Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to drop my son off at ex’s parents house?

26 replies

Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 13:47

Hey guys.

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. It got VERY VERY messy due to him not taking the break up well.
To the point of a court hearing against my ex for breach of the peace at my home. A residency order of my son for him to live with me due to threat of my ex keeping our son and an order for my ex not to contact me for 12 months.

I have now received a letter from my ex’s lawyer asking to arrange access for our son to see his dad. I have never stopped him doing so, it was his decision to not see him.

I have requested that yes, he can see his son any day(s) I only request it’s on a regular basis to keep communication to a minimum and that my ex’s mum collects and drops off our son.

I know for a FACT he will pick nick this and say that I’ve to share the arranged travelling but surely INBU to refuse to be part of it? I’m already making it easy for him to set any day he wants so that I’m being fair so my ex should arrange the collection and drop off?

What’s your opinion on this ladies?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 02/07/2020 13:52

I don't think YABU - I think I'd acquiesce once and try to make contact positive, and then I think I'd say dates etc need to be set in stone. Whilst being flexible is great, put some very firm boundaries in place now and don't loosen them. Your Ex has a history of treating you poorly, don't let his wants override yours.

Cadent · 02/07/2020 13:52

YANBU. A few qs:

How far do you live from each other? Have either of you moved away? Do you have a car? Does he have a car? Does he work?

Sunnydayshereatlast · 02/07/2020 13:57

Ime a solicitor sending a letter isn't a judge deeming ex suitable to have unsupervised contact. .. Imo you need to await until one does..

Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 14:00

Hi! It’s only 5 miles and both mil and ex have a car .

OP posts:
Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 14:01

Thanks for the info. Smile

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 02/07/2020 14:01

How far away are they and why should the mum have to do all the running around Confused

I think your unreasonable for bringing his mum into it when he’s a grown man, realistically that kind of arrangement isn’t going to go on forever so you might as well set something up that can last.

Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 14:02

It’s very difficult to set boundaries with ex as he deems that I’m trying to control the situation. I just don’t want to have any intervention with anyone. I’m happy to watch my son go to and from my MIL car and that’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 14:04

I know what you mean. I feel bad bringing MIL into the situation, it’s the only one I see working to be honest atm

OP posts:
BluebellForest836 · 02/07/2020 14:05

Realistically are you expecting his mum to run around and do it for how long?
It’s unreasonable to expect her to do it indefinitely

redastherose · 02/07/2020 14:05

I think that is entirely reasonable given the history and his behaviour. The only thing I would say would be that by saying any day he could take advantage and surely you have things that you need to do which may be impacted by sitting around waiting for his mum? Would be better to offer a choice of 3 days and times that suit you and for him to pick one and then he has to undertake to stick to it until he has earned some of your DC's trust back. There is nothing worse than having them sit their waiting for GM to go to see their dad and no-one turning up or turning up late.

BluebellForest836 · 02/07/2020 14:11

What will you do if the mother says no she doesn’t have time/doesn’t want to be the go between?

LemonBreeland · 02/07/2020 14:15

If Ex's Mum can't do that, then say you are happy for it to be at a contact centre as long as he arranges it.

Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 14:16

Hey ladies. Not sure if you can see my replies. It’s 5 miles each way and they both have cars. I feel terrible bringing my MIL into this but it’s a good option for my ex and I not to see each other atm. The alternative is him coming and collecting our son from the house. I now have cctv so feel safe enough for that to happen however, he will refuse that! Just don’t know what to do .....

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 02/07/2020 14:16

I think it’s unfair to bring the mother into this. It’s a big ask for her to always be available for collection and drop off.
What if she’s not available on one of the days? Your first point means they can’t change the day to another one.

Ex should be able to pick up his own son, he doesn’t have to come in the house and you don’t have to speak to him.

LochJessMonster · 02/07/2020 14:17

Cross post, well if he wants to see his son he needs to collect. You could argue you don’t feel safe travelling to meet him, whereas you fell safe and protected if he comes to your house.

PotteringAlong · 02/07/2020 14:19

What if MiL becomes ill / dies? You cannot make your son’s relationship with his dad rely on her good health .

PotteringAlong · 02/07/2020 14:20

Have you actually asked, or are you just assuming?

Waveysnail · 02/07/2020 14:26

How old is the child?

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 02/07/2020 14:26

How old is your son, and has he not seen his dad for a year? What about his grandparent? Has he seen her? I’m just trying to get a handle on if it’s a very young child we’re talking about.

TeddyIsaHe · 02/07/2020 15:07

Hold on, what does the court order say? Is your ex even allowed contact with your so ?

HollowTalk · 02/07/2020 15:09

@PotteringAlong

What if MiL becomes ill / dies? You cannot make your son’s relationship with his dad rely on her good health .
Oh for heaven's sake! Stop catastrophising. Has the OP said her ex MIL is at death's door?
HollowTalk · 02/07/2020 15:11

I think given his past record, I can see why you don't want to see this man or have him come to your house. If his mother is willing to do it, then that's the best thing to do. If his mother's as bad as he is, of course, then you might want to keep her away, too. In which case I'd only meet your ex in a public place or have him pick the child up from your friend's house.

Jaxhog · 02/07/2020 15:18

When the judge made the order about not contacting you, did they also make a comment (did you ask) about how contact with your son would then work?

But I agree with the person who said if he wants to see his son he needs to collect. You could argue you don’t feel safe travelling to meet him, whereas you feel safe and protected if he comes to your house. Unless this breaches the order. In which case, contact has to be via a mutually agreed third party i.e. your MiL. Since it's HIS contact, I think he should also be the one to arrange this.

And yes, it needs to be on the same day each week.

lifestooshort123 · 02/07/2020 15:31

I'm not sure I understand why you would feel unsafe if your ex came to your house but you're comfortable letting your son spend time with him. Anyway, let him do the driving both ways and, as long as your son is OK with it, let him walk from front door to car without involving you. It works for my daughter and grandson as, apart from a confirming text once a month, she's had no contact with her ex for years.

Original poster
Jengadreads · 02/07/2020 21:21

Thanks girls. To answer. My son is 4 and met his gran 4 months ago. The 12 month court order is now over. I think if this is denied I’ll suggest my ex coming to the house and watching my son walk over to the car. I have a house with parking right outside. I’m glad you guys have confirmed I’m not being a super bitch. Xx

OP posts: