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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to to partners parents?

48 replies

IsoBordem · 03/07/2020 04:11

I am currently pregnant and am due in a couple of weeks. We do not live in the UK so don't have the same restrictions on visitors. My partners parents want to come and see the baby a few weeks after it is born - which is awesome and I have no issue with them visiting.

However they have decided that they would prefer to stay in a hotel near the airport, about an hours drive from us as it will be easier for them. They would like us to bring the newborn baby to them at the hotel so they can meet. I am really not comfortable with this for a few reason but the biggest one being that I don't really want to take a newborn baby to a hotel at an international airport during a pandemic. It just doesn't feel safe.

This is also our first baby and I'm worried we might not feel up to the 2 hour round trip whilst still learning how to care for our baby.

Would I be unreasonable to say no to his parents and ask that they come out to us for a visit?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/07/2020 07:17

I would not be doing that. Who the fuck do they think they are to summon you to their hotel ?

Crystal87 · 03/07/2020 07:18

Absolutely not. They should be coming to you. It's awful of them to even suggest otherwise.

fiadhflower · 03/07/2020 07:21

Oh wow, you really are not being unreasonable. There’s the car seat issue. Then if you are breastfeeding you might still be getting used to doing that and could feel uncomfortable feeding in a hotel lobby. My stitches split, so a two-hour drive a few weeks after giving birth would have been terrible. My baby hated being in the car and would cry constantly while driving, so there’s that risk. And then there is tiredness etc. All without even considering the virus.

My family all live in a different country to me. When I had our baby, almost all of my immediate family flew over to see us (at different times) within a month of the birth. They worked around us because they wanted to meet the baby, but also didn’t want to cause any hassle. It was great to see them and I am extra grateful having read this that they were very sensitive to the fact that we were new parents with a newborn.

I hope it’s just silliness on behalf of your PIL and once you say your reasons they will understand.

EspressoPatronum · 03/07/2020 07:24

God no. And as pp's have said, not even because of the pandemic, because it's totally unrealistic and inconvenient to travel that long with a newborn!!

LolaSmiles · 03/07/2020 07:31

YANBU
Even without a pandemic, who expects a postpartum woman to ferry a newborn to them?

Like others, I'd suggest setting boundaries now. Hopefully the in laws haven't thought properly as it's been a while since they had little ones, but at least you're starting as you mean to go on.

TitianaTitsling · 03/07/2020 07:34

Nope! Agree with pp especially related to newborn in car seat for that length of time! If they can travel for touristy stuff they can travel to you!

CaffiSaliMali · 03/07/2020 08:16

They can come to you! Baby shouldn't be in a car seat for that long, you and DH will be tired and you will be recovering from the birth.

It's only an hour, they can get a train/taxi/bus and visit you.

Original poster

IsoBordem · 03/07/2020 21:28

Thanks everyone, I didn’t even think about the time spent in the car seat to be honest. I will try and get my partner to talk to them. It probably won’t go down well but I need to do what’s best for the baby

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 03/07/2020 21:38

Yes, and also you need to do what’s best for you! You are probably more risk averse that I would be, and clearly less risk averse than your partner’s parents, but YOU get to decide what is right for you and your child. If it doesn’t go down well, that’s their problem, not yours. Their response should be, “Oh, OK then, we’ll come to you.” Any pushback is disrespectful. If you suspect they’ll be inclined to ride roughshod over your feelings, then you need to set boundaries now. And if they don’t care how you feel, why should you care how they feel?

saraclara · 03/07/2020 22:05

How bizarre! When you say 'a few weeks' how many is a few? If you deliver a week late, how old will the baby be?

Nope. You say you don't know when the baby will actually arrive, nor how the birth will go (stitches? Caesarian?) so you can't commit to travelling to them, as you don't know whether you'll be up to the return journey, or the baby old enough to be in the car seat for 2x1hr.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 03/07/2020 22:07

Your baby isn't a bloody pizza to deliver to their door - lazy buggars!

monkeymonkey2010 · 03/07/2020 22:14

They're only in the country for a couple of days and they've chosen to prioritize being able to go to bars and restaurants?

