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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why isn’t she getting this?

14 replies

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 14:04

We live in Scotland and during lockdown MIL has not been socially distancing. She creates things for DH to have to go over and sort out.

For history DH gave up his job in Match and his company car. We had no car but now we have a cheap runabout. We didn’t tell mil that we got a car for about 3 months as she sees DH as a free taxi and she cried when we didn’t have a car as she’d have to actually do things for herself.

The latest thing has been her mobile not working correctly and she uses it now to get taxis home from Aldi. She badgered and badgered DH to go over on Saturday morning. We were going to the supermarket nearby on Friday evenings so I said we should make a quick detour and sort out her phone as we can do that in the garden. Thought that it saves fuel as well as DH is working fixed term until the job Market improves and is on 2/3 of his usual wage.

We turn up and she says ‘does this mean you won’t come tomorrow?’ Well yes this saves fuel as we were passing anyway. ‘Oh but I want to go to (nearby small town where everything is still closed)’ so it all became clear that had DH turned up on Saturday she’d have guilted him into taking her in the car. Dh has an autoimmune condition so covid is dangerous. Then she insisted he go inside to fix something minor that can wait. He said no and she got really angry demanding he go inside and ‘it’s ok if you are family and we have masks on’ well no it’s not.

She kept going on about going to local town and DH said ‘look I don’t earn much now so don’t have money to run about in the car all the time. Get a taxi or a train!’ She moaned that the train station is 15 minutes away (no bus route), she’s able bodied and mobile. Then said ‘what’s the difference between you and a taxi?’

When we got home she started calling to find out his weekly shifts. She has form for being a cf over lifts. Taking her for her weekly shop sometimes meant 7 hours as she wanted driven here, there and everywhere. Dh is stressed as he feels guilty and clams up of I try and talk to him about it but I really need to vent!!!!

OP posts:

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 06/07/2020 14:49

Just say "if there's no difference between DH and a taxi, we will charge you for lifts." Make her pay up front.

Original poster

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 14:57

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS she would offer us a few quid and I’d rather not have her in our car for now. DH feels guilty and is going through a depressive phase so her demands are making him miserable. I actually said ‘you know you could kill him as he is ill!’ She just glared at me. When she wanted him to restart taking her shopping every week I said ‘not in our car you won’t!’ As he was beginning to cave. If I’m the bitch it helps him to say it’s my fault and I’m happy for that to be the case. She’s a user and manipulative.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 06/07/2020 15:17

Jesus she sounds like a total nightmare. Your DH should have stood up to her years ago but it sounds as if that ship has well and truly sailed....

I was going to suggest shopping online but it sounds like control freakery as opposed to anything rational.

I wouldn't go down the route of charging her for lifts as its not the point and she will see you as the enemy. I think your DH just has to grow a pair, unfortunately.

ButteryPuffin · 06/07/2020 15:22

If your DH is depressed and you can cope with being the bad guy, then embrace it. I would ring and have a very firm conversation with her about the fact that he will not be driving her anywhere or doing jobs in the house for a while. Say you will help her find other options but if she can't stop badgering you will be contacting her a lot less.

notthemum · 06/07/2020 15:26

Yep, completely agree with butterypuffin.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/07/2020 16:00

Also agree with butterypuffin.
You have to rinse and repeat prepared statements saying that you are not doing xyz. Stand up to her. What's the worst that can happen? She takes offense?
This situation is likely to go on for a while but not for ever. I think it will be more dangerous now, not less, as the lockdown "eases" and more and more people take the Mick about distancing if you look at the pictures from the weekend. I think he needs you to make a stand on his behalf.
Making pointed comments isn't working at the moment and she's silenced you with a glare. Don't let her. Keep talking. Best of luck

Original poster

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 16:07

He had stood up to her but she always manages to make him feel guilty. We offered online shopping and she refused as she ‘likes to look at what she’s buying!’ So as far as I’m concerned we have offered her the choice 3 or 4 times. We even offered to pick up shopping a deliver it to her step but she knocked it back. DH is just in a bad place mentally so is trying to do the thing that makes life easiest for him. On Friday when she rang 3 times he actually gave her both barrels ‘Mum I don’t want to talk about this. I told you earlier!’

