A friendship One

[Maybeoneday77]

Just looking for some impartial advice here really. I was very close friends with Someone for around 3 years, did lots of stuff together 2/3 times a week, days out, dinners, lunches etc. We were - or so I thought - best friends. She spends a lot of time with a group of others and I was included in all these things but I have the youngest children by several years so didn’t want to do the weekend away trips. Anyway, out of nowhere I just didn’t hear from her much anymore and wasn’t included in stuff anymore. Maybe a text every couple of weeks instead of every day. She didn’t always read or reply to my messages for a couple of days. I was really upset about it for a while but I’ve taken the hint and got used to it over the last couple of years. Now I get a duty text every month or two and suggestion to meet for a coffee and sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no as it just seems to me that it’s only done out of guilt. I just can’t really be bothered with it now. I’ve basically been fizzled out on purpose for being the boring one. On my side the trust has totally gone. We do have friends in common so it’s a bit awkward. I don’t want to have an argument about it as I’ve asked her before and she just said she was really busy. I guess I just want to know if I’m being over sensitive to be hurt by it or if I should just get over it and have a coffee with her.

You could have a coffee but keep it as more of a casual friendship rather than an intense friendship. Hurtful i know..in the mean time broaden your friendship horizons. It is a bit like dating i guess!!

To be honest, I'm not sure what you expected. You chose not to meet up, you chose not to attend things, you chose not to go. Eventually they stopped inviting you. She called you and text you and tried to invite you but you're inconsistent - sometimes you want to and sometimes you don't. So, now she bothers less - and you think she should have tried harder?
You didn't make her a priority, she tried to engage with you and involve you and you regularly shut her down so she stopped trying. Do you think people should just follow you around begging you to be their friend?

Seems like quite a harsh reply above! I don't think having young children and not being able to make it on weekends away equates to making no effort and deserving to be dropped! I'm sorry, OP. Sounds like you do need to broaden your friendship horizons and look for people whose life are more in line with yours at the moment.

I think DrPatient has been very blunt but is likely to be right. Eventually people do give up if others keep saying no and various things do make people drift apart, with children being a typical one.

You seem to have assumed it’s because you are boring but I would guess it’s because you either said no too often or spending time with you stopped being enjoyable for whatever reason.

Maybe she has felt really hurt by you saying no so often or whatever the real reason is behind it. Either way I think you either want to get the friendship back on track (and it so, instigate contact yourself instead of always waiting for her to do it) or call it a day and accept some friendships don’t last.

Are you initiating texts and suggesting meet ups too, or waiting to be invited out?

You don’t mention that you ever got in touch or initiated any meet ups... if that’s the case, then you’re being unreasonable and I’m not sure what more you expect this friend to do.

How often did you invite her out or initiate meet ups?

OP is she definitely still doing as much with everyone else? It might be she has really tightened down on very few friendships and really is truly busy, especially as kids are going through different stages. It is hard. Maybe gauge how it is when next meet up?

Thanks all, a lot of interesting points and definitely given me a lot to think about. She has a very active social life with the old group And also with lots of new friends, but I’m not invited anymore despite going to 8/10 things that I was invited to before (even though I had a 1 year old at the time - I just didn’t want to leave her overnight so said no to the overnight stuff)
This has helped me gain perspective though. Things change, I need to stop being bitter and just accept our friendship has changed and maybe a cuppa or two a year is fine.

To be honest, I'm not sure what you expected. You chose not to meet up, you chose not to attend things, you chose not to go. Eventually they stopped inviting you. She called you and text you and tried to invite you but you're inconsistent - sometimes you want to and sometimes you don't

I agree and think it’s likely to be the explanation. Bear in mind daily texting is quite a lot for most people especially when busy so I think it’s a bit clingy to expect your friends to text you every single day.

Sometimes people grow apart. Maybe just do the odd coffee? Sometimes when we say no people stop asking.