Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To bring up sthing that happened 8 months ago

46 replies

bunpot · 04/07/2020 23:39

... But that I've only just realised why it bothered me so much?

It was our first night out after having DD. We were at a club with friends and got separated, and when I found DP he obviously hadn't been looking for me.

He should have been looking out for me, shouldn't he?

At the time we fell out but the next day I apologised thinking I was being paranoid. He never apologised.

It just popped into my head because I was thinking about a time before I was pg when I'd wandered off in a club for 2 mins and he'd had a go at me for it.

Is it stupid to bring this up now?

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 05/07/2020 07:22

Did he think you were on your own or with friends? If the latter then I do think you're being silly really, but if he had reason to believe you were alone then I'd expect a text message at least.

SoleBizzz · 05/07/2020 07:31

I haven't been in a relationship for yesrs. I must have totally forgotten what it's like ss I haven't got a clue as to why you needed him.

TitianaTitsling · 05/07/2020 07:33

Was just going to say what tiny has, were you totally on your own and he knew this? Had you tried contacting everyone and noone responded? I suppose it also makes a diff where you were! Huge city club with many floors and doors or like the one in town nearest us, only holds a few hundred! Was he sympathetic to your distress?

SephrinaX · 05/07/2020 07:37

If it was 8 months ago and things have been fine since, bringing it up now probably won't achieve anything.
Maybe next time you're out-out just mention it casually to him, so you're not bothered about it, but don't make a 'thing' out of it or you might end up ruining your night out.

SteelyPanther · 05/07/2020 07:47

Don’t bring it up now, just leave it.
But don’t be hard on yourself, you’ve had a baby and it changes you. You worry that you need to stay alive to be there for your child, you worry that your partner will cheat and you’ll be left alone to bring up the child. Really don’t worry, it’s not unusual to be a bit paranoid, you just need to keep it in check and pick your battles wisely.

I have things pop into my mind that happened years ago and I’m either embarrassed about it or wonder if I should have done something about it at the time.

Argggghhneedclarity · 05/07/2020 08:00

I have this kind of thought pop up from time to time about stuff that has bothered me years before. It's normal (I think) if something wasn't resolved. If everything is ok with DH now, I would try and make peace with it and move on. People are sometimes a bit shit without realising it- if he knew you were feeling vulnerable/ hormonal then yes, he should have tried to find you perhaps. But there are plenty of possible reasons why he didn't. There's no reason for you to bring it up with DH now, unless something similar has happened now... I would say putting it into words on here may have helped you, but some people's responses are unfeeling and nasty. Hope you can get past it.

GinWithRosie · 05/07/2020 08:25

Is there any particular reason why he actually ought to have been looking for you OP? Are you vulnerable in any way that makes this necessary?

Laaalaaaa · 05/07/2020 08:30

If he’s gone looking for you and you’d been with friends the replies would be telling you he’s controlling etc.

picklemewalnuts · 05/07/2020 08:32

I get cross in the supermarket when we get separated and he isn't looking for me, so I know where you are coming from. I used to spend ages walking up and down trying to find him, he never looked for me.

I reached a certain point and decided sod it, I'll do the same as him. I keep going on my merry way. He now gets a bit flustered when he can't track me down.

If someone in my group got separated, I'd be looking out for them. Of course I would.

DS2 calls it 'group cohesion'- it's a military/gaming tool. He and I have high levels of group cohesion, DS1 and DH do not. He and I act like sheepdogs, keeping our family together while out and about. DH doesn't use a phone so would be properly lost without DS2 and I.

picklemewalnuts · 05/07/2020 08:34

@Ginwithrosie, when you go out with someone do you not stay together? Surely you don't arrive then go off and do your own thing? Would OP need to be vulnerable to want to be with the group she arrived with, particularly her husband?

pickingdaisies · 05/07/2020 08:43

There's not enough to go on in your op, does he often ignore you when you're out? Has he got form for selfishness? How long were you separated for? Five minutes feels a lot longer when you are the one lost and trying to find everyone. But if you're enjoying yourself with a bunch of mates it's gone in a flash. He was being a bit thoughtless, or maybe he was making a childish tit-for-tat point, but there's no point bringing it up now. But hey, I can hold a grudge for years, 8 months is nothing when something has really upset you, and the memory can resurface at odd times.

