To be concerned about this toddled’s development?

[AncientRainbowABC]

I’m usually very open minded about all sorts of parenting, but I’ve recently become aware of something I can’t get off my mind.

A distant relative has a toddler (20 months). We’ve been chatting more during lockdown. It has emerged that the toddler has never met any other children. Ever. The parents are young (early 20s) doing their best for an unplanned baby. The relative is a SAHM. I just can’t help but think this isn’t good for the toddler? He also doesn’t wave or point and doesn’t have any words apart from “mama”. Walks and runs well but otherwise seems not that engaged with the world.

I don’t want to barge in and be unhelpful as we’ve been fairly distant apart from recently and I’ve not met the child; this is from the relative’s account of things and a few videos. WIBU to very gently suggest they speak to someone to check development is on track, this age being an important one? The play with other children is a bit separate, I suppose, and I don’t know how important that is really. I know baby classes are largely for the parents, but almost 2 feels like playing with others would now benefit the toddler himself. If I do say something, should I address the two things or just the milestones? Basically I can’t work out if this is just different to what I’m used to or genuinely not great.

Grateful for views and thoughts as ever.

My nephew is 2 and cannot talk, wave, feed himself with a spoon, use a proper cup or interact with other children.

I would NEVER say anything to my sister. He is glued to the TV as thats all hes interested in. Hes also started clapping his hands an awful lot.

They wont thank you for pointing it out to them or making them think there is something wrong with their child. Let the health visitor, nursery or school pick it up

The toddler should have a two year review with a health visitor in a few months, your concerns will most likely be flagged up then. I would hold off.

I think your concerns come from a good place but honestly I wouldn’t be too quick to “address” with them. You might be unaware of an issue that they just haven’t chosen to discuss.

Out 2 yr old is non verbal right now just before lockdown his hearing was assessed and he was due a SALT assessment (which was cancelled) and he’s been referred to paediatrics as GP strongly suspects autism in him. Until we know more we’ve chosen not to discuss this with our families because we want to know what’s what before we start involving others and give ourselves a chance to get our heads straight.

I think I’d be really upset if I was accused of not doing the best for my child because an outsider formed an opinion not based on all the facts

If the problem is apparent from a few videos and chats with the parents, I'm sure it will be picked up on the 2 year review. I'd stay out of it, no one will thank you for (what they'll perceive as) criticising their child/ parenting.

The year 2 review isn’t done everywhere though (2 kids, never had one).
Maybe point them to some toddler groups in a kind of “ my friend is going there and loves it” way?

HV are also doing reviews over the phone at the moment so may not get picked up depending on how honest they are

My son didn't see any HV between the ages of 11 months and 3years old so it might not be picked up for quite some time

I wouldn't do anything apart from keeping an eye on the situation. He is still within the 'normal ' range I would say. Child development can vary.

Thanks everyone. That’s a useful sense-check, appreciate it. Particularly helpful about parents potentially wanting to get ducks in a row before involving others.

My concerns do come from a good place, in the sense that the sooner help is in place (if any needed), the better.

Not to drip feed, and in any case your overall steer that it’ll get picked up eventually still stands, but the mother doesn’t have any interest in baby groups/play dates, doesn’t see their use. The toddler won’t be going to nursery as she’s a SAHM, they live away from all family, so all this may not be obvious and they’re young and learning as they go. Again fully appreciate this will eventually surface. Perhaps I’ll think instead of how to support if needed. Thanks! 😊

On reviews, they seem to think they won’t be getting one any time soon.

Is the no nursery a cost thing or a parenting choices? If it's cost, then it might be worth mentioning 2 year old funded hours (if there likely to qualify due to low income). I'd probably say something like 'my friends kid is a similar age and just qualified for free nursaey hours, though I'd mention it in case you hadn't heard of the scheme.'

If you havent seen them for nearly 2 years you arent really in a position to start giving them parenting advice.

You could potentially do it under the guise of suggesting things. Like sending a link to the 2 years early funding if you think they'll be eligible and say "didnt know if you had seen this, could be good for X" or tag her in a facebook page of a local toddler group or something

My nephew is 2 and cannot talk, wave, feed himself with a spoon, use a proper cup or interact with other children.

I would NEVER say anything to my sister. He is glued to the TV as thats all hes interested in. Hes also started clapping his hands an awful lot.

