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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to want SILs head on a spike?

31 replies

russinfrussin · 26/09/2007 22:11

okay - i already know it's no big deal and i've calmed down but she started the day mumping at everyone, sniping at her sister and mother, followed it up by coming to the park with me, dh and ds (11 months old) slid ds down an enormous slide on his own which he fell off and ended up biting his lip (blood and tears everywhere) then dropped in to visit in the afternoon and ended up ranting at me because i said i was disappointed that ds won't get health screenings (things like stacking blocks, checking his weight, height etc before he starts school) because they've changed the system here. "well they're just a waste of time and they just make people worry - these educational psychologists are just a waste of space, we come across them all the time, any problems will be picked up at nursery, ALL children go to nursery blah blah blah blah" it just went on and on and on and on (bit like this post!)

Yes, you've guessed it, she doesn't have children! but she is a nursery nurse who drops a lot of hints and gives me a lot of articles about what i should be doing - all good advice but it just comes across as a lot of head nipping from someone who could do to just butt out once in a while.

...and here's the evil part - she's mid forties, single and becoming more and more bitter as the years go by - i know she would love to have kids and that makes me feel bad for complaining about her because she does adore ds but she waps on about safety issues too (our house, garden, where we take him) and then pushes him down a sodding enormous slide so he ends up with a fat lip!

blimey - ok i don't really want her head on a spike, i really want her to meet someone and settle down and have a baby and just be happy but she is such a pain in the arse that i just can't see that happening!

last evil comment - as dh says if she was charming, fun and lovable surely she wouldn't be in this situation (oh dear i can hear the lightning about to strike me down!)

btw - when baby boy did fall off the slide i didn't glare, trip her up or even nip her - i sneakily wiped off the blood so she (SIL) wouldn't see and be upset and breezily said "oh, he's fine - he's just a bit too small for that one, ooh look there's a bus - no harm done" i know, what a wuss, should've thumped her there and then!

OP posts:

LucyJones · 26/09/2007 22:13

yab (a bit unreasonable)... she probably did notice and felt really bad
yes she shouldn't comment, but you obviously have huge issues with her life style choices

Sheherazadethegoat · 26/09/2007 22:15

yabu

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:16

I think you are being a bit mean really.

And as for your DH's comment, well, is it any wonder she's bitter when people think things like that?

I suppose you two are indeed charming, fun and loveable? That's the thing about marriage - it validates you publicly. Doesn't actually make you a nicer person.

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 22:19

Bit harsh on the op there I think. I'm sure most people get fed up with their families and want a moan at times and I'm sure not everyone likes their families either.

Maybe the sil is as described, none of us know do we. Just because you moan about someone doesn't mean you aren't a nice person.

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:21

she wants her head on a stick?

she's not married and is lonely and this is because she's not as charming and loveable as the OP and husband?

I know this was posted a bit tongue in cheek but really...

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 22:28

Yes seems like a tonue in cheek rant, as many other threads are on here. Nothing wrong with that. We all need to let off steam sometimes and it's nice to have people say it's ok.

Maybe sil is that bad and I'm sure op and her dh are nice people. Just because you think someone else isn't nice doesn't make you not nice.

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:32

well maybe she is and maybe it's a badly presented argument because all I'm getting is that the SIL wants to be involved and be part of the family and they don't like her very much.

I just don't like the snidely pointing out that she's not married and childless as if those things are self-evidently reserved for people who are lesser somehow.

Mum07 · 26/09/2007 22:34

YANBU - my MIL is quite forward with advice and then one day she was with DD in the garden when DD starts screaming and her arm puffs up and goes scarlet. MIL's unworried and slightly vague comment: "oh yes i thought that weird looking insect had bitten her".

I think the massive chasm between 'here's what i think you should do with your child' and 'look what happens when I've got your child' is why the head-spiking is demanded!

However, we then take a deep breath and realise that we are all only human, sh1t happens and head-spking drops off the agenda.

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 22:37

To me it sounded like the sil was trying to tell the op what was best for her child and the fact that she didn't have children made it worse. Possibly a relevent fact and didn't sound snidey to me.

It does seem to me like the op does like sil most of the time but is having a moan and wanting a bit of solidarity in that as a lot of us do at times. She sounds as if she'd be happy for sil to settle down as that's what sil seems to want.

I think this might depend on what views you have on sils and if you are one maybe and the circumstances surrounding it.

This op can be taken either way from how I've read it.

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:41

I don't have SILs but I do have ILs and I do have people tell me what to do for the best regarding my child.

It can be annoying but to be honest, one of the things I dislike about MN is "what could she possibly know? She doesn't even have children" as if having children automatically makes us qualified to do anything and to be ever so ever so wise and never to let our child fall off a slide or be stung by an insect.

She's a nursery nurse. I'd be quite interested in the opinions of someone who looks after hundreds of children when I only look after one.

