How to feel happy in my own skin again

[Maureenthecat]

I used to be so content with who I was in my 20s. I felt like a reasonably attractive, reasonably talented person and I never questioned that I was a good, kind, decent. I was at peace with myself and others around me.

Something has happened to me. In the last 4 years I left my job to do a phd. I’ve re- entered the workplace in a new career (that I love) but I just feel ... that I don’t like myself any more? I feel as though I’m not good enough, annoying, embarrassing, ugly, boring. I look back at all the stupid things I have done in life, all the times I let people down or fell short or didn’t deliver, and I just feel they define me now. I don’t know where my self esteem has disappeared to, but... how can I get it back? It’s like I have gained a whole new work identity, but my self identity has just... disappeared.

What is your life like outside work? Or does your job take up a lot of time/energy and you don't do much else?

Do you have friends you see regularly, and did that change around that time?

Why do you feel this is op?

You sound like your confidence and self esteem has taken a knock and you have not recovered.

My partner lost himself during his PhD. Feelings of inadequacy, not meeting deadlines etc, lacking in motivation.

Looking back thry were very difficult times for us both.

I've also felt this way in a toxic work environment where I lost confidence. It took time to build back up.

Spending time with friends and family who love you is a good day to boost self esteem.

There Is an exercise where you imagine stepping outside your self and view yourself from the view of someone who loves you ( I always imagined my grandma) to see all the good things about you.

@rosiejaune I don’t have much of a life outside of work... eapecially now obviously, but the phd just kind of wiped out my social life. Also while I have been studying, almost all my friends have had babies. I am still their friend, and we meet up and chay, but I just don’t feel important in their lives any more.

Thank you for the lovely advice @Fluffymulletstyle, the missed deadlines and never feeling good enough really tone with me and my experience of doing a phd. Even though I passed it, I feel like a massive failure, because I found it hard. Not the research, just the deadlines and constant grind of it all.

I like the suggestion of looking at myself through the eyes of somebody who loves me, but I’m not sure who to choose. My mother, I suppose, but she will happily acknowledge my faults, she just loves me in spite of them xx

That sounds tough. You've had the double whammy of going through a PhD and a big change in dynamic with friendships meaning you've lost your support network.

I think my DH struggled as he was very academic at school and uni where it is much more structured, whereas the PhD you have to have that self motivation. He also feels he's failed at life, I think because he expects a lot of himself and was used to finding things easy, but it a totally different set of skills needed. No one else thinks he's failed and it's hard to see as his partner.

With your friends, it's worth trying to reconnect. Bear in mind their lives will have changed drastically ( I say this having had 2 babies) and it can be hard to stay in touch with friends without children or even have the headspace to call someone. That's not a reflection on you it's the street brutalness of the early years of parenting!