Hey,
This is going to be really really long, apologies in advance, I will probably miss huge points but can only remember so much at once, im not man bashing, i am hard work, I have ocd from previous experiences which he understands finally, and can be high maintenence.
I need serious help, im at my whits end, but is it me? Am I the problem? Is my ocd getting in the way? Am I just being narrow minded, totally respect anything that is thrown at me, just help me please!!
I've NC for this.
I have been with my husband for 10yrs, married for 7, have dc8 and my dc 10 whos father passed away and his family never bothered.
Hes a pretty happy go lucky, fun, spontaneous guy, I love him, i
I love his spirit, I love his soul, and we are very similar in character, or at least we were, something changed 2 years or so ago, he started getting right into conspiracy theories and politics, not a problem, if that's his thing to do, to unwind, fair enough, I listen occasionally, don't always agree, but that's how things are, not a problem, I should also mention that there is a significant age difference (15yrs+) but love is love, and I really love this man, it makes my heart hurt.
But this is where it gets complicated, well is wasn't, but apparently they are now, DH has African heritage, through his grandfather, who was a tribal leader in Sierra Leone, husband is very proud of this, as am I, we have always planned on heading to SL once our child is old enough, and looking more into his heritage, finding direct family links, our heritages are very important to us both sides, his is Africa, and mine is Irish, both that our grandfathers are our link, IYSWIM.
Now where this becomes a problem, DH recently went through something tragic, he lost a family member through someone else's doing, sorry for the run around with words, I dont want this to come up in a search, this was absolutely horrific, and I understand he needs time to heal, having been im a similar situation, I have tried to he his rock and I have honestly tried, but tonight I completely snapped.
With covid, there still hasn't been a funeral, they want the deceased to have a good send off, with everyone there, so are holding off (also held back due to forensics, tests etc) I stand by whatever he and his family decide, having been in a similar position before.
I spent December to Feb virtually alone, being as understanding as I could be, luckily, my mum helps massively, I wouldn't be able to work if it wasn't for her, because when it comes to dh, sometimes he is useless, beyond his own wants and needs.
Until eventually I reached a point where I told him, I know he was going through a hard time but he needs to remember, we have young children that need our emotional and physical support too, he says all the right things and then a week later creeps back to where he was, his nephew who is an adult but needs xyz, his sisters all adults, need xyz, then covid hit, i thought we would finally get the break we needed, all was good for about 4 weeks, we had to self isolate in the first month, then 2 weeks later again, the first isolation was great, we really did manage to unwind, it was just us, and the good weather, second isolation started to go down hill, it was us the good weather and the media.
Ive lost thought path because im trying to remember everything thats happened over time.
Basically DH always knows what to say, sorts himself out for a few weeks/months then carries on, which im used to now.
I managed a happy median with media and our happiness, just by telling him, I ignored the media and avoided the Internet because it was affecting my mental health, which is true, all the covid, and everything that went with it, scared me, so I took a back seat and focused on home life and happiness.
This worked fine until the black lives matter movement really picked up.
Blm is significant in both our lives, i will call put racism or any discrimination as I see it, I always have, and DH has told me this was one of the things that drew me to him, but lately, I dont know who he is, and im scared.
He has brought up deep physiological feelings, that i didn't know about, I have been as supportive as I can, but lately, he keeps showing things to our dc, ive asked for him not to show some things, dc is 7, and should not be weighed down politically, well I thought so anyway.
Every day, every conversation is something political, he woke me up to tell me about D trumps latest statement about wearing masks fgs.
Now today happened, and I dont know what to do, DH came in with some lead pellets, said he wanted an air rifle, i agreed the prior days, thinking he was joking around, and I made a point of that.
I told him if this was all we were going to talk about all night I would be going to bed, he said fine, im getting a motorbike, another thing I am not keen on because my dc dad died on a motorbike suddenly before being born, so i told him to F off, he always brings this up to get a reaction and I was not in the mood for it, so he went back to the air rifle, I made a point of previous bad experiences with my DFather and now he wants to get a gun licence, said dont write it off for one bad experience, ill get a junior one so dc7 can do it and how his friend got a gun licence, eventually, i walked away, the conversation ended, next conversation went onto Tommy Robinson and Churchill and trump, he started typing a fb status about it all, i just blew up, after 2 yrs of this, and the evenings conversations already, i think I finally realised he is just waiting for a reaction from me.
I walked away, went down the garden, kept away from it all, dh followed me about 30mins later, came in where i was to carry on conversation, i just blew up, told him I married him, not politics, i was sick of hearing about all the wrong doings in America, why this person is wrong why that's wrong, why this is right, and I told him so, i told him I missed mundane chats about what colour to paint our bedroom, not what trump said about looking like the lone ranger, so he left me alone and about a minute, later he came back and said to me that i only had to ask him why he felt like that, i said that after 2 yrs I dont care why he feels like that, that he never cares about my thoughts before he tells me something, then its all gone to shit, hes basically told me he thinks im racist, that he has elephant blood running through his veins, im heartbroken, i miss my husband, im sick of having a house full of politics, every day i get,did you see.. Did you hear... Im so tired, ive just been diagnosed with anemia and pttd, he couldn't give a hoot, trumps more important, i realise now how unhappy I am, when i looked at old photos, in 4 years I ve gained nearly 10 dress sizes, im tearful all the time, have my back up everytime he tries to start a conversation,
I don't know what to do, is it just me, am i really a racist because I don't want to hear it every waking moment?
I will add that our dc has an autoimmune disease so we did not protest, although we did discuss it, with covid, this was not something we could participate in.
Help me please 😭
I should also mention, that most of this happens when he has been drinking, heavy spirits, without drink everything is fine, my mum has had enough, she was married too and I had an alcoholic as a dad before he drunk himself to death, she said shes been here, she knows the pattern, but it's not the same, or is it?
After i finally reacted tonight, dh walked off saying 'know your place' and messaged me about having elephant blood running through his veins