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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be 28 and have never had a relationship

29 replies

PALJ517 · 06/07/2020 22:36

NC for this. I'm 28 with a 5 year old daughter and have never had a relationship. DD was conceived after a one night stand at a party and her father has never been involved. I have focussed on bringing up DD and improving our circumstances and not dated since she was born. I had a couple of other sexual partners before DD's father but they were not relationships. I feel a bit pathetic about this :( I am 28 with a child yet have no clue what it feels like to be in love, or even just be in a relationship. I think people around me find it a bit odd too. Wondering if it will ever happen for me. :(

OP posts:
NameChange84 · 06/07/2020 22:39

I didn’t have my first relationship until 29/30...no sex either. I’m 36, we broke up 5 and a bit years ago and that has been my only relationship so far.

It’s not as unusual as you think.

You most likely will meet someone - I look around me and it seems to happen for everyone!

Babs709 · 06/07/2020 22:41

Didn’t want to read and run Flowers

Lots of people meet the “love of their life” later on, think divorcees as one obvious example.

You deserve to be loved, you will find love, you will be loved.

Justkeeepsmiling · 06/07/2020 22:45

Do you want a relationship? Do you find it easy to talk to new people? You could try on line dating. It worked for me. I find Bumble is the best one as you have to make the first mice if you match. You can just start by saying hi, and maybe picking something from the pic, like wow. That's a bright top you have on. You get to know what they are like before meeting them and then also have something to connect with on your first proper meeting. Good luck op.

Totty26 · 06/07/2020 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Siameasy · 06/07/2020 22:47

Until I met DH in my mid 30s I had only had on relationship of a year, that was it. I actually went to see a counsellor as I had a somewhat poor relationship with my Dad growing up and I think that was behind my issues.

LivingThisLife · 06/07/2020 23:00

I’m 34, have had one disastrous relationship and a ons. I feel I’ve missed out a bit but... better alone than miserable I guess

Goodgollymiss · 06/07/2020 23:04

I know a lady 35 never had a boyfriend living at home with parents... seems content, absolutely certain her man will come (hes taking the long way it seems) u have time is what I'm (badly) trying to say

Littlemeadow123 · 06/07/2020 23:19

I'm 26. Had a boyfriend for a little while in my early twenties but nothing serious. I haven't actually had sex yet but it doesn't bother me. I've just never found anyone that I've really clicked with and I would rather be single than with the wrong man. So no, I don't think that you are missing out and you are certainly not pathetic.

Babesinthewud · 06/07/2020 23:41

Not all relationships are happy one though OP. I would say a high number are stuck with one another for financial reasons etc but they would prefer to be alone.

I would say look at it like this, you’re not prepared to settle with anyone just for the sake of it. It has to be the right person for you or nothing at all.

I’m sure you’ll meet your perfect match

thepeopleversuswork · 06/07/2020 23:41

This is far more common than you might think and there's nothing wrong with it imho.

To be honest I think the modern idea of a "relationship" is a bit of a fantasy in some ways. We've replaced the traditional marriage (which was a childrearing and financial commitment) with something based on a combination of that and a Disney idea of perpetual romance and sex.

Some people have great relationships, but honestly, most aren't what they are cracked up to be. Many stable long-term relationships are at best just financial compromises with a bit of companionship thrown in. A lot are just a toxic stew of dependency.

I'm a single mother (happily so) and I think in many ways children do better when they are raised by women without men in the picture.

What is it you want from a relationship? Is it companionship? Sex? Financial/childrearing support? If you identify what it is you think you're missing it could help you target these.

Too often I think people throw themselves into the nebulous idea of a "relationship" because its the thing to do, as opposed to because it really makes them happier. I think you might be doing better than you think you are.

Babesinthewud · 06/07/2020 23:46

Also I think you people have to put themselves out there and seek opportunities.

If someone wants to meet someone and is ready, then they need to be proactive about it. It’s unlikely someone is going to bump in to the love of their life in the street and swap numbers.

I met my DH online because I wanted to meet someone. If I didn’t do that then there is no way I would have met him or anybody really. I would still be single. So I do believe if someone wants a relationship then they’ve fit to make the effort to find it.

Ginkypig · 06/07/2020 23:51

to be honest my first impression is that you have been busy, you are raising a child on your own (and still in the early years of that!) and that means that your focus has been obviously on your child. Lots and lots of people don't have relationships until they are into their adult years they might have had attachments but most don't have big adult forever relationships until they are "properly" grown up but most of your adult years have been taken up with single motherhood.

