Help - son's gambling addiction

[CallmeAlCapone]

Does anyone have any help/advice/support to offer? My adult son aged 23 has a terrible gambling problem. He is currently living with his grandfather who is being tremendously supportive but who views his addiction like an illness whereas I have lived with the problem for around 8 years and have no patience left.

Yes I accept that it’s an affliction but my son’s attitude is that it is incurable. He is being discriminating about which support groups he will attend (refuses to go to one in his area or online). He will make constant reference to his peers who have successful lives and how unfair it is that he doesn’t have a mortgage, car etc, but when I point out to him that they have worked for these he simply says he can’t achieve it because of his illness. He keeps saying he isn't happy and feels depressed yet continues to life a lifestyle that brings that very outcome.

He has spent 28 days in rehab and came out seemingly cured, but I realise that in the grand scheme of things it is a lifetime change he needs. I don’t believe he has kept up the work done in rehab which was very expensive

He has been in and out of jobs for many years, has lied, cheated, stolen and I have lost patience as I believe it is a conscious decision to gamble and surely if someone wants to give up and change their life some input is required from them, some motivation and dedication.

He is such a nice person with an amazing personality and could go so far in life, but is incredibly stubborn which does not help. I'm so sad.

He is working at the moment, but despite signing up for GamCare he is still looking for ways to gamble. He sees it as the ‘golden goose’ and a big win will sort out his life.

I’ve tried everything possible such as trying to take control of his finances, taking his bank cards, telling him to get his salary paid into my account, I’ve begged, pleaded, bribed him to stop but I’m exhausted and drained and it’s cost me dearly both financially and also negatively affected my other relationships as I continued to bail him out. My daughter has ended up feeling resentful at all the energy and money gone into her brother’s habit whereas she is hard working and manages her finances reasonably well.

I now feel guilty that my father has taken up the case and he is elderly and it doesn’t seem fair, but my son blames me for his life’s woes (single mother, several jobs at a time, no support from father). Living with me and my long-suffering DP has become a no-no so living with his grandfather is the ideal solution as despite his issues he is helping him greatly with both company and the house.

Can anyone offer any suggestions please to help my poor father my poor son and me?

That sounds so difficult perhaps gp and a referral for another service? I've had therapy for a different issue, not an addiction but I know you have to push yourself everyday and you're right that it takes a long time to change long-term habits. You can't learn a new language by having an hours lesson every two weeks IYSWIM. Maybe you could get some support from the GP too as the stress on addicts family's is huge and recognised as such

Pathological gambling addiction is progressive and will get worse without intervention.

You seriously would not wish it on your worse enemy. The addiction will take him as low as is possible and then some more, until he reaches a rock bottom and seeks the help he needs and properly engages.

Rock bottom is different for everyone and if he has left treatment and continued then RB has not been met. You have to stop any enabling as this only delays proper engagement and protect your own finances first. This will feel like you are betraying him and is painful to watch, but there is no alternative unfortunately.

Never bale him out financially for anything and never trust him with any money.

You can help him manage his money, but only his. Never lend him or pay for anything. It will be really tough on you and family and he will acuse you of not caring etc. It won't be pleasant.
The good news is there is loads of support for you and him when he is ready.

Try gamblingtherapy.org
Join family support groups
Good luck, and keep communicating with others in specialised forums who know how bad it gets. He is still young enough to put this all behind him and plenty do, but not when they are being enabled.

Finally at end of this long post, don't waste your energy on blame or wondering why this happened to him. Nobody really understands why some are predisposed, it is definitely not your fault and don't let him guilt trip you into enabling.
You need to talk to other mothers in same situation. Good luck and stay strong.

Stop putting your time and energy into him. It is not your job to manage his life.

Agree with your dad he should not be given any money; he gets the basic of housing already.

And then wait; you're right, it is up to him to decide to change. So there is no point you draining your own life too.

I will add this is not a habit, it is a pathological addiction that changes the brain chemistry and is recognised as on par with opiate addiction. The general profile is above average intelligence, usually sociable and working, at least in early stages, generally working in an area that doesn't challenge them too much but have a high level of self worth and belief they are right, tend towards gestures of generosity but most of the time chaotic finances. Do you see these in your son.

