Do I have to tell mum/sister I am pregnant ever?! Advice needed...

[Bogginsforpm]

FIrst time poster folks but would dearly appreciate some advice....

I love my mum and sister but the relationship has been fraught over the past few years. There have been periods where we haven’t spoken and my mum, much as I love her, has tended to defend my sister at all costs long after I have lost patience with her. Just to be clear - I love my sister too but don’t think we would be friends in the normal course of things.

I have just found out I’m pregnant for the third time (after a long break after my two eldest) and things have been progressed as you would expect. My partner and I are stable. It’s not ideal financially but we reckon its possible.

Last night I switched on the family WhatsApp (I’ve only just been invited) to find an in depth discussion ongoing about my sister’s recent abortion. I had had no idea she was going through this but it appeared things had gone wrong and she had ended up in hospital. Horrible and I felt terribly sorry for her so sent goodwill messages and will send a card and present this weekend. This leaves me in a quandary. In the normal run of things I would be about to let them know our news but have no idea how to break it now. I know it will be greeted negatively by both. Mum has never greeted a single of my pregnancies positively (spent the first trimester of the first trying to convince me to get an abortion as I was too young (23)) and ignored the second. This I fear will be the same. How do I tell them? Obviously I have to but don’t want to upset my sister and don’t know how to avoid the negativity from mum. Any bright ideas hive mind?

How far along are you OP? Unless you're ready to pop id wait a few weeks at least. You don't have to tell anyone anything until your comfortable.
If you and your partner are happy with this decision then thats all that should matter to anyone.

If you have just found out you are pregnant then wait - give it a couple of months at least. If you wait until you are 20+ weeks then your mum cant even try to talk you into an abortion. I would give sister some try to get around in her head what is happening in her life. If not expecting them to be happy then i would be in no rush to tell. I would just say you were trying to be respectful of sister and also 3rd pregnancies arent as exciting so just got on with it.

Good advice above.

I would also wait. It really isn't their right to have this information and if you have a volatile relationship with them, I personally would feel no obligation to throw myself to the lions when I would rather concentrate on my pregnancy.

To keep the peace, I think waiting would be less damaging all round .

Wait as long as possible - till after 20 week scan at least

Yes, wait for the 20 week scan.

Definitely not until 20 week scan at least, you have the perfect reason 'We weren't sure all was well'.

You could in effect though leave it as late as you like, and quite frankly anyone who thinks they have the right to try and persuade someone to terminate and then expect future happy sharing of pregnancy news must be insane. You'd have every right to not tell your mother until after the birth and say 'After the way you treated me in previous pregnancies, you're lucky I've even told you now.'

Thank you! I wasn’t expecting such quick or such kind responses. Yes - I think you’re all right. I was thinking I should tell them soon (I’m about 10 weeks along) but waiting a bit longer makes sense...

Yes, I agree with pp. congratulations!

I wouldn’t bother telling either of them yet and gear yourself up first another fall out.

Congratulations by the way

You've already had great advice so congratulations.
Remember to prioritise yourself and your well-being when you do announce.

Congrats Op

I think given that you are just 10 weeks along, and your sister has had a recent traumatic abortion, even if you all got on fabulously then Id still wait until nearer 20 weeks. Given the fact that you dont have a great relationship and the way you've been previously treated then even more reason to wait! Id leave it way past 20 weeks now and then use what the earlier poster said about their past reactions to your pregnancy news, and distance yourself as much as possible.

Just wait & avoid talking about it with them. Protecting your feelings & also those of your sister.

dont tell them until you absolutely have it and just tell them and ignore any conversation/critisism etc