The problem is he goes out the room when she calls and when I ask what she said he just says ‘nothing’ or ‘the usual pish!’. I aM happy to be the difficult one.

We went to my mum on Sunday and I haven’t seen her since lockdown began. I gave her her birthday card and had a socially distant chat. She did joke ‘I take it you don’t want to come in!’ And he remarked how different my mum is.

OP posts:

Original poster

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 16:09

Also if he doesn’t answer the phone as he needs a break from her she will phone continually. It doesn’t occur to her that we might be busy, having dinner, driving etc. Last count was 39 times before DH caved!

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 06/07/2020 16:21

I'd have blocked her number after the first few times

BerylReader · 06/07/2020 16:27

I’ve also had to become the ‘bitch’ as I got tired (several years) of waiting for DH to stop running round after MIL. On the plus side she hasn’t phoned home since I had an option for every expectation she had of us (‘I can’t shop’, ‘do it online‘ for example). I am yet to see the cloud beyond the silver lining 😌

gamerchick · 06/07/2020 16:33

Man, tell her she packs it on or you're blocking he number apart from once a week where you will ring her for a chat.

39 times would make me go up in a blue light.

Tappering · 06/07/2020 16:38

I'd answer his phone (with his agreement), and tell her clearly that if she rings just once more to moan about going shopping then you will block her number.

I'd also point out that if the only reason she's getting in touch is to beg free lifts everywhere and use your DH as a DIY service, then you'll both be considering whether it's worthwhile staying in contact with her at all.

Sometimes you have to give thick-skinned people both barrels. If she persists then you have your answer.

Original poster

IwishIhadaMargarita · 06/07/2020 16:39

DH is unfortunately so an only child which adds the the neediness as he has no one to share the load with.

She manipulated him all the time. When we moved into our new house we ended up
In the same village as her brother and his wife (lovely people I actually really like them). She kept demanding we have them over, well on but we are working full time and trying to sort out a new place. As they are in our village they must be invited blah blah blah! So then she said ‘oh John and Jane are just desperate to see the house.’ We had them over and had a lovely evening. During the night his aunt remarked how she was surprised to get an invite. I said ‘oh really mil said you were desperate to see the house?’ She was so embarrassed and said ‘we’ve never said anything of the sort! Oh I feel awkward, that’s your mother sticking her nose in!’ It was a nice evening though

DH changed how he took her shopping to a weeknight after work as she used to want a weekend day, trying to actually get her to move was a bloody nightmare then she wanted to go to this garden centre or that —junk— antique shop. Even a while ago knowing DH was coming from work and hadn’t eaten yet etc she’d sit and sit and he’d say ‘right come on let’s go!’ She’d then say ‘I’m not ready to go!’ When she’s finally ready she faffs like utter fuck.

She is selfish as hell. DH is lovely but she just plays on his nice nature and never asks anything about him it’s all her. When he left his job (long story) and told her he no longer had the car she was wailing ‘Who will do my meter readings and take me shopping?’ Actually sobbing and he mentioned her friends or her brother and she said no. She kept asking what I thought...I support him and she couldn’t get her head round that.

Anyway he’s working this Saturday (Temp role from home) and I’ll need the car on Sunday so she’s up a gumtree.

OP posts:

Happynow001 · 06/07/2020 16:51

@IwishIhadaMargarita

Oh. My. God!! What a selfish, manipulative person your MIL is!! I think at this stage your DH could just block her on his phone and the landline if you have one, which should force her to call you (sorry). At which point you either tell her the truth and get her to back off or lie and say you've been having some reception issues recently and how can you help?

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