Because this is now so prevalent, there are successful treatment options and good support for you. The areas he has to look at are access to gambling, time to do it, and the money. Prevent any of these and the immediate issue are controlled, it he will have to address what his triggers are and how to control them. This is where the real work will be.

You are enabling him. I know that you want to help him, but it doesn't help him to pay his bills or bail him out. You have to stop doing that.

Please look into some therapy for yourself, and don't take the blame for his addiction. If you want to have a good relationship with your daughter, it sounds like you need to stop bailing out your son.

I also wonder if it is best that he lives with his elderly GF. You need to make certain he isn't stealing from your father. I know if hurts to hear that, but your son isn't trustworthy.

I also realize that all of this is much easier said than done. But you can't change your son. You can only change how you react to his behavior. Please look into counseling for yourself. It could really help you process your emotions about your son's addiction, and help you come up with a healthier way of dealing with it (rather than just bailing him out).

Former Compulsive gambler here ... mine was online slots,

It’s an awful addiction, the feeling of shame, anger, embarrassment, the lying, the debt ...

I haven’t gambled now for two years, I signed up with Gamstop, a scheme stops you gambling online - you register in the one place, and they ban you from all online sites. So even if I wanted to, I can’t gambled.

I had just had enough, I joined Gamcare, and started a diary on there, so I can always go back and look at that which reminds me of how awful I used to feel.

Thing is, he has to want to stop - then you have to remove two things - access to the sites (Gamstop) and access to money.

Gamcare has support on there for relatives of gamblers, it’s interesting to look on there, you are not the only people going through this.

I would be concerned that he may try and get your DF to 'lend' him money....

Everything you have said shows you are trying to fix this not him.
He is trying to justify why he does it, justify the consequences and distance himself from responsibility.
You can be supportive by meeting with him once a week perhaps to show you are there but ultimately it’s all on him and until he sees that, not anyone trying to tell him that, he won’t change.

Let him reach for the stars and fall flat on the earth. Once he feels the pain from his actions, he may change but be prepared that he may always decide he is not responsible and it’s the world’s fault in some way.

Stop trying to rescue him.

Some great posts by Clarablue here.

I'm also a compulsive gambler and completely understand what you and your son are going through - it's incredibly difficult to get back onto the right path.

For me, Gamblers Anonymous helped tremendously, plus I also went the NHS Gambling clinic at the beginning which offered additional insight and 'tools' to help my recovery. The important thing for me is that I continue to go to GA meetings even after 7 years of not gambling. What I have to keep front and centre is that it is very easy to fall back into gambling (I've done it before, and also seen others do it, even with years of recovery behind them). The danger occurs when you think you are cured.

However, it is up to your son to make these decisions - you cannot force him. Sadly, it tends to be when gamblers hit rock bottom that they take these steps.

I would reiterate what others have said here - don't lend him money. Don't pay his bills. Don't bail him out. You have to let him fall.

Also, contact gam-anon, which is an organisation for people who are affected by gamblers and get some support for yourself - you are not alone here. There are probably online meetings at the moment - just google it.

scorpio32 Wouldyoudoit2 redwoodmazza extraonions greyblueeyes Clareblue rosiejaune Minniejackson you've all been so helpful and considerate, thank you for all your responses, I will definitely follow your advice x

I will add that years of smoking weed has changed my son's thinking. I'm heartbroken that the lovely young man he was has altered beyond recognition - to me that is. To everyone else he is charming, eloquent, funny, considerate and caring. His anger is directed towards me and every decision I made throughout his upbringing, which was in his eyes, wrong (where we lived, how I managed my finances, the school he went to, my choice of friends..the list is endless). He has now gone no contact with me as he has openly told me he wants no relationship with me. This is hurting me so much I feel sad, humiliated, a failure. I will go from feeling desperately sad and hurt to feeling angry at why he chooses to treat me like this. Is it because I will call him out when I find out he has done wrong (lied/stolen)?

My DP and daughter tell me it's not me, but him, though I know I must have been to blame somewhere along the line.

My father has been wonderful, he's an amazingly astute, intelligent and caring man, but I can feel the dynamics of our relationship changing as my son badmouths me and my father won't tell me what he's saying because 'he's been told in confidence'.

