To hate making plans whilst I've got young kids.

[Heartthecake]

I don't mean all plans. I happily book playdates in at the park and stuff. But I really struggle with the dynamics around having a four and two year old and going out and about meeting up with people. Especially because I don't drive. I've also been struggling alot this year with energy levels due to vitamin deficiencies. I've just had a message from a mum from the school gates to see what we are doing Wednesday's. It instantly made me think I can't be arsed. I'd love to have a cuppa with her. I'd love to go to the park for an hour. But I really don't want to spend a few hours at her house at the moment. My two year old means I'm up and down every two minutes at people's houses. Stopping him going in bathrooms and up stairs and in cupboards. He's in that stage where he's so curious. My four year old then for attention gets silly and laughs with him and I then have to correct her. This is just at family homes and it's irritating enough.

It's like I want friends but I can't ever relax and I just end up flustered and worn out. If we go to the park the kids want help on the swings etc. It's virtually in possible to chat through one sentence.

Then I've developed mild anxiety. There's no pattern to it. But I have the occasional night where I'm just so anxious for no obvious reason. Probably just once a month since march. I had that night last night. Today I feel sick and hungover from 4 hours sleep. So making plans for the rest of the week seems really hard whilst I feel this way. My best friend has asked about meeting Friday or Saturday. I just feel abit meh about it all. I can never predict how I'll be feeling until the day comes.

Then my mum's in hospital. I'm currently trying to help my dad out with washing and shopping etc. My own home needs a good day spending on it. But I've got two kids here that need me.

I'm sat here thinking about the last four and half years. I often don't want to do whatever I've arranged. I have never had much help with the kids. They go everywhere with me. I hope as they get older taking them out is easier. But does anyone else feel it's so much effort to "enjoy visiting" and "meeting up in town"with people when you have young kids? Both of mine also get travel sick so I avoid taxis and lifts from people. 99% of the time we go out of town one of them pukes.

Aghh I'm so worried though if I don't try I won't have friends when they are both in school and I can have that quiet cuppa. I don't mean to be unsociable but having young kids is so full on isn't It.

Hi. I don’t have a huge amount of advice for you, but you sound like you are having a tough time, I imagine a lot of people are feeling similar recently.

Yes it’s hard work taking the kids out (I have a 1 and 2 year old). I usually make sure we have lots of snacks on hand and I tend to plan to meet at places where they can sit and eat a meal so they can at least be quiet for 5 mins so can chat to friend. But they haven’t been anywhere since March so next trip will probably have me in a panic!

I avoid taking them to friends houses who don’t have similar aged children, it’s just too stressful with all they stuff they can get into and break

Could your best friend come round once the kids have gone to bed? get some nice bits of food and drink in. I’m sure if you explain how you’re feeling she’ll be well up for it.

Totally agree. It's a distinct stage when they're small. There comes a point where visiting people becomes enjoyable again because the kids will take themselves off to play and you don't need to supervise. But the days of following them around the house to make sure they don't break anything or tear anything were exhausting.

I found a small number of places out that I was familiar with and comfortable enough with that they were actually relaxing. That combined with occasionally having people over to my house was enough for me.

...there's a whole other question as to why you don't get any help with the kids. Presumably they have a second parent who could take them while you have an occasional social life? Is that something you want to talk through on here...?

I remember those years and they were very hard. Going out anywhere with kids that age is like planning a military expedition. Also some kids are harder than others from that point of view - one of my friends had 2 girls who would happily sit still for hours playing quietly with toys, but mine were NOT like that!

I would try to give yourself and them a change of scene and a bit of company now and then, but only in the easiest way possible. Don't beat yourself up about what you "ought" to be doing, especially when your life already has so much stress in it. And don't worry that they won't learn to socialise. At that age they don't actually play "with" other kids anyway, they just play alongside them.

Go easy on yourself. Your kids will be fine. They will be happier with a mum who is not exhausted from organising unnecessary stuff - what' s good for you is good for them. I have been there and it really does get easier. You are just at a very hard stage and this time will pass.

It will get easier as they get older. Not that’s any help now, but they do get to a stage where you don’t have to follow them around. I remember when my now 5 year old was big enough to climb around soft play without me having to follow, and I actually got to sit and drink a cup of tea!