Just to be clear, I'm sure she's really annoying. But to slag her off because she's unmarried and has no children? I'm sorry but that's just nasty.

Mum07 · 26/09/2007 22:46

I don't think anyone's saying that being a parent means you're infallible... isn't that why we turn to Mumsnet??!!

It's just a really good space to let it all out, take a deep breath and gain a little perspective.

Just let her get on with it without trying to make her feel worse!

ChantillyLace · 26/09/2007 22:47

Not at all unreasonable if mine can join her on thsat spike!!!!

Seriously though she sounds annoying but rather sad.

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:48

Isn't that the whole point of AIBU? Some people will say YABU. I say that in spades on this one...

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 22:51

To be honest I wouldn't compare a nursery nurse with a parent as a parent cares 24/7 and a nursery nurse is a job. It's not the same, ever. Looking after 30 children isn't the same as looking after your own 1, 2, 3 etc in my opinion. The level of care and interaction is different and also everyone has their own ideas on raising children.

Plus looking after a child isn't the same as being a parent, many differences.

If you don't have children then you really don't know what's it's like. You can guess but you don't really know, it's true. You can look after as many as you want but unless you have them 24/7 for years then it's not the same. It really isn't.

I also don't think the op slagged her off just because she had no children or was unmarried.

oregonianabroad · 26/09/2007 22:53

My SIL is very similar and you are right to try and put yourself in her shoes -- she probably won't end up with the fairy tale, since she is growing bitter (not a quality that attracts people, I find). My SIL is so bitter you could serve her with a martini, but she adores our kids.
Be patient, be kind.
(and yes, i do know that's a tall order at times).

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 22:54

Isn't the suggestion that she is not married or a mother because she's not charming, fun or loveable quite damning?

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 22:59

Well I assumed she had other reasons why she wasn't married or had children as well, although it's hard to attract anyone if you're not nice etc.

margoandjerry · 26/09/2007 23:03

OK am going to bed now but I just don't like this way of talking about single and childless people.

I haven't noticed that married parents are any nicer, as a rule, than unmarried childless people.

Whenever people start on that "as a parent I feel I'm so much more sensitive and caring" I find I can't get Rose West out of my mind.

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 23:07

WTF? Who said anything about unmarried parents?

JodieG1 · 26/09/2007 23:09

sorry misread that. I don't think anyone said parents or non parents were nicer than tha other. Feeding ds2 nowso can't type much

cheeset · 26/09/2007 23:14

Rose West? Aye?

WinkyWinkola · 26/09/2007 23:16

It's not that married parents are more sensitive. But perhapsp parents have more of an idea than non parents.

Yes, yes, be sensitive and kind but it's really not your problem or your fault she's not had children... .. . sorry but that's for her to deal with.

Sorry but parents have enough grief dealing with their kids let alone those who don't have children thinking they have a place to verbalise when they have don't have the right. Parents can only take so much on board. How many people are they to think of fgs?

listen to her advice. Say thanks and you'll consider it but it's up to you what you do. Just like it's up to her what she does with her personal life - you wouldn't dream of interfering in that, would you?

cheeset · 26/09/2007 23:20

Do you think your SIL wants you to know that you have something in common-an understanding about kids?
Saying that SIL's are bl annoying

Original poster

russinfrussin · 26/09/2007 23:25

oh dear - before i posted i knew i was bu - i do feel mean, and i don't think it all came out right. i've had a day and i don't think i put my point across properly - i don't think she is lesser because she isn't married or has kids but i do object to the daily offerings which can sound like digs that i'm not doing my job of bringing up ds properly. i don't have issues with her lifestyle choices!

my rant was supposed to be about her lecturing me about how unimportant screening is. i shouldn't have mentioned the falling bit because i know it is an accident and that i will have plenty of them over the years - it's just that it comes on the back of a lot of lectures about how i look after ds and dh (who hasn't been well) for that matter!

i'm not a smug married - i've had a pretty crap time with marriage recently (no ones fault - just stuff) so i know it's not the be all and end all.

this is all sounding like a huge waffle now and i don't think i'm explaining myself any better - i was annoyed because it feels like she lectures me about everything under the sun but doesn't think my wanting ds to go through screening is important - it's like her way is right, and every other health professional is wrong? the fall thing was more to point out that although she does nag about safety from my point (e.g criticizing my choice of toddler group) she is not infallible (and it was a fecking enormous slide!).

jodieg1 - yes, i do like sil, and she is really good with ds. you're right - this is just a bit of spleen venting. starting to regret it all a bit now since i seem to be going round in a circle here and not really getting my question across?

yes - head spiking is totally unreasonable but surely a little toe stubbing on a door in the middle of the night is required?

OP posts:

Original poster

russinfrussin · 26/09/2007 23:26

blimey - i type far too slowly, just realised there are loads of other messages here that i haven't read, can open, worms everywhere... will go and read them now

OP posts:

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