Relationships shouldn't be the goal of life in my opinion. They can be a wonderful part of life and hugely enriching and I'm not saying if you met someone (nice who will treat you well) one day a relationship is not worth having but equally life can be just as wonderful and enriched without a partner.
For some reason society seems to tell people that the pinnacle of life is achieving a relationship and not that you are enough on your own and it's a lovely bonus if you find a healthy connection with someone that you can then share yourself and your life with but because of that so many people (especially women) settle for shitty connections and bad relationships just so they aren't alone.
Or they feel terrible shame and failure that they haven't managed to achieve a relationship even if in other areas of life they have been superstars!

If you want a relationship then I'm positive you will find someone but it's ok not to have one too.

There is nothing wrong with you!

Raella50 · 06/07/2020 23:56

There are some interesting views on relationships on this thread. I’m not sure why some people assume so many people in relationships are unhappy. Finding someone to share life with in a loving, committed and healthy relationship can and does bring happiness to many, many people. OP, I hope you find whatever you are wanting in a partner. Don’t be ashamed, it isn’t an uncommon scenario and you have every chance of meeting someone and everything changing very quickly. I wish you lots of luck!

WitchWife · 07/07/2020 00:01

What about when you were a teenager and early twenties? What was the pattern of your love life (or lack of) then?

PumpkinP · 07/07/2020 00:03

I am the same. I’m 31 and never had a relationship. I do have children but wasn’t really a relationship. I feel pathetic that at 31 I’ve never even lived with a partner. Doubt I ever will now or ever get married.

lesbihonest · 07/07/2020 00:04

I’m 29 in two weeks, never had sex or a relationship . Had a bit of a flirty thing with a guy at uni, and a very intense friendship when I was 17, then realised I was a lesbian at 27 .

I’m not sure where to go with it at all, so have sort of just ignored it . Thought of sex terrifies me and not sure how to start dating !

I don’t think you’re pathetic at all Flowers

Ginkypig · 07/07/2020 00:05

@Raella50

There are some interesting views on relationships on this thread. I’m not sure why some people assume so many people in relationships are unhappy. Finding someone to share life with in a loving, committed and healthy relationship can and does bring happiness to many, many people. OP, I hope you find whatever you are wanting in a partner. Don’t be ashamed, it isn’t an uncommon scenario and you have every chance of meeting someone and everything changing very quickly. I wish you lots of luck!
I suppose I should add I have been in a healthy, loving relationship for nearly 17 years. I very much hope we will spend the rest of our lives together but I also know I will be ok if it ended and I was on my own because I am enough.

I'm definitely not against relationships I just don't think they should be the absolute goal to the detriment of everything else. And don't think just because someone hasn't found a relationship yet that they should feel a failure because of it.

Raella50 · 07/07/2020 00:06

@Ginkypig I agree with you and dirt see your comment before I posted

Ginkypig · 07/07/2020 00:11

raella50

You made a good point so after seeing it I thought I should add some extra information to explain I'm not anti anything. I hope you didn't think I was being nippy with you Blush

StuffThem · 07/07/2020 00:13

I had a relationship for a year at 20 and then nothing until I was 35.

Raella50 · 07/07/2020 00:16

@Ginkypig oh no, not at all! Wink

BrummyMum1 · 07/07/2020 00:27

You’re so young! Plenty of time to find the right person for you. Even if people do have relationships in their 20s they’re not necessarily the ones that last.

SenorPeabodyEsq · 07/07/2020 00:41

My good friend is 43 and never had a formal relationship. She's quite shy and she doesn't really put herself out into the 'market' so to speak. She was involved with a man about 18 years ago but it wasn't official and he strung her along for a long time before choosing her friend, and marrying/having children with the friend.

It's not a problem at all unless you consider it a problem and it causes you pain. If you aren't happy then it seems like dating apps and hobbies are the way to meet people. But only when and if you're ready!

I would say it's important to your wellbeing to try and find other single friends. It seems very hard to be single when every other person around you is attached.

LunaMuffinTop · 07/07/2020 04:45

Your not that unusual I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was 21 we broke up after 14 months and I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 25 admittedly he turned out to be the wrong man we broke up after a few months but then when I was 26 I met my husband I’m now 30 where have been married a year in October and we have been together for nearly 3 years. I was a lot bloomer but trust me OP the right man for you is out there somewhere we all have someone that we are meant to be with don’t stress about it.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 07/07/2020 04:55

It’s not that unusual to not have a relationship in your early twenties and you’ve been off the market so to say since then. It’s not so much about your age as what else is going in your life.