Ds behaviour getting me down

[Turtlepower14]

I know a lot of kids are struggling at the moment with the lack of routine, no school, being stuck home and everything else. On the whole my ds9 is really good but his behaviour over the last few weeks has got worse and worse. He is very angry, cheeky and rude. He argues with everything, sometimes starting off jokey but escalating often.

I took him to a park yesterday and when it was time to leave he had a massive tantrum, like nothing I've seen since he was a toddler. All the way back to the car he kept telling me to shut up and it's all my fault.

He regularly tells me and dp to shut up. Dp isn't his bio dad and doesn't get too involved in disciplining but I can tell this is really getting on his nerves.

I get that he's angry, bored and frustrated but how do I be sympathetic to that while still letting him know this temper and rudeness isn't acceptable? I've tried the usual things such as removing privileges. It's tough for everyone at the moment and this behaviour is really making the atmosphere at home much worse. Any advice?

Could be pre-pubertal hormones contributing too.

Reward and punishment don't work long-term, and can be damaging to intrinsic motivation, i.e. doing things for their own sake/because they're the right thing to do.

There's no point trying to engage when they're in that mood anyway. I might offer my daughter a hug to reconnect, but usually after she's calmed down as nothing is going to be right in that situation. So if I had to say something in the moment, I'd be calm and neutral about it.

Books that don't rely on behaviourist principles (i.e. prioritising long-term results over immediate compliance) include:

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk
Unconditional Parenting

My feeling is this situation is so weird that kids will go awry. I wouldn't worry too much about being able to get him to stop, I'd put all the effort into helping him work out what hes feeling.

I think what I feel is if a kid was suddenly bereaved e.g. lost a GP, you'd understand the anger/tantrums/rudeness. I think they've had a bigger shock than that - so much has changed.

If he was nice before, I reckon he'll go back. So tell him it isn't right and he's making you sad, but you think he might be upset and you'd like to hear about that.

Well what do you do when he tells you to shut up? It’s needs to be something that deters him from saying it. It’s important he learns self control and not to be rude.

Thanks guys. He always has been lovely and I've never had to do much with him in the way of discipline. Usually he responds well and knows right from wrong. But at the moment everything is an argument. If I try to explain why something he's said or done is rude or unacceptable he will argue that it's not or that it's somehow my fault. It's exhausting.

The temper isn't great either. I do understand why he's being like this and that's why I'm trying to be sympathetic but when he's shouting at me to shut up in a public place it's really not right.

@Sharpandshineyteeth of course I tell him to stop speaking like that, it's rude and unacceptable. I have removed privileges like his tech for a period of time as a consequence. But it's hard because I know he's struggling too.

How old is he OP?
Mine are secondary age but friends with younger kids have talked about them being really angry and frustrated through lockdown, it’s such a strange time. I think make it clear that him being rude is unacceptable but talk to him about how he is feeling. Also parks have only just opened so natural he wouldn’t want to leave.

Sorry - just seen that you said he was 9.

but when he's shouting at me in a public place it's really not right

I had a tough time with one of mine, and someone helpful said when they act out, don't focus on what their doing wrong, focus on your own reaction. If you can stay calm, and not lose it, and be kind, then actually a lot of people will admire that.

Honestly, if he's always been nice then chances are he'll come right when either he gets his head round it or gets a bit bigger.

I keep feeling like I cba myself tbh! Not quite at tantrum stage yet. But close!!