I didn’t actually make my mum friends until mine went to school, now we have time to meet up and it’s lovely.

It must be hard having two so young as a single parent but I think that's more the reason to push yourself yo get out, to have adult conversation etc. If being in the house is too hard esp with social distancing atm, perhaps a walk to the park or similar?
Suggest confining yourself to one room with the doors shut so she can't wander upstairs?
Offer to host so it's only their own house they're trashing?

I definitely remember this and it's hard. I'll be honest, I still feel like that a lot now even though mine are older because I'm a single parent. Trying to arrange things that they can both enjoy (boy/girl with a pretty big age gap) without tearing myself in half is near impossible. One of them is always moaning. And personality is a pretty introvert so I have a tendency not to bother with social things anyway. I have to seriously force myself out sometimes.

I’ve got a 3yo and a very close friend has a 2yo and 8mo. We go out usually once or twice a week and although we’ve never discussed it we don’t have high expectations of a chat! We just do something where the kids can run about, preferably outside but if it means they pull every toy out at someone’s house while we have a cuppa then so be it we save proper chats for the pub when we can escape without small people

I went through a stage of this with my kids when they were that age.
I would message the lady who has asked you to meet on Wednesday and just tell her the truth about your concerns, and then let her decide what to do.
Just explain your toddler will be hard work in her home and you won't much chance for a chat where ever you go

Thanks all for your replies. I'm not a single mum. But my partner works 8.-7.30pm. he has weekends off but then my friends have husband's etc and we all do family stuff at the weekends. To be honest I don't have heaps of friends.

My eldest is 5 next week but she's still at an age where she gets abit crazy. Infact both of My kids love the garden and get bored behaving and sitting playing calmly. Plus as they are at different stages of life. If the older one plays the you get one will annoy her by grabbing etc.

I honestly want it to be September so me and the youngest can mix abit and I'll have less on. As much as I'd like to have people around my partner works here at the moment and more kids would be abit loud. He's going to be gradually going back to the office.

I'm hoping it's just the stage we are at. Sometimes I wish for rain so we don't have to go out. I find it much easier to go out alone with them lol.

op
My kids are almost exactly the same age. My DH is also working 730am to 8pm. And yes, I do the whole packing of snacks, and toys and blah blah to keep them entertained when we are out and about and tbh it's a pain. And I can't be arsed. I worry that I'm such an introvert (I love being alone) that I won't make any friends - I don't have many friends here having moved here post kids from London. Like you I take them out to play dates and the like but honestly when someone say asks me to take them to London for a visit or to someone's house that's a long drive away, I say no.
And you know what it's fine. There's nothing to feel bad about. Have the confidence to do what works for you I guess.
And it's a particularly painful age. I never get to complete a sentence. I am literally counting the days till she is 4, like a prison sentence because that's why I started to be able to sit/talk for more than a few seconds. It'll pass so until then do what's easy

@RobinHobb

Me too I always take snacks and water with us. But it's the stress isn't it. I've got one friend who I am really close to. We thankfully only meet out the house. But our living standards are totally different. Her house is spotless. Her son's toys are neatly in the corner and he is often sat watching Netflix with one dinosaur toy. My kids empty the toybox everywhere. I'm always in a nervous tense mood when we have occasionally gone around. My toddler was grabbing the chalk etc. As soon as the kids made a stomping sound upstairs they were called back down.

I think the trouble is I meet people through the kids and I want it to be more about us and less about the kids haha. That's why I hope once they are all at school I can have a chat and coffee morning with friends. I also find friends kids don't always get on. Again I had a friend who I had to stop seeing. Because our kids just didn't like eachother. Her daughter is 6 and spent most of my daughter's first year trying to hit her. They just clash even now. So I've stopped meeting because it was a ball ache.

You are right it is ok. You know when the babies born and the midwife tells you how great the groups are. I tried it all with my DD. But I honestly got nothing out of it. With my son I didn't bother. I just couldn't be arsed with the rushing out the door. Sitting in a hot classroom making small talk with a fed up baby and a crazy toddler.

It's also typical on the days I say yes we can meet, I'll get a headache, the kids will be mardy, itl be too hot to want to go out or itl be the first 3 days of my period when I just want to stay home under a blanket.

I feel better for reading the replies. It's just so draining.

I have similar ages. You and your experiences sound totally normal to me!