DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

I would say no.

It’s not about ‘equal money’ it’s about equal opportunity. If both children were supported to go in the direction they wanted to go in then that is the end of the matter.

I think you tell her that off the 20k you are deducting food costs and tuition as he would’ve had to use your money for food. You then tell her what the balance is and tell her when she graduates she has to start paying market rent so would she rather have the balance in part in cash to do that or is she moving out and getting a car that will depreciate in value straight away?

Not a chance.

Opportunities are not equal cost.

My brother travelled on a year out and I know my parents gave him his RTW ticket. I was at home for my year out, and paid a peppercorn rent. Swings and roundabouts.

Spoiled bloody attitude.

No,not a £20K car but I might offer a contribution when she buys one.
We funded DS2 though his MA, which DS1 didn't want to do. DS1 came home after Uni and has lived at home since and initially paid 10% of his take home pay, which we told him to stop when his DB started the MA. DS2's university town was cheaper than DS1, so his Uni allowance was less.
My view is that you have supported both through their education, and both had the same opportunity. I suspect that you under estimated how much you spent on DD, I know we are always surprised how much less we spend on food ,washing, hot water etc when DS1 is away.

Is she planning to move out right now? If not then the money you're paying to cover her is still going up, right?

Agree with LouiseTrees - the money you gave DS would have had to be paid back out in rent, food, etc - unless you countered that in and still spent £20k more on DS, in which case that is a lot....it all depends, if she had wanted exactly the same uni experience as him, would you have been able to afford it for both of them? If yes, then tough luck, she just chose a different option. However if as you say you scrimped and saved to even pay for DS, and you wouldn't have been able to spend £40k on both of them and would have had to give DS less to fund DD, then it is a bit unfair, as DS basically benefitted from his sibling.

Although tbf I think you were a bit mad to scrimp and save to pay DS costs when repayment terms for student loans are generous and the repayment threshold quite high - look at Martin Money saver for an explanation but basically a huge number of students won't end up ever paying off their loans. You'd have been better of keeping that £20grand for a house deposit for him/

I would work out what rent and bills would have cost for the time she was living at home

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect equal spend, that's what my parents are really militant about (to the penny) so my brother and I have grown up every year rallying up the amount spent on each and at Christmas was my parents chance to make things equal if they weren't already.

However I think her calculations might be off considering the amount 'spent' on housing her

Hell no. The only reason you paid more for your son is because he went to Uni. She chose not too. And is still living at home, and all expenses paid. No job etc. It wasn't just a handout for money. It was money towards education

So no. Just no. You can always say that you would be able to help her financially in the time to come when she wants to buy a house. Something substantial. Not some 20k car for an entitled statement