to be super fed of DD's grumpiness?

[user8965]

I'll preface this by saying I'm probably just being a monumentally grumpy cow but I'm at my wits end. DD is 8 and really struggled with the loss of routine when covid hit. She doesn't want to do anything and is SO grumpy. I work from home and so does DH so this adds on the stress as she just sits around moping all day. It's an absolutely huge battle to get her to do her homework and always ends in a fight. She'll spend over 1 hour fighting and then spend an hour or so writing just one page of work which realistically should only take 15/20 mins max. If either of us try and suggest doing something she doesn't want to. I'm just so fed up and miserable. She doesn't even get excited if we suggest seeing people and doing something outside the house (socially distancing obviously). What do I do? I feel like I'm going to scream!

So it sounds like you have a depressed DD. The correct response is not to moan about her grumpiness.

I'm assuming she's lost her school routine, lost her friends, had no time to herself, had no time without direct adult supervision, likely lost whatever it was that gave her self-esteem - even if she derives it from your praise, it's unlikely she's doing anything that enables you to provide, but by 8 a lot of kids are more external to the family 'cos they already know their parents will think everything their kid does is awesome.

As to what to do of course, that's much harder, we can hope, in fact I think we all hope that so much of the depression will start to go once schools return and the routines return, but even that is not for many months, but that hope also limits how interested schools and GP's are in child depression at the moment. I would still contact both though.

Otherwise, I'd see if you can find something that breaks the nothing-but-family routine you're likely in, find some activity that can be done with different people in a different group - is there anything she enjoys that is available, some club/activity something?

Is the homework really that important?

She may also be pre-pubertal and experiencing hormone surges that affect her mood.

What do you do? Id be being as loving and kind and supportive as possible - what an utterly shit time to be 8, she must be fucking miserable.

Have you tried talking to her about the situation and how she feels, or have you just been expecting her to cope, as if she's 35?

sirfredfredgeorge - I'm not sure how you get that she's had "no time to herself"? She spends most of the day doing her own thing. That's very true about external to the family. She gets so much from her teacher's praise. As per my OP, I've tried suggesting doing things with other people and she's just not interested. She used to enjoy going to the beach but I've suggested doing that with some other people and get very little response.

@rosiejaune She used to be really far behind at school. Over the years she managed to catch back up but now after several months off she's slipping again. I barely get her to try and do any homework any more but I'm so worried about her being really far behind especially as it's possible they won't be back full time even in September. I'm literally talking about trying to get her to do just one piece of work a week! Obviously I tried loads to get her to do more in the start but I just can't have that many battles when I'm also trying to work full time.

Just wish we could all get some proper routine back!

Sorry, cross post @theproblemwitheyes. Of course I've not just been expecting her to cope "as if she's 35". How bloody rude of you to assume! I try lots to get her to talk but I always just get shrugs. It's like talking to a brick wall. Tbf it's an utterly shit time to be any age.

I'm not sure how you get that she's had "no time to herself"? She spends most of the day doing her own thing

By no time to herself, I meant by herself, not supervised by you - no independence, there's always a parental gaze. At school, at break times or in a crowded playpark, or at a club there's adults there, but the supervision is not the same at all, you're free from the gaze, and at 8 it's when it starts to become important to the child, but very difficult to actually create without the lost in a safe crowd part.

She used to enjoy going to the beach but I've suggested doing that with some other people and get very little response

This is why it sounds like depression, and not just grumpy 'cos she's bored.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/children-depressed-signs/

@user8965 its a shit time for everyone, but at 8 you're completely at the mercy of others, you've got no control, so the isolation is immeasurably worse.

Rather than jumping down our throats, maybe take a minute to think about what we're saying. Your daughter sounds depressed, not grumpy. Rather than complaining, maybe try listening to us. Your daughter needs love and support. She's 8! She's not equipped to cope with this.

Op my ds is 8 and sounds pretty similar. To be honest I’m just letting it go. We’re just doing the very basics for school work now to keep things ticking over. I’ve accepted he’s in a bad mood a lot of the time and I just try and be a bit comforting and reassuring and let him get on with it. I’ve also relaxed a lot on screen time. I’m trying to make sure he gets to see his best friend at least every fortnight.

It’s not been helped by the fact that my youngest is back at school. Ironically I think they’re both jealous of each other! But I’m pretty sure that come September when he can go back to school things will settle down. It’s a weird time and a lot of children will find all this very hard to process. I think we just have to go with the flow a bit to be honest. School work is not the be all and end all if it’s causing more upset than it’s worth.

