paying mortgage. He said police won’t believe anything because he’s in the masons and I’ll be wasting their time. And if I call 999 again I’ll be done for wasting police time. He once screamed at a man (who had wrongly parked in mother and baby space) that he hopes he fucking does of cancer.

I might add he totally slandered his ex wife, so I’m beginning to think she suffered similar.

Once he almost got done for man slaughter when he got kicked out of a club and kicked off and the security guy had a heart attack.

He teases animals to the point they’re frightened and avoid him.

When I’ve tried to have time away I get questioned and accused. And any slight hint of discrepancy is turned into a big drama. So I just haven’t bothered to go out.

I think it stems from childhood because although well to do, his parents aren’t emotionally mature or responsible. His dad bullies him. Shouts at him over trivial stuff. Even as an adult. They hate me because I’ve stood up to them and made STBXH do the same.

The breaking point for me was a few weeks ago, I told him again how down I felt. He dismissed it. Because he was more depressed than I am and his problems are worse. Then later that day came home in a foul mood almost crying because his mum is down in the bloody dumps. Honestly. This sadness for his mother went in for days. Never mind my feelings hey.

But, he says this rage he feels towards me if my fault. I wind him up. And the resentment is because I don’t let him see kids on his own (I have done when it’s been safe to do so, when he’s in a good mood or promises to actual care for them). And this is also the reason everyone hates me and I have no friends (I do).

How will this man he able to have unsupervised access to children is beyond me.

I know I sound crazy waffling on. It helps getting it off my chest Sorry x

It's much easier to blame someone/something else. Anything else. Then they don't have responsibility for tackling it as a problem.

They might believe it. That doesn't mean you should or that you should put up with the subsequent behaviour/abuse.

Wow, he sounds like a member of the Manson family. Don't ever give him another chance or you'll become complicit in your children's psychological trauma.

I’ll become complicit when the courts rule it’s ok too 😔

Can you gather evidence to prove he shouldn’t be seeing them unsupervised?

Does he actually ever look after the dc on his own? If not he's not likely to actually start wanting to put the hard work in so it is likely to be once in a blue moon when he feels like it so your dc will be better off being away from him mostly.

Does he actually ever look after the dc on his own? If not he's not likely to actually start wanting to put the hard work in so it is likely to be once in a blue moon when he feels like it so your dc will be better off being away from him mostly.

They’re possessions to him to joyfully throw up in the air whilst people look on. He’ll drop them when no one looks. I’m not even joking.

Does he actually ever look after the dc on his own? If not he's not likely to actually start wanting to put the hard work in so it is likely to be once in a blue moon when he feels like it so your dc will be better off being away from him mostly.

Wow OP, I was all ready to post about my exH - that yes, I think some people are emotionally abusive and are terrible in their relationships without setting out with the intention to hurt others, because they are repeating modelled behaviour (in my ex's case, his dad).
However, having read your updates I think you are dealing with a sociopath.

If they genuinely believed it was ok then they would be abusive to everyone, surely? I think the vast majority of abusers know that they are in the wrong and just think they can get away with it.