Being upset after finding out former best friends DC has been take into care..

[lockdownmu]

We haven't been friends since 2013 - she flounced out of my daughter's baptism before we got to the church. But I found out the other day her DC who is a year older than my oldest has been taken into care.
She's posting on Instagram and FB all holiday memories and things.
I feel very upset and so does my DH who was fond of her DC.
She hasn't asked for help. I just wonder what if anything we can do.

[Shewhomustgowithoutname]

@ishith I dont think being under the control/ care is being in safe hands.

[Shewhomustgowithoutname]

Ethical I have personal experience too. It is hard going to try to get women in these positions to see sense. It frustrated me to screaming point. As it is a person closer than a best friend I am not sure if I can just walk away. The past keeps recurring. I do have to protect myself as others have said but I can never forget the past

[Ishihtzuknot]

I was close her to children too and missed them a lot, but after this time I realise they aren’t my responsibility as they aren’t my children and there’s nothing I can do. It’s ok to be sad the child is in care, but don’t dwell on it, the main thing is the child is in safe hands now.

[Ishihtzuknot]

One of my closest friends of many years lost her children a few years back, I was supportive and let her know I was available if she needed to talk. Although I didn’t agree with the things that led to her children being removed, I still wanted to be a good friend as many people turned on her and I knew her mental health was the biggest contribution. She withdrew and we no longer speak as she cut contact. Deep down it was for the best as I found it hard to overlook the things she’d done.
I think you should protect yourself first of all, if you get back in touch with her it may not go the way you hope and depending on why she lost her child I’d be cautious about being friends with someone who put their child in danger.
I’d email or text to check she is ok and if she needs anything to ask, so she is aware you care, then leave the communication open don’t push it/chase her etc, let her come to you. I think she’s lucky to have someone who still cares after so long, but don’t make her problems your family’s problems as you could end up hurt, particularly if she thinks you have got back in touch to be hurtful/gloat.

[Jux]

Getting in touch now looks like you just want the titillation. Leave her be unless she contacts you.

[Ethicalbluey45]

Shewhomustgowithoutaname it might sound harsh to you but I am speaking from experience my ex best friend to cut a long story short thought she would come and help me with my DD my response wasn't a very nice one ,we exchanged words many years ago to the point of no return sometimes its best to keep the past in the past and just keep moving forward

[pictish]

True though

[Shewhomustgowithoutname]

Ethical that is a bit harsh

[Ethicalbluey45]

You haven't been friends since 2013 so basically its got nothing to do with you yes you are allowed to feel bad for her but turning up and offering help would not be greatly received .Personally if my ex friend comes to me offering me help I will most likely tell her to do one and not in a very polite way

[Blossom513]

Did I miss the part where OP said they wanted to foster the child?

[Jeeperscreepers69]

@impossible. What the hell. O hi i no we arnt friends now but im going to foster your kid. In the real world this is not going to happen. Where do you get the idea this is a easy process? I work with kids in care and i assure you a friend isnt a suitable option to foster. Too many holes and minefields

[GimmeAy]

Keep your nose out. You don't like her, she has fallen on hard times - not as if you're going to help her out.

[Bettyboo1957]

Very sad indeed- odd to flounce out of a baptism ( rows and fights at funerals is one thing but a baptism?) She cant have any suitable family to help her out by looking after the child. Why are you still following her on social media.......I think you have to reassess your agenda

[Jeeperscreepers69]

Keep out of her buisness. Its a tough time. If she needs you she will reach out. Kids dont get took into care lightly. Do you really want to be in the thick of this?

[AlternativePerspective]

While I wouldn’t get involved, I would be horrified and really upset to learn a former friend’s child had been taken into care. Not least because it would make me think that this person was someone I hadn’t known at all.

As the oP and this woman have mutual friends I would imagine that if it was because of a terminal illness that would have come out by now.

[StealthPolarBear]

I do get where people are coming from, but you also people who have been through a bad time saying the people they thought they could rely on were nowhere to be found and friends they hadn't seen for years were wonderful

[lockdownmu]

It's just her DC I've known since he was born and it seems so sad...

[lockdownmu]

Sorry Instagram not IF...

[lockdownmu]

Coming back...
I haven't not been in contact over the last 7 years...
I send her emails every so often and via a large group of mutual (very good) friends we have all kept in contact with her.
I can't avoid being in contact with her...
That's why she comes up on my social media feed.
It's only recently she's been posting loads of IF and to be honest knowing what I know I did want to unfollow her.
But it feels like I'm totally dumping her.
I'm not the emotional vampire - this person has treated me really badly for decades - telling me I was fat then telling me she was the only one who understood me.
The christening was when I broke off being best friends with her.
But we were still in contact.

[impossible]

.. which is very common..

[impossible]

Could you make contact with your old friend and (without offering to help) offer sympathy and try to find out what's happening? If you then feel you might be able to help you could open a discussion. Helping might involve caring for DC, which would involve social services checks etc, but might prevent DC being moved to many different foster homes when Ch is very common.
Be careful tho. Don't make offers you can't keep.

[hareagain]

If you're not sure of the circumstances, she may be in genuine need of some support right now. Why would you not? Maybe try and find out a bit more about what's happened.

[GarlicSoup]

@Forallyouknow

You have no idea what’s gone on in her life for this to have come about ... sometimes a good friend and a bit of support can make all the difference. Reaching out and offering genuine support may be gratefully received and even if you cannot offer to care for the child then maybe you can help her to sort out her situation so she can get her child back.

This is the most sensible reply.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah give OP a break

It’s horrible and sad news to divest
I’d be very troubled too

But also agree you can’t do anything for her now

Presumably she was a draining person ?

[TheBouquets]

@Eggyhead7 sadly I have seen the same as you, good friends getting involved with the wrong type of man possibly with drink and drugs in the scenario. These partners are usually living in the female's household and not providing themselves or the girlfriend with a home. The females lose their friends and family.
It is just so very sad for the females, the children and the family and friends of the females. Something should be done. I no longer agree with the idea that it has to come from the female in a bad situation to ask for help. I think friends and family should be able to get help for the female and children.