To ask for your co-parenting success stories when one parent starts a new family?

[Joywillcomeagain]

Ex and I have a dd she's 2.5. We separated in late 2018. Been divorced since dec 2019.

He has a girlfriend he's been seeing since June last year. On Tuesday he dropped the bombshell that she's pregnant with twins (pregnancy was planned, twins weren't).

This has thrown me completely. He and his girlfriend don't have jobs (lost due to covid). They live together in her one bed flat. They planned a pregnancy when they have nowhere suitable to live and no way to support the babies. I know to an extent this isn't my problem but it does make everything more complicated for us all.

I live in the Midlands near my family they live in London and both their families live on the south coast.

He's saying he'll get a job (usually is a high earner when he works - has only worked 2 months since last July) and they'll buy a house in south London so he can be near their families (for the help) and can still come up to see dd. Pre lockdown he was coming weekly to be with her overnight. Will he be able to manage that after they're born??

I just don't know how we're going to make this work now! How have others worked it when dad lives (fairly) far away and starts a new family?? I don't want my dd to now do all the travelling because of his life choices. Success stories and any tips appreciated I just feel overwhelmed by it all.

Hopeful bump ...

Oh I’m sorry OP.
We are a success story but we live close to his ex and have DSC 50%.
Our DD on the whole made our blended family feel complete and much happier. Both DSC adore DD and DD adores them. It very much works for us.

Remember, you can’t dictate where his contact time takes place.

As someone living in London, I’m not sure how he thinks he’ll be able to buy something in south London if he’s only worked 2
Months in the year. Hopefully I’m wrong!

Where was he staying when he came to visit? It’s slightly different but we live 2.5 hours away from DSD although it was her mum who moved away and even before our DC were born my DSD was used to travelling to us. Quite simply us having more DC made very little difference; around the time our DC were due family helped out a bit but we continued to see DSD just as much. It’s not always easy but when we decided to have children we knew that was how it would be and that DSDs relationship with her dad shouldn’t change.

In your situation I think initially when the babies are young there may realistically be less contact; every week is quite a lot but I’d ask for it to still be on a specific routine whether that’s once a fortnight or once a month. I think you probably need to accept that your DD will need to travel down to their house (once they have it) as she’ll need to develop a relationship with her siblings and he won’t be able to stay away from home all the time. I think really though that was inevitable rather than him coming to you for the rest of her childhood.

Yes the house buying doesn't sound likely to me either. I guess if they sell the flat and he is working they'd have a deposit for a house?? Her family are loaded though so maybe they'll step in.

I can say I don't want dd to travel to London all the time surely? That's not fair on her.

I know you are looking for positive stories but in reality it seems more likely that with a new job and twins he won't be travelling weekly to spend time with Dd. When did he last see her?

Such a tough one. You need to advocate for your child, but you need to give her the opportunity to get to know her siblings and she can’t do that with you.

Do you have court order which states contact?

He saw her today. Ok this thread isn't cheering me up as I hoped! What a mess.

Well, the positives are that he is already engaged and visiting your DC while he's been with his DP, rather than him not being involved or starting after no engagement to try and mislead a new partner how wonderful he is. There may be a hiatus around the birth but let's hope that DC gets a sibling and everything carries on positively. Would it help if DC (you) buys something nice for the baby and everyone tries.

Good luck.

No we don't have a court order we've agreed thing among ourselves so far. He hasn't been the best dad. I left when dd was 11 months because he was basically hungover / recovering from drugged up nights out and chasing his best friends wife for the whole time after she was born.

He's cleaned his act up new girlfriend has been really good for him. Still I don't really trust him to have dd away from here without me there. We tried it at Xmas he took her to his mums for three days but she came back very distressed. It took 2 weeks for her to get back to normal.

In all honesty, where there is distance it can dwindle over time. Did he move away or did you? Not that it matters.

I have DD with my ex, my DH has two DSs with his ex, we have a DS together. We live 1.5 hours from his ex and 2.5 hours from mine. It’s tough but we make it work and, particularly with my DD dad, we share the load. He and his gf come and stay at ours, we drive up to see him and drop her off... we split weekends, journeys and holidays... very happy and amicable. Bit trickier with my DH ex... she’s very bitter about the distance and being alone (dating a married man... but that’s another story) but for the kids, the situation works well and we strive to build that relationship more

@Zilla1 thanks for the positives. If he behaves better for this girlfriend after this pregnancy (lockdown will help I think he can't do his hobby currently) then we can hopefully work up to dd feeling safe to stay with them. Just their uncertain living situation makes it feel like that is going to be a challenge too. Thanks for the replies everyone x

@ButtonandPickle19 thank you that's the kind of story I was hoping for. Do you have court orders? Sounds like you keep things lovely and flexible and amicable. What's ur secret? I'm guessing lots of communication and planning?? Do you have rules in place e.g. alternate xmas's?

