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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New potential love interest and child

51 replies

Magicra84 · 04/07/2020 19:46

So there's a divorced man who is really keen to get to know me more. We've known each other a few months in passing in the local area.

We recently added each other on Facebook and looking through his photos there's an album entitled 'my son, childs name'. I questioned him about this as he said he has no children and he says it's his favourite nephew who he's really close to and he calls him his son. Alarm bells are still ringing though, especially as I had a man not long ago lying about a child he doesn't have contact with. AIBU to still be suspicious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicra84 · 04/07/2020 21:18

He's still absolutely insistent. I'm in a really fragile place and sick of men being dicks.

OP posts:
TooTiredTodayOk · 04/07/2020 21:25

So stop putting yourself through it and bin him off.

Whether it's his son or not, it's wrecking your head, so he's just not worth it.

LouiseTrees · 04/07/2020 21:30

I think you can change the name of the album. Maybe ask him if he would change it to “my favourite nephew”

ChangeOfNameNeeded07 · 04/07/2020 22:47

@TooTiredTodayOk

So stop putting yourself through it and bin him off.

Whether it's his son or not, it's wrecking your head, so he's just not worth it.

^^ this
Threelilbears · 04/07/2020 23:53

I agree, walk away. 15 year old me was told by my first bf that he lived with his brother and his sister-in-law. It was my 'bf's' wife... Only found out by accident. I don't know how some ppl find it so easy to lie.Hmm

Casablanca78 · 05/07/2020 08:10

My first instinct was to say he's a liar and bin him off but if you know/see him locally and he's willing to add you on Facebook knowing these photos are on there, then maybe its true. Especially if he's still adamanent after you've confronted him about it.

Definitely odd though. Is there any mutual Friends/contacts you could check with?

Aweebawbee · 05/07/2020 08:21

Are you sure he's divorced?

Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/07/2020 12:35

He's still adamant and having a go at me because I doubt him. I still doubt him very much. This is the same man who said to me that when he saw me he thought I had a really pretty face even though I'm a larger woman. Wtf?!

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/07/2020 12:36

Block him

dontdisturbmenow · 05/07/2020 12:39

He's saying the kids are closer to him than they are his brother
The kidsss....so why a folder with 'my son' rather than my kids?

Can you see the pictures?

Qwicky · 05/07/2020 12:41

@Magicra84

He's still adamant and having a go at me because I doubt him. I still doubt him very much. This is the same man who said to me that when he saw me he thought I had a really pretty face even though I'm a larger woman. Wtf?!
Why on earth would you even consider dating this prick? Block and move on.
Original poster
Magicra84 · 05/07/2020 12:41

The kids he has pics of on FB are two twin girls and a lad. Only the lad is in the album titled ' kids name - my son' the girls appear in other albums.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 05/07/2020 12:43

You said yourself you are in a fragile place

Take responsibility for your actions. He is making you feeling anxious.

Move on

Elieza · 05/07/2020 12:52

He’s negged you. That’s not good.

Is he a different religion or culture to you? It could be he has a secret wife and child? The wife may not be married to him in an Islamic ceremony (they could have a registry office wedding) so he doesn’t count her as a wife even if UK law does.

He is very close to his family. That could mean if you did become part of his family you would be very involved, especially if the family expects women to be closely involved in caring for others within the family, and this could be a full time role. Fine if you know that. After a previous experience I think different cultures can easily clash if expectations are not fully understood and if neither want to compromise it causes problems. Not always.
Just saying.
Perhaps get some space from this man and think what you want.
Plenty of fish in the sea.

Qwicky · 05/07/2020 12:53

You've let this "relationship" last far longer than it should have. It should have been "thanks, but no thanks" the first time you had your suspicions and now you're allowing shitty backhanded compliments and constantly returning for more.

I mean this in the nicest possible way ... have some self respect. No wonder you've had a stream of shitty men walk all over you. Put dating on the back burner for a while and work on your assertiveness and self image.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 05/07/2020 12:56

Sounds like a cultural thing to me, I've heard of some who refer to all older adults as Aunties / uncles. Whereas people of the same age would be sister / brother.

And let's face it, if he was trying to hide a child's existence he wouldn't be thick enough to have an open photo album on facebook titled ' my son '.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/07/2020 13:29

He's having a go at you, and he's basically called you fat, and you have doubts about his honesty and YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED DATING YET?

Lass, the hills are over there ===>

AdultFishcakes · 05/07/2020 13:37

@Magicra84

He's still adamant and having a go at me because I doubt him. I still doubt him very much. This is the same man who said to me that when he saw me he thought I had a really pretty face even though I'm a larger woman. Wtf?!
Seriously, no woman needs to put up with that absolute lack of respect ever.

Dump his ass and spend some time working on your self esteem.

MynephewR · 05/07/2020 13:38

Oh FGS of course it's his son. Not only is he a liar but he is treating you like an idiot by thinking that you would believe this nonsense. Get rid!

Yeahnahmum · 05/07/2020 14:21

Red flag the side of Russia.
Block this man now and thanks mumsnet later

Yeahnahmum · 05/07/2020 14:22

The size of Russia *

LockdownLump · 05/07/2020 14:31

Block block block!! That back handed compliment he gave you is to make you feel insecure, so that a) you're lucky he fancies you and b) you won't be able to get any other man apart from him.

Of course it's his son. It's there in black and white!

Motoko · 05/07/2020 17:24

He's having a go at you, and he's basically called you fat, and you have doubts about his honesty and YOU HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED DATING YET?

Lass, the hills are over there ===>

^This.

Look, you've said you're fragile, so block him. You're not even boyfriend/girlfriend, yet he's already angry at you. He's a liar, and the reason he's getting angry, is that you called him out on his lie. He wanted you to meekly accept what he told you. He wants a woman he can bully around and abuse. If you have low self esteem because of your weight, he will tell you that you're lucky to have him, as no-one else will want you, and you will start to believe him, and won't leave him.

This man is clearly showing you what he's like, and you'd be a fool to continue talking to him, let alone start dating him.

Do the Freedom Programme before you start dating anyone, and work on your self esteem. If you've had a string of dickhead boyfriends, you obviously don't recognise the red flags.

Block him now, and don't have any more to do with him.

Yankathebear · 05/07/2020 17:30

Bye bye boyfriend

Bagshot · 05/07/2020 18:50

British Muslim here, it's not cultural or normal to call your niece or nephew your child on social media or in person, even if living in close proximity.
Offering some insight, he could be either divorced (but why not just be honest?) or most likely has a wife & kid(s) at home to skivvy away for her in-laws and is stringing you both along. Tell him to do one.