To move so far away from my family

[movingaway55]

DH and I live in London, where we met, with two DC under the age of 4.

By London standards we are doing ok. We own a 4 bedroom house (well, 3 plus a box room) in an area we like. Mortgage is eyewatering, but we can afford it. We don't feel like we have much spare though. We have a very old car, holidays are a stretch. The primary schools round here are good, the secondaries are ok but not great.

We have often talked about moving out of London. It would make no sense to move to my home town as the job prospects there are not great. However, DH is from a city where we could earn nearly as much as we earn in London and afford so much more. A really nice, spacious house and possibly private school for the DC. And we would have much more disposable income for holidays and other things.

Problem is I'd then be a 6 hour drive (minimum) from my family. We are currently about 90 minutes away. My parents are both ok health wise for now but obviously getting older. I also have a severely disabled sister who cannot live independently. I am the only other family so all responsibility for their care as they get older will fall to me. I just don't know how I could manage it all from so far away. Plus we see them fairly regularly at the moment and if we moved I know I would miss them!

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? We've talked through various other scenarios like moving somewhere else which is not London but is also not as far from my family but there's no obvious contender and we have no links anywhere else really.

Would your family consider moving to be nearer you?

I am older than you, and my parents much older (late 80s) but they moved to be nearer us about five years ago and love living in a different area. They are in good health though which made it easier and obviously your DS may need support services nearby.

That’s tough. How does DH feel about eventually caring for your family? Your sister cannot live alone - is she with your parents or in supported living? If it’s the former would you think she would ultimately live with you ?
In a all honesty your responsibility is firstly to your own children and the future of your family. What do you feel is best for them?
If you can try to picture yourself in 5 years time - what are your surroundings like? Who is around you? How do you feel?
I lived abroad for quite a few years and really missed my family,. We came home and to be honest often wish we hadn’t. Caring for extended family is hard and feels unending.

What if you parents live into their 90s and don't need any care at all and you just sacrificed your own life on the off chance they will need you at a later date?

My Grandad lived until he was 88, in his own home, he was active, sociable, and independent. He had a cleaner for the last few years but didn't need any care or help with shopping or cooking. He died very unexpectedly of a heart attack.

You have to do what is right for you and your immediate family now. Dh and I have moved around a bit, but the sole purpose of the moves have been for job opportunities, and a cheaper area to live.

Completely reasonable. Live your life. Help when you can but not to your detriment.

Is there no other options ? Move out of London but not miles away ?

Move away. You can always move back or move your sister to you. Don’t put yours and your family’s life on hold now for a future possibility. You can have a better quality of live at least until something arises.

You cannot live your life for "just in case" and "what happens when...". I moved 3500 miles away from my family 20 years ago. I was upset when I went as I didn't think I'd see my elderly grandma again. She died last year! Can you imagine if I had put off moving until she had gone? Then later, I moved even further again, to a very remote island that meant a 7 day journey to get home and even that was limited to a once a month window! Now I'm back to only 3500 miles away again.

Of course I miss my family, especially my sister, but I have my own family now and we do what's best for them. Six hours by car is nothing really. And you can talk on the phone, WhatsApp, Skype etc. No, it's not the same, and sometimes it's really hard, but you have to look at the pro's and con's and do what's right for you, your DH and your children.

I know I couldn't move 6+ hours away from my parents and sister, given the circumstances. You say you would miss them but they will probably feel the gulf even more. They will lose the safety net that you can get there reasonably quickly if they need you. They probably need you and your family more on a social basis too because of your sister's condition.

I wouldn't rush into anything yet. I would discuss whether they would consider moving if you did. If you have good family you should try not to put distance between you because practicalities often get in the way and change the relationship for everyone involved.

I faced a similar issue. I had a choice, to move away from family to be with my (now) husband, or stay close to family. My dad has a condition that means if my mom dies before him it will fall on me or my sister to look after him, but my sister lives in London. They are in their late 50s now so it is far enough in the future. It's also a 6 hour journey to see them, but mine includes a flight. If I stayed, my job situation would be pretty bad. I would have had very little disposable income, and a bad quality of life. If I moved, I could afford a house with my husband, kids, holidays, and not worry about money.

I left. I dont regret my choice at all. I do miss my family, but also we make an effort to see each other and our time together is so special. We have made a great life and lots of friends. My kids have a great future. When the time comes where my parents are old and need help I will face it, but it isn't something I can base my entire life decisions and my children's quality of life on. I say do what's best for your family now and in the next decade or so. They are your priority. Lool at all your options and be brave and go for it.

Thank you for all the comments so far. To answer the question upthread, I doubt very much that they would move with us, unfortunately. They are too settled in my home town.

We are lucky that my sister has a place in sheltered accommodation but obviously that does still need a lot of organisation and my parents do still have to do lot for her to organise her transport, activities etc. I'll have to take that over eventually.

As they age, they may have to move into nursing homes or other care facilities anyway, so yes.

The extra money could give you more options.

I would move because of the fact that you don’t know what will happen in the future and I don’t think you can stay living there just on that basis. There are ways to manage it from a long distance; one of them being any of your parents moving closer to you if they needed support or needed to go into a care home and the same with your sister at the point that your parents can no longer continue what they are doing.

You weren't put on this earth to care for them, you were put on this earth to live your life. Not everyone needs years of care. A lot just need a few months (which you can pay for) and many still topple over with a heart attack. It sounds like your sisters life could be organised remotely. Put your own family first, and if you feel guilty then save some of the extra money for a private nurse if they need one.

I would move OP. Potential caring responsibilities in the future shouldn't stop you and your own family having a better quality of life now. There's nothing selfish in wanting a better life for your children, and as PP have said, who knows what the future will bring? If it's something you and DH want, go for it. Don't put yours and your children's lives on hold because of how your family may be in the future.

We are a very small family, DM only has me, DH and DS. She remarried and moved 250 miles away a few years ago. All was happy until DSDad died unexpectedly and tragically.

DH has her life there now (friends, a small job a couple of days a week etc) but is in her 70's and such a long way away (the drive is at least 4 1/2 hours) She refuses to move, which is entirely her choice, but lockdown has made me realise how geographically far away she is if anything were to happen.

There's huge pressure on us to make the journey (the drive is too far for her and at the moment public transport is out) and working full time means I end up using leave to do so.

If I'm honest I resent it, but accept that makes me sound a bit of a selfish cow

We moved 6 hours away from family last year, due to my husbands job. We loved it so much we bought a house here earlier this year, and although I miss my parents, and not being able to get to them very quickly, we've no regrets. Its a far nicer part of the country than anywhere else we've lived, and they are now actually considering moving here to be closer to us.