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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unsupportive husband or not?

30 replies

Verity35 · 06/07/2020 17:36

Very minor issue over weekend but just need perspective please:

Went to a theme park and noticed a poster saying there will be a teletubbies show today at 12:15. I asked the worker standing there about it and she was totally out of order rude to me she said “no madam, this Poster is a year old, there has been a worldwide pandemic going on if you haven’t noticed!”. I blushed and got very embarrassed I apologised and walked away. Husband in his usual manner just carries on like nothing which was okay as I don’t get any support from him anyway even though he could see I was embarrassed. We carried on walking and saw same poster but this time huge tents and people queuing up. I asked another worker what was going on and he said Teletubbies show in 15 minutes. I explained to him what just happened and his reaction was knowingly smiling and asked me to describe this worker and I did and he said put in a complaint please (I didn’t as I couldn’t be bothered). It’s my husband reaction more than anything that bothered me not the worker, when I said how rude she was and my little one whose teletybby mad would have missed out. He got very irate with me and said there’s more important things going on just bloody let it go.

I never feel emotionally supported by him. If tables were turned I would have defended him and said to the woman “well it’s confusing as it says today’s shows, so maybe take it down Or cover it eh?”

OP posts:
DrPatient · 06/07/2020 18:58

You're a grown-ass woman. A man does not need to jump in defend your honour every time someone is rude to you. I think the majority of women would find it offensive if their husband felt the need to jump in every time someone was rude to them. If you have a problem with someone treating you poorly, you need to stand up for yourself. Empower yourself!

ButtWormHole · 06/07/2020 19:00

Are you 12?

BlueSlice · 06/07/2020 19:03

*I would have defended him and said to the woman “well it’s confusing as it says today’s shows, so maybe take it down Or cover it eh?i
^ You were literally right there talking to the worker. Why didn’t you say this?

Modestandatinybitsexy · 06/07/2020 19:04

I wouldn't expect DH to jump into the exchange but I would expect some validation of my feelings and we would talk about if someone was out of order and how stupid to have an out of date poster. He would also support me in a complaint if I felt the need to report the incident.

Binkalater · 06/07/2020 19:06

Don't think you can be that outraged with him if you didn't think it was worth putting a complaint in.

Bizawit · 06/07/2020 19:06

I get you OP. Sometimes you need someone to stick up for you! Your husband sounds really unsupportive Flowers

dontgobaconmyheart · 06/07/2020 19:09

None of it sounds like a big deal really OP, though granted it's annoying the first worker tried to make you look a bit silly when she herself was wrong, or misinformed- who really knows. Not noce I'm sure OP, we'd all be a bit affected I'm sure.

Why do you need your husband to leap in for little things like that though? What would it prove? It isn't his fault you took it on the chin, apologised and then regretted it. You can't expect him to have done something you yourself didn't surely?

Complain yourself if you were that fussed - but really it does sound like a non event. I'm sure other people would just have made their way there just as you did and realised it was on. There is no need to hypothesise to make what she did seem worse or as though it affected others just to justify how bothered you are.

If you separately feel your husband isn't on your side as a bigger issue then discuss that with him rather than make it about this as I don't think making it about this rather than tackling bigger issues of dynamics will get you very far.

As an aside, second worker sounds like awful, urging you to complain about one of his colleagues that he clearly doesn't like sounds pretty petty and reflects badly.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 06/07/2020 19:10

You just wanted a bit of support. Try not to give it too much head space. The worker was rude. Maybe say to your husband it would be nice to feel supported by him. If you need a bit of back up when facing a crochety stranger he should be in your corner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2020 19:11

You can fight your own battles. If he’s generally unsupportive that’s a different issue, what other examples have upset you? I’m be embarrassed if my DH pitched in to defend my honour when I was dealing with a shirty person.

Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:12

I didn’t expect him to jump in and defend me but at least show some support when I tried to talk about it to him. If u read my other threads you’d see I’m suffering from anxiety and depression and it’s hard for me to assert myself. He knows I’m struggling with my mental health and I over analyse anything I say or do. Please don’t respond with “are u 12!” Obviously a person in right frame of mind wouldn’t have dwelt about this!

OP posts:
DrPatient · 06/07/2020 19:13

second worker sounds like awful, urging you to complain about one of his colleagues that he clearly doesn't like sounds pretty petty and reflects badly
To be honest, it's very likely that the first member of staff is rude and incompetent and makes the second worker's life hard every day because of it. Nothing will happen unless customers complain because businesses care about the opinions of customers over employees. If he asked OP to lie then he'd be out of order - asking her to tell her employer what she did is perfectly reasonable. If she behaved appropriately then she'd have nothing to worry about.

DrPatient · 06/07/2020 19:15

He knows I’m struggling with my mental health and I over analyse anything I say or do I'm sorry that you're struggling with these things but it doesn't make it your husband's fault or his job to defend you. It's not his job to do that - it's yours. Your mental health may impact your behaviour but it doesn't change his obligations to you. He hasn't done anything wrong.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/07/2020 19:15

I absolutely expect my husband to support and defend me if someone acts like a dick. It's not because I can't do it myself, it's because a life partner is supposed to have your back and not just stand there like a lemon when someone is shitty to you.

Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:17

He hasn't done anything wrong.

But when I tried to discuss it he didn’t want to know. So that’s a normal marriage then if a husband/wife is annoyed and wants to vent the other person shuts down the conversation and doesn’t want to even listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:20

@ShebaShimmyShake thank you! Exactly I expected at least “she was a complete twat” type of response from him but no nothing. I felt I did something wrong by asking her about it.

OP posts:
Prisonbreak · 06/07/2020 19:24

I think you need to look inward for this one. This is more about you than it is him.

DrPatient · 06/07/2020 19:27

But when I tried to discuss it he didn’t want to know. So that’s a normal marriage then if a husband/wife is annoyed and wants to vent the other person shuts down the conversation and doesn’t want to even listen
Yet another AIBU where OP has decided they aren't unreasonable but get upset when people tell them they are - why ask?! You've decided already.
Perhaps your husband is sick and tired of having to listen to you complain about a problem you created? It's very wearing to watch the person you love hurt themselves over and over again - and even harder to be expected to give them sympathy when they do. It also sounds like, by the end of your conversation with this woman, you were already mad at your husband for not stepping in. He probably wasn't really in the mood to be all mad at someone else and supportive of you when you've just blamed him for something that isn't his fault. It's also possible he's sick of the negativity ruining a nice day out. Yes she was rude to you but either you can have a full-blown discussion about it and have a shitty, negative time or you can drop it (seeing as it literally made no difference) and have a nice time. Why let one idiot making one stupid comment become a half-hour discussion and the only thing you remember from a family day out?
There are so many valid reasons why your husband behaved the way that he did. If her actions had actually caused you to miss the show or if you'd be in danger, I'm sure he'd have responded differently but it sounds like he's just trying to focus on the positive and you're determined to be negative instead.

Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:28

I know every relationship is different but I have witnessed myself with family and friends that partners discuss things and laugh or get annoyed with situations like this TOGETHER. I feel alone in my marriage that’s the only problem, not the worker, not the “rescuing me” but just fact I feel no support or comfort from him. I know I’m an adult but if someone spoke to anyone in my family or friendship group like that I would have at least said something to make the other person feel better that’s not unreasonable. So the majority of you just let people talk rudely to your partners and family and just stand there yeah? Or pretend it didn’t happen

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 06/07/2020 19:32

It sounds as though it's not about this incident as something in isolation but part of a wider pattern of feeling unsupported.

Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:36

@ShebaShimmyShake yes you’re right. I think u responded to my thread of when his parents landed from abroad and we decided together not to see them but wait for 2 week quarantine but went to their house the next day! His response was they miss the kids. I think I just need to accept he is the way he is and stop thinking and definitely stop expecting anything. Thank you X

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 06/07/2020 19:39

He is the way he is, and unlikely to change, but you can decide if you're happy with that. Don't subsume your life into someone else's only to turn around after years have gone by and realise only one person was being made happy.

Maduixa · 06/07/2020 19:39

I would complain - you can probably find some link on the venue's website to do so. If someone is going around saying "this poster is a year old" when it's a current poster, the venue does need to know that there's misinformation being spread, so they can help their staff get up to speed. You don't need to make it about the specific worker, who may have been given bad info by a superior or coworker.

So that’s a normal marriage then if a husband/wife is annoyed and wants to vent the other person shuts down the conversation and doesn’t want to even listen.

No, of course it's not. You listen to each other vent, within reason - and you care that your partner's upset, even if the events that happened don't/wouldn't upset you. Also, not sure if your teletubby-loving child is also your H's child - but even if not, it's a family member; he can spare some sympathy/empathy.

atomicblonde30 · 06/07/2020 19:41

Does he regularly not support you?

On the surface this sounds quite banal and non-event like but of it makes up a wider pattern of behaviour consistent with you feeling unsupported and lonely most of the time then I can actually see why you feel the way you do over this.

I would’ve expected a partner to at least talk about things with you and asked if you were okay at least? I’d be hurt if I was completely ignored and shut down when wanting to discuss the incident by the one person who should support me the most.

Original poster
Verity35 · 06/07/2020 19:41

I didn’t post this to get responses in my favour. I stupidly forget how nasty AIBU is, there’s no reason to call me a 12 year old and other blunt remarks. I wanted opposing views without attacking me. That’s what CBT was where councellor would give an alternative viewpoints. I welcome alternative viewpoints without name calling and putting me in a defensive state where I feel I’m being attacked

OP posts:
DrPatient · 06/07/2020 19:48

you just let people talk rudely to your partners and family and just stand there yeah? Or pretend it didn’t happen
If they were a competent adult, I would absolutely allow them to have that discussion themselves and not step in. It's up to them whether they'd like to escalate or diffuse the situation and I'm not going to force them into a confrontation that they don't want.
If I were in a relationship with someone who had a tendency to over analyse and focus on the negative, like you've admitted you do, then I would immediately try to deflect attention away from the negative interaction and change the subject.