I don't usually feel self pity and am good at pulling myself together, but along with a high pressure role (worked throughout the pandemic) I'm feeling very put upon. All I want is my son to get better and live a relatively normal live and be happy.

I'm so sorry about how he is treating you, but I'm going to repeat what everyone here, plus you DP and daughter are telling you - it's not your fault.

I can only talk about my own experiences. I separated from people I loved, jeopardised my career, ruined my finances (even now) and even put myself in a position where I could have gone to prison because of my gambling. Not to mention all the lies I was continually telling (my entire life was a lie)

I would blame anyone and everyone except myself. It was just another excuse for me to gamble again.

Hopefully he will go into recovery, and if he does, one of the most important steps is to make a list of all the people he has harmed and be willing to make amends. I sincerely hope he does this - it will make you realise that you are not responsible, nor the cause, of his behaviour.

Recovery is not a quick process and takes a lot of commitment - you are stopping for a day, every day, for the rest of your life. It terrifies me even now, but the meetings allow me to reset every week which is why they're so important to me.

scorpio32
Thank you for your message - I wish you all the best and thank you for your transparency and honesty, it's helpful to see if from another side.
Take care x

@CallmeAlCapone

scorpio32 Wouldyoudoit2 redwoodmazza extraonions greyblueeyes Clareblue rosiejaune Minniejackson you've all been so helpful and considerate, thank you for all your responses, I will definitely follow your advice x

I will add that years of smoking weed has changed my son's thinking. I'm heartbroken that the lovely young man he was has altered beyond recognition - to me that is. To everyone else he is charming, eloquent, funny, considerate and caring. His anger is directed towards me and every decision I made throughout his upbringing, which was in his eyes, wrong (where we lived, how I managed my finances, the school he went to, my choice of friends..the list is endless). He has now gone no contact with me as he has openly told me he wants no relationship with me. This is hurting me so much I feel sad, humiliated, a failure. I will go from feeling desperately sad and hurt to feeling angry at why he chooses to treat me like this. Is it because I will call him out when I find out he has done wrong (lied/stolen)?

My DP and daughter tell me it's not me, but him, though I know I must have been to blame somewhere along the line.

My father has been wonderful, he's an amazingly astute, intelligent and caring man, but I can feel the dynamics of our relationship changing as my son badmouths me and my father won't tell me what he's saying because 'he's been told in confidence'.

I don't usually feel self pity and am good at pulling myself together, but along with a high pressure role (worked throughout the pandemic) I'm feeling very put upon. All I want is my son to get better and live a relatively normal live and be happy.

Make sure your father also gets to talk to your daughter. She turned out fine. It’s not your fault.

This is posted on the Gam-Anon website. I used to go to this meeting (the GA and Gam-Anon meetings occurred at the same time and in the same building) and sometimes did their tea run. They are lovely people. It might be worth sending an email to [email protected] to ask about their online meeting. They definitely know what you're going through.

London Central, Thursday 20:00 All Souls Clubhouse, 141 Cleveland Street, W1T 6QG. Access: nearest tubes Great Portland Street & Warren Street. While advice continues to exercise social distancing we are hosting online meetings every Thursday so please e-mail [email protected] to be sent the link. Our email is: [email protected]

One more thing - don't feel that you'll be pushed into talking about things that you'd rather not talk about - it's perfectly acceptable to sit and listen.

They may ask you about your story, and you can tell them if you want, or just say you'd rather not. They'll be fine with that.

Hope you are staying strong and getting some support and joy. We all want the best for our children and we are easy targets for their emotional manipulation, because we care. The issue is that this addiction will make him say anything that gets him back into the action. He can never win enough or loose enough, that's the nature of it. Chasing the big win is a delusional theme of all compulsive gamblers. Even a big win will not be enough and losses will not be enough until rock bottom, what ever that is for him. You have to see this as protecting yourself and rest of your family until he engages with the help available. I would be seriously be concerned about the financial protection of your DF. Think what he has been capable of up till now. He can get out of this but he has to do it and whilst he is blaming you for his addiction he will not engage. It is really hard to do what you need to do, you can probably tell, I know. Hope you have found some online support forums. Best to go to those. They will help.