To be really annoyed about this?

[EagletonSucks]

I'll try to keep the backstory as brief as possible... Basically DHs brother treats him and the rest of his family like shit but it came to a head around a year ago with him and DH falling out over a pretty big thing (in a long line of things) that his brother did to him that hurt DH.

Since then we have had some really hard times with pregnancy losses etc which have affected us massively and DHs brother has not been in touch once to offer condolences, to check on him, or just to tell him he's sorry. I know he knows about it as his parents confirmed they had told him what happened.

Anyway, I have always felt that DH and his family panders to his brother a lot. He gets away with everything as he has depression. I do understand things are hard for him but he walks all over everyone and is so selfish but everyone is too scared to say no to him basically.

Anyway, his brother finally got in touch with DH recently. Hasn't apologised or anything and DH now tells me that he's just given him money. So essentially he's got back in touch after treating DH like a dick, hasn't even said sorry and instead DH has lent him money.

He says 'its my brother what am I supposed to do' but I'm so annoyed. It's DHs money, I get that but I'm so sick of being the one to have to go over and over this with DH when he inevitably treats him like shit again or doesn't get in touch again for months now he's got what he wanted.

I've basically just had a massive go at DH and he thinks I'm being unreasonable because it's his money and his family. But I'm so annoyed, I'm the one who sees how torn up he's been about the way his brother treats him, I'm the one who has to deal with that and listen to it and bite my tongue. It's easier for me to be hard about it because it's not my family, I get that but I hate how this person treats other people.

DH will never get this money back, I'm fairly certain of that. I'm also fairly certain that now he's got what he wanted, his brother will just drop off the radar again for however long.

I'm sick to death of everyone pandering to a person who only thinks of themselves.

AIBU to be really annoyed with DH and not be speaking to him? It's technically his money but we're a family. We are saving up to buy a house and we need all the money we can get at the moment due to the current situation and he didn't even speak to me. Tbh I'm more annoyed about the fact his brother has just waltzed in and taken DH for a mug again than that but it's also a factor.

Having a go at your husband isn't fair here - he's the victim here. He's the one being treated badly. Would you have a go at a friend who was being taken advantage of and treated badly? You are not the victim here, your husband is the victim here. Having a go at him is a horrible thing to do and you should apologise to him.
However, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is so immensely difficult when you see the person you love most being treated like that - and I do understand he's treated you poorly as well.
My MIL was very similar, she was very abusive and money-grabbing and the whole family pandered to her and it hurt everyone else. Eventually, she went too far on one incident and the family, very suddenly turned their backs on her. She has no familial support whatsoever now. You pretty much have to hold tight and wait out til the karma hits or he falls on his own sword. I'd recommend your husband and you have some discussions about protecting your husband emotionally from abuse, seek professional advice if needed.

The thing is, we've had this conversation so many times. We literally had it the other night when he got back in touch first, I said just be careful etc etc. We went over everything and he agreed and said he would be.

And now this, without even talking to me he's given our family money to him?

I'm not really angry with DH. I'm angry with his brother, I have been for a long time and I'm angry that DH is being taken for a mug again. The whole situation just makes me furious when I see how people I care about being walked all over and treated this shit. But no one helps themselves either, it's like his brother just clicks his fingers and everyone does what he says because they feel sorry for him.

I know I'm not a victim, I never said I was. But it is me having to pick up the pieces and it is my families money going to a person who treats them like garbage so yes it really does grate on me.

Having a go at your husband who's just given your money (and you're married so it is your families money) away to a known user, someone who's treated you all so appallingly, during the middle of a pandemic when times and finances and jobs are so uncertain, without a single word to you, his wife, is definitely not a horrible thing to do.

I'd be very angry if DH did this without speaking to me. I'm assuming we aren't talking about £20?

I can sympathise OP and I think your anger comes from a place of concern for your DH. I would be annoyed too at his brother for taking advantage and your DH will need to realise that even though he’s family doesn’t give him the right to treat him badly.

Maybe try having a chat once it’s calmed down a bit and make sure he knows decisions on what I am assuming is a sizeable amount of money need to be discussed.

Every family has one bad egg unfortunately

Your husbands a dick.
People might say he’s the victim but the reality is he knows what he’s doing.
Pandering to a user.

I can sympathise OP and I think your anger comes from a place of concern for your DH

It does. It really does. I know that. I'm just so furious that this has happened again after everything that's gone on and after we literally spoke about it about 2 nights ago.

I'm not just mad straight away, I really have spent a lot of time listening and discussing and going over things and suggesting professional help, even trying to see things from his brothers POV in the past etc ...

I would tell your dh that you don't want to hear about it when his brother treats him like shit again.
His brother didn't even acknowledge the hardship you have gone through, he didn't give a shit. Your husband CHOOSES to allow his brother to teat him like shit. He doesn't have to give in to him.

It's technically his money but we're a family.

Well, you also sound like you're technically married, so your focus here should be on the financial situation, specifically (1) whether or not his unilateral decision has adversely affected the family and (2) why you have 'his' and 'hers' money and how you envisage that working long-term, especially given the fact you're planning to bring children into the mix.

In any case, if you've consciously agreed to maintain separate finances, then it sounds like you've agreed that each of you is free to spend your own on anything you want.

I'm the one who sees how torn up he's been about the way his brother treats him, I'm the one who has to deal with that and listen to it and bite my tongue

This bit is only really something you can (and should) control to the extent it affects you.

You say you're the only one who sees it - you're the only one who sees it through your eyes, OP. DH sees it through his. He's perfectly entitled to set his own boundaries and decide for himself what treatment he's prepared to accept from his brother.

However, if he then gets upset about it and leans on you for sympathy, you're perfectly entitled not to 'bite your tongue' - why do you feel the need to do that?

You can't rescue him from this situation, but you also don't have to pander to DH the way that he does to his brother. You can't control his behaviour, but you should absolutely be free to control your own.

Well, you also sound like you're technically married, so your focus here should be on the financial situation, specifically (1) whether or not his unilateral decision has adversely affected the family and (2) why you have 'his' and 'hers' money and how you envisage that working long-term, especially given the fact you're planning to bring children into the mix

Yes we're married. We have his and hers money in the sense that we have separate bank accounts however, we have joint savings we put money into each month for the house, he also sends me the rest of his money every month as I pay the most bills out of my account, I do the shopping etc... and we just use my account/card for whatever we need throughout the month. My account is essentially used as a joint account basically.

So it is his money in this sense that it's come from his account and he earned it but it's less money going to my account meaning we'll have less money to use for other things in the month or less to put towards the house this month.

We need to get round to opening a proper joint account for bills, it's something we are planning on doing just haven't got to it yet.

However, if he then gets upset about it and leans on you for sympathy, you're perfectly entitled not to 'bite your tongue' - why do you feel the need to do that?

I don't bite my tongue with DH. He knows how I feel. I meant with his family (they often talk to us about it but they don't want to see it for what it is) and his brother.

I pay the most bills out of my account, I do the shopping etc... and we just use my account/card for whatever we need throughout the month. My account is essentially used as a joint account basically.

So it is his money in this sense that it's come from his account and he earned it

Well, I can see why you're pissed off now!

Does that setup feel fair to you, OP?

I've never really been bothered as he literally sends me all his money every month so his does pay his share but I understand it would be easier if we just had a joint account. Just never got round to it yet.