OP it sounds to be like you’re trying to plan for something which might never happen or if it does happen, your plan will be the proverbial square peg in a round hole. Just take it week by week. Remain open to doing your bit without being a pushover but let him work it out. Twins will be tough. They might take priority for a few weeks after the birth. He might move further away but it is up to him to make it work for all his children. Ultimately, you can’t make it happen, it has to be him. What has really helped me is keeping in mind that ultimately, his relationship with his children is his responsibility.

How far is it from you to London? It's far more likely with new children he'll want your DD to spend time there, it's the only way she'll know her siblings.

3 nights at Christmas, with all the excitement, as well as the first time away was maybe just a bit much. It needs to build up from long days to one overnight, then more.

Where does he stay when he comes to visit your DD currently?

He stays at my house currently when he has dd. I stay at my parents.

He's the one pushing for visits and wants to take her all over the place but I don't think she's old enough and they have enough bond to be able to just pack her off with him whenever he wants.

I'm probably not being very articulate on this thread my head is everywhere. I feel sorry for his new girlfriend and also sad that he treated me and dd so badly. I can't believe this is my life.

You've been perfectly articulate, OP. It's easy to focus on the negative but we can see you've got your DC's best interests in mind and are planning ahead so your life has positives in it. Good luck.

Following with interest OP. My child is just about to get a sibling a few hundred miles away. I can feel things changing a bit already- it is a lot to handle but like a PP said, you're worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. If contact continues, DD will get more used to being away and so will you

I can only share my experience and hope that yours is very different!
Ex dh & I co parented wonderfully for a year or so, then he met someone moved away and had 3 more children in quick succession.

10 years later, my dc rarely see him. The moment he had a 2nd family he withdraw his time, money, the lot. He barely knows either of them and this is a man who previously was a devoted, hands on father who missed them so much on the days he didn't see them.

In your shoes, I would hope for the best but very much prepare for the worst.

No court orders... but you’re right, so much communication. We tie up the kids visits so we either have all the kids, or no kids (bar the baby!)
Every other Xmas, every other Easter, 3 weeks each in the summer, half the other holidays... my ex, us and his ex all have to work together to make sure all our dates match up! My ex and I meet half way between our houses for drop off and pick up mostly but if DD has a show or parents evening etc my ex comes down and stays with us so he can attend.
Set up a plan/routine, make sure it’s fair and you’re both happy with it and then just keep communication open.
I would say, you have to move on from his past if he has moved on from it... do it at a reasonable pace but you do have to learn to trust him to be her father eventually x

Yes, I really do hope he doesn't lose the plot after this pregnancy too. I guess we'll have to wait and see how they end up sorting themselves out and plan from there.

Pisses me off though, he can go and do this and make life more difficult for everyone. You can bet if I met someone and moved further away to have another child he would have tantrums and apply for court applications and try and stop me moving. Feels like I am the one who had to keep the ship stable and he can just do what he wants.

@ButtonandPickle19 thank you for your reply. Nice to hear it can work and you've made it work.
Do your kids generally go away every other weekend or is it more flexible than that?

Try not to over invest in your ex’s life. Do you have a good rapport still? You seem to know an awful lot like the baby was planned and their situation about housing arrangements. Step back and try not to engage in this because its not your concern and it won’t be any good for you either. I can see why your worried but tbh you don’t have any control over how things will pan out it sounds like there will be many changes along the way.

Generally it’s every other weekend but life happens (football games, concerts) for all of us so we just make sure we plan, ask and give plenty of notice. DH ex can sometimes pay for tickets and then announce she needs to swap which can be frustrating but I’m always of the opinion, if I can make it work for the kids then we will.

I can understand how it’s frustrating for you. It does get easier. My ex was an alcoholic and we split when DD was a few months old due to his awful behaviour and drinking... it took him a couple of years to get himself sorted and be trusted to have visitation on his own but she’s now 10 and he’s now a wonderful dad.

If your ex gets his act together and you both put DC first and plan then it can and will work. We have the set plan but it can be changed with good notice. Due to the distance I also make sure DD calls her dad every day, even if only for 5 minutes, to keep them close. Then if he can’t see her or I can’t change he still feels like I support his relationship with her

Thanks everyone I feel more positive this morning. Ultimately if she's visiting dads family it's a bit of freedom for me.

I was getting over invested! I think it's a hangover from when we were together and I always sorted everything out. Not my job this time -thank goodness