Still affected by this (trigger warning)

[Hiddeninsight]

NC due to the content of this. For the past 20 or so years I've held on to this, it's my first time speaking about it at all so bare with me if it's all over the place.

When I was younger, my older sister had a boyfriend, who was in his late 20s-early 30s, I can't exactly remember). He was in my life since I could remember and trusted him as well as my sister. He had his own place and my sister would let me come with her for sleep overs. I don't know how any of it started, maybe I've blocked some of it out, but he started showing me his penis. The first instance I can remember is when my sister was out, he stripped off and pretended to be my dog and I had to tell him what to do. Just thinking about it now makes me feel sick!
The second instance I can remember is him showing himself hard and encouraging me to put my sisters slipper on it. The last thing I can remember is when i slept over, I was put on the floor next to his side of the bed. He would touch me while I pretended to be asleep.
I was around 9 years old, not knowing if any of this was wrong. He told me it's our game and if I told then we can't play. So I've never told.

As I grew up, I learned this was wrong but scared to say anything as I don't want to be seen as an attention seeker or liar, and I'm also ashamed that I didn't recognise it as being wrong back then. I'm still confused, I don't know why this still affects me or what to even call it?!
I think about it a lot and it makes me feel dirty and humiliated, that someone I trusted could do that.
There's a part of me that wants to know the correct name of what happened, so maybe I could start coming to terms with it?
No real questions so voting is off, I guess I needed to post somewhere safe to break my silence.

I'm sorry to read this. I would say call it sexual abuse. Have you ever considered any kind of counselling? Have you ever told anyone?

I've never considered counselling so I wouldn't know where to start. And I've never told anyone.

You were subjected to sexual abuse 💐

I had some similar experiences around 11 and one of the hardest things for me to deal with was not feeling like other people would consider it “real” because I wasn’t actually raped by my abuser.

It sounds like you have had a long time of feeling like your situation “doesn’t really count” but somehow still feeling deeply affected by it and suffering with the resulting confusion and guilt.

I think that you would really benefit from speaking to a counsellor who is specialised in this area to validate your feelings and help you sort things through.

Unfortunately when I revealed these things as part of broader counselling I was having, the person treating me regarded it as not as terrible as all of the parental emotional neglect/abuse that has led to me being so vulnerable so they skimmed over it 😳🤦‍♀️

I hope you find healing and unravel these memories xxx

Please don’t be ashamed of not knowing if it was wrong. You were only a child, you didn’t understand. Please don’t blame yourself for any of it. You were a victim in this.

Could you perhaps start by confiding in a close friend or family member and sharing what happened? If you feel able, it might help you begin to come to terms with what happened.

I also think counselling might be helpful. A professional - someone you don’t know, and won’t judge or push you.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you’ve been through this and that you’ve had to live with it for a long time. It is certainly abuse.
I hope you are able to find some sort of closure, however that looks for you, and begin healing. Wishing you well.

Thank you for sharing @FlashesOfRage it made me feel not so alone. I think you're right, it does feel like it doesn't count as it wasn't rape. And because of that it wouldn't matter to some people. I'm so sorry to hear your councillor pushed it aside, I'm worried that's what would happen if I speak to one. Like I'm being silly to let such a "small thing" affect me still.

@Sparklesocks I don't know if I can speak to family, the same sister said my father (we have different dads) abused her. She went and told everyone who would listen and they all told her to stop spreading lies. And if she was really abused then she would of told the authorities about it. So that has also made me afraid of speaking up to anyone I know. It all feels like a huge mess in my head.

This is definitely child sexual abuse, if you check the NSPCC website they list what this includes. You didn't recognise it as wrong because you were a 9 year old child. You did nothing to be ashamed of, your abuser is entirely to blame here.
I was sexually abused by my older brother as a child. Counselling is a good idea but I don't how easy it is to access it. Is there someone you are close to and can trust who you could talk to? I never had counselling but just talked it through with my husband. You need someone who will listen to you, and not judge.
I also found the HAVOCA website and forum a huge help - that's Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. Their website has loads of helpful information, including a warning that facing up to child abuse can open up a can of worms so if you're not in a a good place mentally/emotionally it might be best to leave it for a while. On the forum there are loads of people who've been where you are, and will understand exactly what you're going through, and can help.
I found it best to tell people gradually and only when I felt ready, but having someone you can just talk to without pressure helps so much in processing what happened to you and how it's affected you. It's also such a relief to lift the burden of secrecy off your shoulders - it was never your dirty secret - it was his.
I never told any adults when it was happening, but when I've told people as an adult nobody has disbelieved or judged me or blamed in any way.
Working through this is one of the best things I've ever done, though it wasn't much fun at the time!
I hope it all goes well for you. PS This is my first ever Mumsnet post!

@Hiddeninsight I understand, you don’t need to tell anyone you don’t want to. I just thought telling a trusted person in your life (maybe a close friend if not a family member) might help. But I’m sorry you’ve seen firsthand that people are not always willing to listen.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Unless you have experienced it the confusion about the whole thing, guilt, embarrassment can be really hard to explain.

I was sexually abused by someone only a few years older than me, so always thought people would just say we were ‘experimenting’ or not take it seriously. I’ve never told anyone, but the whole thing feels me with shame.

You were 9 OP, you were a baby. He was a disgusting abuser taking advantage of a child. I know it can be incredibly tough to know what to do. So, so sorry this happened to you. 😔