I guess staying close to you would mean they'd have to put their money where their mouth is....and they're more interested in setting a precedent for you revolving around them.
Do they have other narc traits?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2020 22:17

they sound like utter TWATS .... YANBU

AdriannaP · 03/07/2020 22:19

No no no
Utter madness

They can spend a night closer to your house surely.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 22:19

It won't go down well?!

OP I SERIOUSLY suggest you set those boundaries right now - they may be nice people, but you would do well to get into the habit right now of giving a BIG smile and saying 'Nope, sorry, no can do' and then just sitting back and leaving it at that.

'We won't be doing that - it's far easier for us and the baby for you to come here. I won't be up for doing that at all. It doesn't work for me.'

Sounds like the default is for them to be run around after. Well, that default just changed

FizzyGreenWater · 03/07/2020 22:22

Oh and YANBU 100% - if you even think for a minute there might be an element of being unreasonable about this, you just wait until you actually have the baby and you will be astonished (and possibly even quite angry) that people who should know what it's like with a newborn would even think of asking you to do the travelling, just so they don't have to, when it's for THEM to meet the baby.

So don't even think of agreeing and sort yoour partner out quick smart on it - tell him the foot goes down NOW because one thing you don't want to happen is that you start resenting them.

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2020 22:25

I wouldnt contemplate a 2 hour round trip. I was uncomfortable down there for a few weeks after both births. I doubt you'd feel up to going. Tell them they're welcome to visit, but you're not planning to take her on long trips that early on. Also the baby shouldn't be in her car seat for too long, it's not good for them. Also a hotel is going to be a prime spot for covid 19 among other germs. Babies are known for catching viruses easily due to their poor immune systems.

Eddielzzard · 03/07/2020 22:30

No! You'll have a newborn, no way should you be running around after them!

Time2change2 · 03/07/2020 22:38

No way should you go to them!? You will have a newborn and may need to stop and feed, change, stop baby crying! Having your first baby is life changing craziness and a rollercoaster that’s hard to imagine until you go through it.
What boggles my mind is why do parents in law / parents do this?? What happens to you as you get older to make you completely and utterly forget what it’s like to have your first baby? Your MIL has been through this.. all MIL have? Why are so many so clueless and selfish? She shouldn’t even be making you feel like this right now! You have enough on your plate!
I have made a solemn vow to myself. When I am a MIL to my two daughters in law, I will not act like this. I will not give unwanted advice, I will not push and pressurise, I will look back many times at videos and photos of my own babies and remember how I felt

BlingLoving · 03/07/2020 22:59

Bloody hell, I recovered well from both my first vaginal birth (With significant tearing) and my second emergency c section.... but the thought of sitting in a car for an hour, then hanging out in a hotel room would have been impossible for me. (and to put this in perspective, I took ds and newborn baby dd to a kids party when she was about 10ndays old, post ç section, so I consider myself pretty resilient).

Plus issues with baby in car etc.

Your pil are batshit crazy. It's an absolute no. They find a way to visit you - either drive to you or find a hotel closer.

TurquoiseDress · 03/07/2020 23:16

YANBU

Just say NO!

copperoliver · 03/07/2020 23:18

Tell them no. X

Nitpickpicnic · 04/07/2020 00:11

Now you tell them that there’s no point booking anything, the birth could be early or late, with unknown recovery time for either of you.

After you tell them that the Health Visitor/midwife/GP/hospital etc has said absolutely not to car trips over 15 mins for either of you, or visits to public places in 2020.

Send them the listings for AirBnB near you, with (short stay) dates windows that suit you across the next 6 months.

Ball is firmly in their court. When someone presents you with as firm a plan as they have, they can’t really get offended if you offer a firm alternative plan back.

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