To not know how to reassure my daughter

[Funkyslippers]

OK I'll get straight to the point. Big noses run in our family. I have quite a large one and so does OH. I used to be quite self conscious about it but I've learned to live with it and I've never mentioned it in front of my 2 DDs. DD1 (16) has inherited my dad's nose which is pretty large. She's started to get real complex about it. The other night she was in tears so I comforted her as much as I could. I said people who were true friends couldn't care less about something you might not like about your appearance. She said they were just being kind. She is starting a new 6th form college in Sept and is worried she's going to get picked on and no one will talk to her because of it!I told her that wasn't true - she's made friends before and she will make them again. I was just wondering what else I can say to reassure her. I know it's hard being self conscious about your appearance when there's little you can do about it without plastic surgery! She really is a lovely girl and has a big heart and I also told her this is far more important than looks but she can't see it

I come from a family of large noses and it’s never stopped me in my life. I was deemed the prettiest girl in school and my sister, who has the biggest nose out of the family, like noticeably big, was never without friends or male attention.

I’m not sure how to advise you as it was just a fact of life in our home, we didn’t really ruminate over it.

I truly wouldn’t want anyone else’s noise. I often wished I was taller or had thick hair but didn’t care about my schnauzer.

I'm not really sure what else you can do. September is quite a way off so it's concerning she's worried about it already. Would some kind of distraction help? Motivational talks on YouTube about not caring what other people think ? Or people with facial deformities who lead normal positive lives ? Sorry not much help. Maybe your DH or other family members could have a chat with her it what you say isn't working. Everyone will be self conscious about something. Has she got nice eyes ? My friend used to have bad acne but really striking blue eyes. Her mum said you can draw attention to your eyes with make up (she was into make up anyway ) and they won't notice your skin. That seemed to help my friend x

Oh I do feel so sad when I see posts like this. One of those times you wish you could put an old head on young shoulders. Has she been bullied at her present school or is it the fear that it could happen that is upsetting her. I know it’s hard to look different but everyone has insecurities and differences that’s what gives faces character. If you could go and sit in a park and look at all the differences In all our faces young people forget because of bloody social media even look at her class photos there will be an assortment of looks and quirks but I bet she hasn’t picked up on them Because they are just faces of friends and class mates.

No, she hasn't been bullied but I think an ex friend did mention that it was big! I must admit I've been quite insecure about mine but realise that there's so much more to someone than their looks. Most of my friends are not what you'd call 'pretty' but they are attractive in their own way. My DD certainly is definitely attractive! I did mention she has fantastic cheekbones (not to mention a figure to die for!) and she said 'have I?!" which seemed to perk her up a bit

Of course, remind her that being a kind person is much more important. And remind her that we all have things that make us feel insecure - height, weight, hair colour and the like. Personally, I like interesting noses and wish mine was not so boring.

Also a lot of the people who make these comments are just looking for a reaction so a poker face is essential. If they get a reaction, they'll never stop. So just ignoring them and trying to take the high road is not always enough; sometimes direct action is needed.

So on a practical note, ask her what insults she has heard in the past or anticipates and then try to work out some humorous responses and role play a little. A quick, light retort often diffuses many situations and knocks incipient bullying on the head but it can be hard to produce these spontaneously.

'all the better to smell the roses with, dearie' (little red ridinghood)
'I can sniff out chocolate at 50 paces'
sniff, sniff, sniff 'you smell like a bully'

all delivered in a calm, jokey tone of voice to imply that it's no big deal and to wind down tensions.

The best defense is a good offense and being prepared is worth its weight in gold. If she feels ready to cope that might ease her anxiety.

I would focus discussions around things she likes about herself (preferably personality based rather than physical). What are her strengths, what does she do well etc.

Also ask her about what she notices about other people. Usually we see others as a whole person, but in the mirror we dissect our features and focus on details that we don't in others. So to her, her nose becomes this huge focus point every time she sees herself. For others, it is just part of the whole package. That might help her feel less self conscious.