I see what yo mean @sirfredfredgeorge. I'm just not sure there's a way of recreating that at all as things currently stand for us

@MarcelineMissouri that sounds so difficult for both of them seeing the other go to school / stay at home. Tbh we're literally just attempting the bare minimum in terms of school work but even that is just too much most of the time. It's so good he gets to see his best friend, must be nice for him

I'm going to step away from this thread now and see if anyone over on Mental Health can help.

Ah your poor DD. She will be missing her routine and her friends so much. My 8 year old has struggled.

The things that have helped massively is meeting friends outdoors now that we can, doing activities with her even when I’m working, we’ve started reading a book together and even when she’s grumpy and claims she doesn’t want to, we still read it.

She won’t be able to articulate exactly what’s wrong - she’s so young.

The best you can do is give her one to one time during your working day, take her out every day and find any activities she can do (we’ve started tennis lessons for dd),

I would also see if school will give her a call with her teacher. Ours did that and it was nice for dd.

I can totally empathise OP only my dd is 15. Cancelled GCSEs, cancelled prom and didn’t see her friends for 3 months.
She has just started meeting a couple of her friends, which has helped a bit. Could your dd start seeing a couple of friends and getting out of the house or have a friend around? It might help a little. Could she now spend time with grandparents? Have you asked her what she would like to do?
I know it’s difficult, especially working full time; I am too, only out of the house.

Firstly - is her doing homework really worth a battle? Just leave it. Schools break up in what, two weeks? Nothing bad will happen because an 8yo didn't do her homework.

Secondly - I agree with a DD that she sounds depressed and needs medical help. She's beens stuck at home with her parents 24/7 for three months - hasn't seen her friends, gone to school or gone to the park - no wonder she's struggling and grumpy. Please get her the help she needs before things get worse.

Sorry you are going through this I have a teenager very similar behaviour. Luckily as older has social media keep.in touch with friends and is hopefully meeting some this week. Please try and ignore the some of the condescending comments. There are some very judgy people on mumsnet who have perfect children and are perfect parents. Obv you can get great advice too. I think we need to pick our battles at this hard times.

Thank you so much for the support. Sorry for the defensiveness. DH & I have suffered with depression for years which covid has made so much worse but it's not DD's fault. Problem is, I don't even know how to deal with my own MH, how the heck do I help DD deal with hers? And I know full well my parents made mine so much worse as a teenager as they didn't understand or know how to help.

She seems brighter today which is positive. Just hope there are no long-term problems once we get back to some semblance of normal.

Have asked her what she wants to do on a number of occasions. She's never been very good at articulating what she wants to do and I'm finding it hard to know what to suggest when options are so limited. Sadly one set of grandparents lives hundreds of miles away and since we can't stay anywhere overnight (or can we? I'm finding it hard to keep up) it'd be hard to see them and the other set are still shielding at the moment due to complex health issues & they don't really feel comfortable seeing people. Hopefully we'll be able to see people soon. Thankfully she's been able to see her younger cousin which perked her up a bit despite her initial indifference about seeing them.

I have found it difficult to get myself to do things I know I usually enjoy. When I’ve done them I am glad. So if you are suggesting outings she’d normally enjoy I would simply announce you are going to the beach/ park/ walk and do it. Have an ice cream or something and keep it light. Ignore the grumps and just try to catch a spark of pleasure.

Please don’t be offended but if both her parents are depressed, stressed with work and she’s been at home for months being told the world is a dangerous place then it’s not too surprising she’s struggling too.

And maybe just accidentally meet up with some friends for a short time.

Have you talked to her teachers about the educational stuff? They may have some ideas.

@MatildaTheCat thank you. I'm not offended at all. I can totally see where you're coming from. Yesterday afternoon we did just tell her we are doing xyz and she really enjoyed it at the time which was so lovely to see. On the educational side of things, her teacher has suggested just getting her to do some Maths work and reading. She definitely does the reading every day. Doesn't do the maths every day but she does a fair amount and when she's in a good mood she enjoys doing it which is good.

I feel really sorry for her, she sounds like she finds no joy in anything at the moment and that's so sad for an eight year old. Especially as she worked so hard at school just to go back to square one again. I hope you can find the help she needs, whatever that is x