Being upset after finding out former best friends DC has been take into care..

[lockdownmu]

We haven't been friends since 2013 - she flounced out of my daughter's baptism before we got to the church. But I found out the other day her DC who is a year older than my oldest has been taken into care.
She's posting on Instagram and FB all holiday memories and things.
I feel very upset and so does my DH who was fond of her DC.
She hasn't asked for help. I just wonder what if anything we can do.

I think it is a natural reaction to wonder if or wish you could have helped, but you will never know and realistally it is very unlikely you could have done anything. Feel sad for the child and even your friend but don't feel guilty/bad about yourself.

I agree with others about not contacting your ex-friend. You haven’t spoke for so long, it ended badly so I don’t think your the right person to support her.

If you feel the need you could contact csc and let them know you’d be willing to offer care for the daughter ( assuming that’s what you might consider). They may well not consider you close enough given the length of time you haven’t been in each other’s lives though. Also she may well be settled where she is.

Social services know what they are doing and are the experts. Let them do their job. Foster caring is a skilled and well regulated profession, the child will be best looked after by them.

I am finding this place really bizarre today.
OP I think it is only natural that you feel sad about a child you once cared about going into care and I'm not sure why people find it odd.
Yes you have chosen not to be friends with her after the flouncing but i would assume that you thought she and her child had happily got on with their life so to find out that there has been such great difficulty as for social services to get involve must be shocking.
I presume you might feel a little guilt that if you had continued to be friends you might have been able to support your friend and this may not have happened but i think that is unlikely to be the case so I wouldn't feel guilty and I'm not sure there is anything you can or should do.

lockdownmu contact her if you want to. I had a fall out with a friend for years and then I found out her house had burnt to the ground so reached out to her.

She was great full as she knew I was genuine and not rubber necking.

She might need all the support she can get right now

It's natural to feel sad for the child, but I'm struggling to understand why the mum is "airing her dirty laundry" on social media. If her child was taken into care due to neglect why would she publicise it? It comes across as pretty attention seeking.

I usually dislike the "mind your own business" posts on mumsnet, but in this case I really think it has nothing to do with you.

Be honest here... You haven't seen or spoken to this ex-friend in 7 years... You don't REALLY care. You just want to know what the gossip is, don't you?

She isn't your friend. If she'd wanted your help, she'd have asked for it. This is a slam-dunk case of MYOB.

I'd keep out of it and not contact her.
It will look like you've been gossipping and are after the low down.
Would you have contacted her if her DD hadn't been taken into care?
I'm guessing that's a 'No'.

You’ve not been friends for 7 years. If you get yourself involved now it’s because you want in on the drama.

You have no idea what’s gone on in her life for this to have come about ... sometimes a good friend and a bit of support can make all the difference. Reaching out and offering genuine support may be gratefully received and even if you cannot offer to care for the child then maybe you can help her to sort out her situation so she can get her child back.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that if you genuinely want to help then reach out to her; she is going through something awful and yes it’s her own doing but that doesn’t make it any less awful. She may not want to talk to you but she may also be feeling very alone with very little support to try and sort things out. The only caution I’d advise is to make sure you know what you’re getting into: if you get in contact with her to offer support then feel out fo your depth and back off then you’ll have done more harm than good.

But weird to feel she could have asked you for help. Not that you could really do anything because you don’t even know why the kid is taken into care. You haven’t spoken as friends in years so why would she seek you out when she has a problem?

Your friendship ENDED in 2013 - 7 years ago!

Seriously - you aren't a friend anymore why would she ask you for help?

@bluebluezoo even if her DH was "fond" of this child it was SEVEN years ago.

Do you really think SS would let them foster based on the fact that they knew her almost a decade ago, and her husband was fond of the kid? That's a really weird/unbelievably naive viewpoint!

How old is the child? Are siblings also in care? It seems strange that a vulnerable child has free access to sm especially if there were child protection or safeguarding issues. Was their father on the scene?

No you should not try to step in unless you are genuinely concerned and willing to put aside whatever differences happened in 2013.

Being in care doesn't always equal neglect or abuse. Children can be placed in care if they or the parent are unwell and the child is not able to be looked after in the way they need. A child could also be placed in care if they have additional needs and/or behavioural problems that mean it is not possible for them to continue living in the family home. A child who is involved in juvenile criminal proceedings may be placed into care or who is a repeated truant or runaway and the parent(s) cannot change the behaviour pattern. Presumably this child has a father too? The father may have obtained custody and then neglected, abused, or abandoned the child or relinquished care to social services for whatever reason. There are umpteen reasons why thr child might be in care, none of them are your business.

Its been seven years, OP, if your former friend wanted you to know or wanted your help them she would have contacted you.

Reach out by all means but don’t be surprised if she understandably assumes you’re only contacting her for gossip reasons and tells you to fuck right off. Which is probably what I would do in her shoes, whatever the reason the child was taken into care.

@Forallyouknow

You have no idea what’s gone on in her life for this to have come about ... sometimes a good friend and a bit of support can make all the difference. Reaching out and offering genuine support may be gratefully received and even if you cannot offer to care for the child then maybe you can help her to sort out her situation so she can get her child back.

I agree.

@LIZS

How old is the child? Are siblings also in care? It seems strange that a vulnerable child has free access to sm especially if there were child protection or safeguarding issues. Was their father on the scene?

No you should not try to step in unless you are genuinely concerned and willing to put aside whatever differences happened in 2013.

Children in care can use social media, although I took it as the OPs friend was posting memories.

I’d find it really weird if my life went to shit and I’d lost my child to find that someone who hadn’t spoken to me in years had offered to foster my child. Particularly someone who wasn’t actually a foster care or already considering fostering. I’d be highly suspicious of their motivation. Tbh I’d say SS had lost the run of themselves if they didn’t also find it really inappropriate.

I think I know what you mean OP. I had to end a previously lovely friendship, because the friend in question got a new boyfriend who got her hooked on drugs. She made bad decision after bad decision and after a few things she did, the friendship was over.

Some years later, a bad thing happened to her which was largely of her own doing, but still tragic. I was really upset, and it took me by suprise. If the thing had happened to the lovely, sweet, bright young woman I used to be friends with, it would have been shocking, unexpected, and I'd have been round there in a flash, but as it was, it was another example of the shit show her life jad become, despite being offered help and support time and time again. The whole thing was just a terrible, rotten waste. Watching the disintegration of a life is never fun

It takes ages to go through the procedure to be accepted as foster parents. Unless you are closely related you wouldn’t be given the child. The OP hasn’t seen the child for 7 years.

If there is a way to make an indirect offer support (like a FB message or through a 3rd party) then I'd say go ahead. That way she can just ignore you if she doesn't want or need your help.

But if she reacts 'badly', don't pursue or try to justify. Just drop it.

You have no idea why the child has been taken into care. It could be any number of things. People mostly jump to the conclusion that it's due to neglect or abuse but that's not the only reasons.. it could be that they can't cope with the dc behaviour, or that the dc has special needs that the parents can't meet. SS will only remove a child as a last resort. There will have been conversations with friends and family to see if anyone else can help. You'd have been contacted if they considered you an option. Stay well away, it's none of your business and you don't know what they've been through

Stay out of it. As brutal as that is. You don’t know what has happened here it could be anything from illness to abuse and you will just like you’re jumping on the drama train.