To ask if you have turned your life around

[rooty123]

I'm 40, no career to speak of, a couple of stone overweight and wondering if anyone has been in a similar position and turned things around?

I've tried to sort my life out pretty much everyday since my early 20s but am just completely lacking in motivation (have recently been referred to an ADD service). My DH is the total opposite and can't understand why I don't just go for a run and that will sort all my issues out.

On the plus side, I currently have my health, 2 DC (who I'm failing too with my inability to complete anything I set out to do) so I know I have so much to be grateful for.

Has anyone been where I am and got where they want to be?! Any tips?! I'm just so fed up of being so shit.

I’ve just been made redundant but was feeling the same. It’s given me a bit of a kick up the bum and I’m going to retrain and get into a career I’ve been too scared to go for until now.
Is there something similar you can do? A step in the right direction?

Where is it that you do want to be OP? You seem very focused on what your life is lacking, but you don't mention what you want instead. Focusing on the positives to drive you, instead of trying to run away from negatives makes changing your mindset much easier.

You mention that you have felt like this since your 20s. Meant entirely seriously, have you considered that you may have an underlying mental health issue such as ASD or ADHD which is effecting your outlook? I've gone through periods of feeling similar. My eldest is has been flagged up as having potential issues and the more I read up on possible issues he has, the more I recognise myself.

I think it’s easier to tackle one thing at a time. If you think about all the things you want to change it can become overwhelming, but breaking it down becomes more manageable.

For example if you want to lose weight, start by drawing up a new meal plan and maybe try couch to 5k, or signing up to a weight watchers style program.

Or if you want to forge a career, think about what you’d like to do and potential options. Do you want to retrain? Try out a bunch of jobs and see what you like? Do you want to study for a qualification? Once you’ve worked that out, look into drawing up a plan for how to do that and following step by step.

But don’t think about it all as a sea of stuff you can’t control and being paralysed by not knowing what to start with. Pick one thing, make a plan and get going on it. Once that starts to take shape maybe you can try the next thing.

Me too!! 40 plus and feel my time ticking away, desperately seeking the rocket I need to get my life going in the right way. I will be watching this for inspiration. Good luck Op xx

I've tried to sort my life out pretty much everyday since my early 20s but am just completely lacking in motivation (have recently been referred to an ADD service)

Erm, wait for your assessment then?

If it is ADD, torturing yourself with stories of how neurotypical people can effect change and suggestions that 'you just have to do x or y' is the worst thing you can do, IME.

Also, completely get where you're coming from OP, and if it is ADD, the diagnosis and treatment can be life-changing.

OP, I can really relate to lots of stuff in your post. I have also wondered about ADHD etc. I really don't know what the solution is, but I'm focusing on small changes...baby steps!

In certain respects I have. It is possible.

Write down the things that you want to change, break them down into small plans of action. One thing at a time.

My only thing I need to concentrate on still, is losing weight.

Thanks for the responses. I think part of the problem is I don't know where I want to be - apart from earning more and not being a lazy lump. I've always been overwhelmed by the options and hoped I'd have worked it out by my age!

I know I should wait for the referral but I have been advised that the waiting list is huge- I'm not sure I can take many more years of being like this, the worst bit being how it now affects my DCs lives as well as mine.

No, but I really need to. Starting with my wine habit and weight. I'm fat, miserable, drinking too much and feel my anxiety taking hold.

I'm unmotivated and not even close to being a good version of myself at the moment.

I've got the summer to overhaul my mindset and shift at least the weight I've gained since lockdown began. The new me starts today!!!

I think part of the problem is I don't know where I want to be - apart from earning more and not being a lazy lump.

I can completely relate to this, OP.

I feel exactly the same, I have an ‘ok’ job but I’m not doing what I WANT to do... but I don’t know what I WANT to do!

I have been slowly trying to get back into exercising more. I tend to get really into it for a few months, then I drop off, then I pick it up again, and repeat.

I agree with PP, don’t beat yourself up about it. Maybe wait for your assessment and take things slowly from there.

I was in a real rut after university. Constantly starting new jobs and either leaving or being fired within a few months.

Diagnosed with autism at 24. Now been working in investment banking for 5 years and working my way up the ladder. Well paid enough to have bought a property alone in a premium market town in the South East (tiny 1 bed but it’s all mine!). Steady relationship, getting married, on track for promotion at work.

Getting the diagnosis was the difference but it meant some work on my behalf too. I had to reassess my identity, think about what my true goals were and use the diagnosis as a tool to learn coping strategies. So just want to say, if you follow that diagnostic pathway, think of it as just the beginning. Use it to research the characteristics and find strategies that work for you.

I know I should wait for the referral but I have been advised that the waiting list is huge- I'm not sure I can take many more years of being like this

Is temporarily going private an option? The reason I ask it is that although the waiting list for assessment is long, it can often be much quicker to get a private diagnosis then be seen on the NHS for treatment (or some private drs can do shared care agreements direct with your GP for NHS meds). I got a private diagnosis/meds then switched back when I could, but appreciate it depends on your area's services/doctors and financial means (for me, it was without doubt the most helpful credit card splurge I've ever indulged in!).

When I met the NHS psychiatrist, he didn't actually say he needed to repeat the assessment process and was just seeing me to check how he could help, but in our first appointment, he hit up all the same areas as the diagnostic criteria and the clinic letter he sent to my GP was very similar to the private diagnosis report (in fact, it was far more thorough and illuminating). And I was already on the meds privately so that's now continuing on the NHS.

In the meantime, there are lots of social/support groups for people with ADD (undiagnosed too) so I would check some of those out as their strategies will likely be more helpful to you. I always found that the advice I got from NT people when I didn't realise I had ADHD made me feel even more hopeless as it was just another level of stuff others could do that I struggled with!

There are a few ADHD/ASD/ADD threads on MN (one under MNers with SN and one under MH) and lots on Facebook, etc.

Thanks, I will check those out. Its funny because I'm obsessed with organising. I read blog posts about it and am always trying out new systems which never seem to work. So many of them are - make a list then do it... It's the doing I find hard!!

I’m sure your perception may be that you’re ‘failing your children by not completing what you set out to do’ - but please don’t feel this way! Your kids love you because you’re their mum. They don’t look at you and think “Mummy didn’t go for a run” or “mummy didn’t finish her diet” or “mummy could have a better job”. That’s your own internal perception and you are not failing your children because you ^^feel like you are failing yourself (which by the way, you probably aren’t. Like you say, you have so much to be grateful for - health, kids. And you seem like a lovely person.)

If you do feel like you want to get things done - start and finish a project, change your lifestyle etc - there’s a fabulous book called “Get Sh*t Done” which is so entertaining and really helps!!

But please don’t be too hard on yourself :) x