How do you keep going?

[Fatemau5]

This is more just a self pitying rant than an actual AIBU but I've a history of self harm and suicide attempts and feel things building again and need to vent before I do something stupid again.

I've always felt I've made the "wrong" choices in life. Mucked about in school and screwed up my uni chances. Chose the wrong college course and fucked that up cause my heart wasn't in it. Somehow had the chance to go to uni later and passed it up to take an apprenticeship instead. That gave me a job but not one I wanted to do and wasn't happy in. Then spent 5 years studying at nights to earn a degree in order to do something I actually wanted to do. Eventually landed my dream job in January and finally thought things were looking up, only to be made reduntant this month thanks to covid (and there's no chance of recovery).

Now I'm back being rejected left, right and centre for jobs again and just feel like it's a pointless struggle. I can't face going back to what i used to do or taking any old job just to exist. I'm honestly at the stage where i don't see the point in fighting anymore. Life just seems one constant struggle and as I don't have any kids to worry about i wonder if I'd be aswell skipping the next 40+ years of misery and just seeing what comes next.

Don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I guess I'm just scared of how I'm feeling now but don't want to burden my family as I've put them through too much over the years.

I'm not going to do anything just now, well going to try and sleep but just needed to get how I feel off my chest. Sorry if this is a rambling mess.

You sound pretty resilient to me. Most people would have given up years ago and yet you stuck it out, qualified and got the dream job.
Covid has hit us all. I’m probably going to be out of a job on Tuesday. But I’ll find something to pay the bills and see me through until I can get back to my “proper job”. A lot of us will be in the same boat. And recruiters are not going to penalise anyone for having an “odd job” in the second half of 2020.

It won’t last forever. I hope things look better this morning

You will find another job, you have already come so far!
It is not the end of the world op, we have all been affected by covid, but you will comet through it. All the best.

Yanbu to feel pissed off with covid putting a pisser on all your efforts but don't let it consume you, you've turned your life round once you can do it again.
There are thousands of people who have had a damn good kick in the vballs due to covid and this was not in your or their control.
Focus on the fact that you can change your life for the better and be patient. Those who have been stung by covid on the work front can bounce back as long as you don't let it get to you and keep going.
Take care and give yourself a break.