TitianaTitsling · 05/07/2020 08:52

OP hasn't said if she was totally on her own though or if she was with friends and the group had just split though.

Russiandolleyes · 05/07/2020 08:59

I imagine you generally feel a bit uncared for and you can't put your finger on it. I wouldn't bring it up now but maybe explore why you may be feeling this way. Do you feel like a team since the baby arrived?

My exH used to disappear for ages to do shots and get absolutely wasted - he was completely care-free in a way I never could be once we had young children. This was a reflection of his attitude in general. I'm not saying your DH is the same, but maybe the differences in your behaviour are starting to bother you.

Apple1029 · 05/07/2020 09:01

I think I get you. If my dh knew I was with my friends then he wouldnt have come looking for me. My friends are very trustworthy and we always take care of each other. If he saw my friends and not me , he would definitely be looking for me. Either way he 'knows' I am ok.

ChickenDrumstick · 05/07/2020 09:15

It’s odd to me that this is still bothering you so much nearly a year later. Has something happened to bring it back up or has it been playing on your mind for that long?

Is everything else generally okay? If it is, then let it go as it isn’t worth upsetting the Apple cart.

NellieandRufus · 05/07/2020 09:37

If we were out with friends then my husband would never come looking for me if I wasn’t with him. If it was just the two of us then he would.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/07/2020 10:09

Did he think you were with friends? Do you know the friends well? How long were you separated for? I think all this makes a difference.

If youd been separated for 45 min and with his friends that you didnt know very well then I'd be a bit miffed that he didnt look for me. If it was 15 min with good friends then I'd think he assumed you were catching up with them

NataliaOsipova · 05/07/2020 10:15

It would have been different if it had been just the two of you, but if you went with friends, I’d have thought that he got caught up talking to one lot of them and just assumed that you were doing the same with some of the others. I honestly wouldn’t read anything into this on its own - are there other things which make you feel that he doesn’t look out for you?

GinWithRosie · 05/07/2020 10:21

@picklemewalnuts goodness! I was asking as further clarification of the actual situation at the time, so as to answer the OP better, not as an interrogation or just being nosey!!

If she had been vulnerable in any way, then yes, her DH ought to have ‘looked out’ for her. If not, as a fully competent/functional adult, I imagine he just assumed she was with friends or somewhere else in the club, but not unsafe.

And no, I don’t stay glued to the side of the people I’ve gone out with...neither do they, which is fine. And if someone disappears for 15 minutes or so when we are out, we assume they’ve gone to the bar and it’s busy, the toilet queue was horrendous or they’re having a chat with someone else. We don’t own people, but we would of course be aware of how long they’d been gone and check after half an hour or so...so my question about vulnerability was very valid. Which is why I asked before answering the OP.

There simply wasn’t enough information in her posts...how long she had been gone, where she was/who she was with or her capacity at the time (that could be physically/mentally or due to drinking or whatever on the night in question...it’s all relevant to the post and subsequent responses).

Pebblexox · 05/07/2020 10:32

I think it's been too long to really bring it up. Is there anything else going on in your relationship right now? It's bizarre that suddenly after this long that just popped into your head and made you angry and upset without there being some kind of catalyst to get you to that point.

In this situation, I wouldn't be fussed if dh hadn't come looking for me mostly because I'm a big girl and if we're out with friends he's knows I'll be off somewhere with them. Same for me, if he disappeared I wouldn't think anything of it, just that he was with mates or had seen an old friend or gone for a fag or something.

ResumetonormalASAP · 05/07/2020 10:33

Perhaps you are not particularly confident?
If I go out with partner and friends and we separate a bit because he/I am chatting to others neither of us would worry.

Does he have to hold onto you when you are out/are yoou an anxious type of person needing lots of reassurance. Confident, secure people wouldn't worry about this unless there was a back story/history... has he gone off with someone and not turned up until the following day/cheating history?

Maybe you are feeling a bit insecure at present?

In any event you are anonoymous on here so don't worry if people say things that yoou don't expect or find uncomfortable... pick through the answers and see if any fit your circumstances.

Good luck.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread