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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner suicidal, hand hold

25 replies

Tiredmamaforlife · 06/07/2020 19:40

Not so much an aibu, but today my partner told me that last week he hung a rope in the roof space and was going to kill himself. We have a 3 year old ds and I am completely heartbroken. He seen his doctor today and is now reviewing help from the mental health team but I feel so numb.

OP posts:

CrazyDuchess · 06/07/2020 19:52

Hand hold

He is seeking help and thats a positive....

BusterGonad · 06/07/2020 19:56

All you can do at this stage is be there for them, allow them to talk, let them understand that you are by their side, don't offer advice that could potentially upset them (like mentioning how exercise will help) at this stage the only thing that can help is medication and counselling. Let them know you love them and that you are strong enough to carry you both.

PrivateD00r · 06/07/2020 19:57

Hand hold from me too. I am so glad that he has reached out for help. Keep talking to us

Ohnoherewego62 · 06/07/2020 19:58

Handhold from me! What an awful fright you must have gotten!

Have you got any support yourself?

fruitofthenight · 06/07/2020 20:01

Sending a hand hold, it's good that he is getting help. I was in a similar position 18 months ago, my partner had a break down which took everyone by surprise and it was awful. It took time, trying different meds and dosages and seeing the mental health team but now he is better. He does suffer bad days/weeks but generally he is coping much better.

Starbuggy · 06/07/2020 20:03

He didn’t go through with it, he talked to you and he’s engaging with support. Those are all really positive signs.

Do you have someone irl to support you as well? Supporting someone through serious mental health struggles is exhausting and distressing, and you need support yourself.

Is it possible to speak to his mental health team and ask them how you can best support him?

Original poster

Tiredmamaforlife · 06/07/2020 20:07

Thank you everyone, your messages mean so much to me. I ended up telling my mum what happened so that's someone I can go to for support. He's been on antidepressants for a few months now and I really thought he was getting better. He's such a fantastic dad to ds and I am heart scared that there's gonna be an attempt that he actually goes through with

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 06/07/2020 20:10

A good point made by fruit, if he's not already medicated that it may take time, some meds work for some people but maybe not for your husband. Keep trying until you find the right ones, it will be tough, things will be rocky for a while but he will get through it. Counselling is also a great help even if you have to pay yourself, it's so worth it.

Original poster

Tiredmamaforlife · 06/07/2020 20:11

I spoke to his mental health team this afternoon and they have said to just be there for him and try and make sure he's sleeping at night and that the team is there to support me as well as him. He's the guy who makes everyone else laugh and right now I just want to make him happy again

OP posts:

Hillwalker1 · 06/07/2020 20:12

This was me a year ago. He went to hospital for a few months and I got counselling through work and it was life changing. It gave me confidence to know how to talk to him and also where to draw the line in terms of what I could cope with. It was over the phone but brilliant. It’s really tough, hand hold.

welshladywhois40 · 06/07/2020 20:13

Sending a hand hold too. A male colleague of mine recently told a public story of how his mental health struggles led him to be suicidal.

My colleague is still here today and coping following support with medication and therapy.

Please also don't neglect your well being. You can only be strong for him if you have support too. Don't take it all on your shoulders and find support too.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 06/07/2020 20:15

Mental health drugs are brutal
Some can give you an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness (that is something that is actually written on the packet !!
So many people get lots worse before the long road to recovery

BusterGonad · 06/07/2020 20:19

When my partner went through this I was luckily a stay at home mum, so I went to all his appointments (waited in the waiting room) drove him everywhere, sat with him during the day, watched TV together etc and bought all his favourite foods etc. It was so hard, I'd cry to myself at night but we got through it, he's had a few relapses and we know exactly what causes it now. You can both get through this op.

Original poster

Tiredmamaforlife · 06/07/2020 20:20

Hillwalker, did your husband stay in hospital during that time? I just want what's best for him but don't know what to expect from the mental health team

OP posts:

Itis6oclocksomewhere · 06/07/2020 20:24

Handhold here too.
I can't really offer anything to say as the situation I faced was many years ago and my partner was admitted to hospital.
I'm thinking of you and I hope you draw comfort from some of the advice and words of pp.

Itis6oclocksomewhere · 06/07/2020 20:24

Itis6oclocksomewhere · 06/07/2020 20:25

Apologies for double post - very dodgy WiFi.

ResumetonormalASAP · 06/07/2020 20:26

Have someone with him at all times.

I am glad he is seeing the mental health team.

My friend's husband (early 30's) killed himself after a row and she moved out for the night with their children for some space. He hung himself with a rope from the landing. Her had planned it out. Make sure a friend of his is with him if you have to go out.

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. With help, you can get through this together. Stay strong... hugs

ResumetonormalASAP · 06/07/2020 20:27

@Tiredmamaforlife

The people that are often the lowest are often the life and soul of the party and try to keep everyone around them happy

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 06/07/2020 20:47

You can PM me if you want to , have been through this several years ago with my DH.

Kasparovski · 06/07/2020 20:52

OP - I’ve had counselling to cope and support my DD who struggles with depression and has been suicidal. It is truly harrowing for loved ones and I reach out and offer my support to you 💐
The thing I took out of counselling is that his family are valuable protective factors which will stop him actually trying to take his life. Tell you how much and why you love him, what a great husband and dad he is, get family to call him. Tell him if he died how devastated and permanently scarred you would all be. The mind of a depressive convinces themselves that they are a burden to loved ones, that if they ended their life, family would feel better off without them...it’s crazy stuff. But you must never speak or use language that suggests burden of any kind ...tell him he can get through this with your love and support, that you won’t give up. Thinking of you OP!

Kasparovski · 06/07/2020 20:56

Encourage him to talk about his feelings OP. My DD is a jovial clown but it is sadly a veneer for a person that finds self expression very hard and who worries hugely about burdening or stressing out others - so internalises and puts a lid on strong feelings.

Original poster

Tiredmamaforlife · 24/08/2020 14:14

Hi, could I get some advice? My partners been under the card of the home treatment team for several weeks now but on friday he attempted to commit suicide by tying a belt round his neck and I found him, in time thankfully. He's now been admitted to hospital to receive further help. My anxiety is through the roof with this as social services has reffered our case on to child protective services, has anyone had this happen?

OP posts:

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 24/08/2020 14:52

@Tiredmamaforlife I had severe PND and also tried to end my life many years ago. We had a referral to social services and after speaking with my husband and knowing I was engaging and getting help and he was supporting the kids, they left us to it. They are there to help you so please don't be scared. I'm thinking of you through this difficult time and I hope your hubby gets better. Trying to kill myself was my rock bottom and I built myself back up from that and am now doing fine. Make sure you are looking after yourself too and getting support from friends and family x

YorkshireTeaAndNeedsToPea · 24/08/2020 14:53

I say many years ago it was only 3 and half years ago.

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