to ask for your help with temper tantrums? I'm a bit lost...

[spacetime]

My son is 20 months old and over the last couple of weeks has learnt how to tantrum. I understand tantrums are normal but I'm really lost re how to deal with them. He has a good routine, and I always try to know when he's hungry/tired etc. It'll be when I won't give him another treat, or try and put him in the carrier or pram when we need to leave somewhere. He head butts, hits, slaps and kicks all whilst shouting and crying. He's too young to put on a naughty step or similar. I feel like I should do the same thing every time but am just at a loss re how to deal with tantrums. I never give in which I know is a good thing.

How do you deal with tantrums in a toddler who isn't talking yet? Any tips?

Thanks in advance.

Just persist in not going in and wait until they grow out of it.
If you can try and distract before it becomes a full blown tantrum.

Giving in

@gonewiththerain so just ignore and carry on? That's what I've been doing but I'm always so worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

Put him in a safe space and leave him. Keep going back to him with a smiley and seeing if he is ready for a cuddle

Incredible Toddlers says to ignore until they do something good then praise profusely. Say what they are feeling so they become more emotionally aware. And leave them to it unless they are damaging property, pets or people. Then, remove to a safe place and continue to fully ignore. No eye contact. I used to dust the picture frames when mine did.

Watch out for triggers and distract. Mine responded well to my very silly songs. Also useful for face wiping and tooth brushing.

It’s tricky when they are little, determined and cross.

Staying calm yourself is key. Explaining what’s happening even if they don’t seem to be listening helps. Stick to the decision you’ve made but it can be helpful to explain in age appropriate way why you’ve made it.

A hug when they’re calming down can be helpful - some kids scare themselves.

No eye contact is a bit harsh. He can’t help it, he’s only a toddler. You don’t want him to feel rejected because he has an emotion. Just describe what’s happening eg ‘You’re really upset/angry/frustrated that you can’t have whatever. I’m not going to let you hit me.’ And wait for it to pass. You have to help him learn what his emotions are and then learn to regulate them. Don’t ignore him.

Ignore it as much as you can. My eldest wasn't too bad with tantrums and I think it was because I was just too busy with working, being pregnant and then tending to my youngest that I just ignored them. I still have a photo of him lying in the middle of the kitchen floor while I cooked around him.

My youngest was bad for them. It was mainly when we went to get his brother from school. Looking back now it was frustration that he didn't want to go. I absolutely hated doing the school run with him having a meltdown. But you just have to put them in a place of safety or strap them down into the buggy or car seat and let them tantrum themselves out while you ignore it.

I always find myself talking through it. A load of nonsense like, “oh I know, it’s not fair is it? It’s difficult being you, you’re very sad you can’t have another biscuit” - not because I think it will help or because I’m trying to teach them about their feelings or whatever. I do it so I don’t scream. It’s the only way I can wait it out. Tantrums are so annoying but you’re doing the right thing ignoring and not giving in.

If it’s something for safety, I try and prep beforehand: “we’re going to get in the car and once you’re in your seat you can have x (treat/toy/water bottle).” If there’s still a tantrum, I will get him in while repeating that’s it has to be safe, then he still gets his treat/toy/water bottle.

If it’s in the house and not related to safety, I literally sit on the floor near him and let him do his thing. Without fail, he’ll come to cuddle when he’s ready. Sometimes I’ll say stuff like ‘you’re upset and that’s okay, I’m here if you want me’ just so he’s not crying to silence.

Also there’s no right thing, it’s what works for your child. Don’t be harsh on yourself

Agree with Thickfast too. Do try to help them the words to explain their emotions. I used to say to my youngest, I know you don't want to go, but we have to. And complaining won't change the situation is still one of my favorites now they're older!

I think there's a huge difference between ignoring the behaviour and ignoring him. At his age completely ignoring him would be really mean. Time in works so much better than time out. So bear hugs etc to keep him safe and talking through it like a pp said. Please don't ignore him

A bunch of different things. Pre-empt. Be his voice. Say ‘you are frustrated aren’t you, because you can’t get X’ or ‘you are disappointed over X’. That helps.
Second, keep the rules simple. We had/have no hitting, throwing or screaming. Breaking rules, lands you a couple of minutes with me in the thinking corner. Keep reinforcing. I usually give one warning and then remove. Then reinforce again.

I never explain/negotiate mid tantrum. Leave them for calmer moments. Also always explain rules and expectations in calmer comments.
When they just refuse to listen, I will also ignore sometimes. And say, I am making a cup of tea, if you need a hug, come to me.
But be firm and consistent and don’t feel guilty.

We use a lot of 'I understand xyz' language which works well. We also use time out but not as a punishment. I sit him in a space that is safe for him and explain he is sitting there for a minute to have some time out to calm down. Then at the end of the minute I got back, explain why he was there and we have a cuddle and carry on. Doesn't hit, slap, kick or bite now.

I remember reading something along the lines of 'a toddler won't start a tantrum in an empty room'. I always make sure she's safe and then leave. She follows me and usually on the way sees something that distracts her. If not then she carries on and I literally carry on ignoring her until I know she's calm enough to have a hug.

Tantrums aren't being naughty and shouldn't be punished, IMO. Toddlers are highly emotional and yet don't actually know how to handle their emotions yet. When they have a tantrum it's generally because they are feeling a rage that they just can't handle. You know how when they are happy, they are happy with their WHOLE selves, jumping up and down, clapping their hands, being generally adorable? It's the same thing except with sadness, frustration, fear etc.

For the situations you have mentioned, those are extremely common flashpoints, they find it hard to handle disappointment, but also, it sounds like maybe you're just plonking it on him with no warning. It can be helpful to build in a "cue" that something is going to be ending soon. For DS2 "one more" is a good one, we've found. So we might be at the park and we say something like "Time for one more go on the slide, then it's time to go home!" You can also focus on something good that's coming when you get home/to the pushchair/etc. A snack ready to put into his hand as he gets into the pushchair is good. Giving him a choice about pushchair vs carrier or walking vs carrier can also be helpful. Also let him use the word himself, so if he asks for "One more" of something, you could let him have it (just one).

Some really good books I've found useful :)

How To Talk So Little Kids Can Listen
No Drama Discipline

Second the how to talk so little kids will listen, also Janet Lansbury has some excellent free podcasts.

It's not naughty behaviour, and you can empathise with him without giving in. Stuff like 'I know, it's really upsetting that we have to leave the park, and it's time to go'

Remembering that it's totally normal and staying reeeeeeally calm helps too.

Did you have a playpen or safe place you can leave him to calm down , where he wont hurt you or himself
Not as a punishment but just to get it out of his system in a safe place.

Try and head it off at the pass by giving warnings like "soon it will be time to go in the pram" then "once we put your shoes on it will be time to go in the pram" and later "in one minute we will be getting in the pram". So he has time to get used to the idea in advance. I know a toddler doesnt understand time or know how long 1 minute is, but at least he knows it's comingm

Ooh yes agree with Janet Lansbury - her podcasts are brilliant! I put them on when I'm folding washing.