Christ. It's depressing that you'd rather collude in parental neglect than either have a conversation or offer to help out yourself if she needs support. Your decision could impact your nephew's development for the rest of his life.

No ones suggesting having a go. But gentle suggestions of activities or discussions of milestones may help to raise awareness of problems.

Some of these children may never catch up if they don't get the developmental support they need.

your posts comes across as bitchy and judgemental regarding the parents esp the mum. there is nothing wrong with a 1 year old not socialising with other DC. not needed at that age at all.

you haven't met the DC. there will be a 2 year check.

If you were a close friend or someone who genuinely cares, I would encourage you to say something (I have a DC with SN and been there). But going off the tone of your post, I would suggest you do yourself and them a favour and leave them alone.

Maybe point them to some toddler groups in a kind of “ my friend is going there and loves it” way?

^This is good advice IMO. It really does sound like the toddler needs more stimulation, and toddler groups are great for that. And they're good for mums too; I really benefited from them when my DDs were toddlers.

It's good that you're concerned, because if there are any SEN the earlier they're picked up on the better.

My DD1 (11) has hearing problems and wears hearing aids. Language delay really can be down to hearing problems. It's not an easy thing for a parent to accept (I didn't want to believe that of DD1), but hearing problems are very easily manageable these days. And this is an important stage for language development. We had very good support from the Hearing and Balance Centre at the Leeds General Infirmary and from our LEA.

I'm obviously not saying that this is necessarily the case, but it's certainly something that needs to be considered if there is language delay.

I’m going to go slightly against the grain and disagree a little bit that early intervention is that important.
I think children develop at different rates and making an issue of something prematurely can label a child for life. My son is a little behind with his speech but I’m holding off the SALT as I think he just needs time and not an issue being made of it all.
There’s almost no Hv service in my area and no toddler groups running at the min. My sons speech has come on significantly in the last 3 months (he’s 2.5) so this toddler is still young to be worried about

What makes you say they've never met other children?

Even if a child doesn't do classes or playgroups, they'd likely go to a park, or softplay?

A lot of young children are lacking peer interaction right now - it's been nearly 4 months since things like playgroups were open, and it's probably only in the last 6 months or so that he'd really benefit from seeing others anyway.

I think it's very hard to get a picture of someone's life through social media.

How do you expect the toddler to play with others in the middle of a global pandemic when we’re not allowed to mix freely? Pretty much all toddler groups etc are cancelled. Lots of parks remain closed. I have a 2yo and would love him to play with others but it isn’t possible at present. Even the 2 year review with the HV was done over the phone.

I would not worry too much about the child not playing with other children. Until quite recently, many babies and toddlers did not have much exposure to 'peer group' play; even if they had siblings, the age gap even of 2 or 3 years is huge at that age. The child does seems a bit delayed in language and communication. Comprehension is generally more important than production. If he understands quite a few words, and follows his parents' pointing, I wouldn't worry too much about his not speaking or pointing much himself. If he seems delayed in understanding words or gestures, that is more worrying. How do you know that the child isn't showing good communication skills yet? If his mother has expressed concerns about it, then I would suggest that she check with a doctor or (if available) health visitor. If she is not concerned, then it's a bit tougher, but I might suggest that she check with a doctor to be sure that he doesn't have a hearing problem that's delaying his speech: most parents would be less upset by mention of a hearing difficulty (especially as this is often due to treatable causes in young children) than mention of more worrying possible causes such as learning disabilities or autism.

Yes I agree that this is really a consequence of lockdown. I should think that there are a lot of families that are in a similar position. Hopefully, now things are opening up again, toddler groups will be able to start again too. Although I can see why social distancing will make that tricky.

@Veterinari

My nephew is 2 and cannot talk, wave, feed himself with a spoon, use a proper cup or interact with other children.

I would NEVER say anything to my sister. He is glued to the TV as thats all hes interested in. Hes also started clapping his hands an awful lot.

Christ. It's depressing that you'd rather collude in parental neglect than either have a conversation or offer to help out yourself if she needs support. Your decision could impact your nephew's development for the rest of his life.

No ones suggesting having a go. But gentle suggestions of activities or discussions of milestones may help to raise awareness of problems.

Some of these children may never catch up if they don't get the developmental support they need.

Its not neglect!

My sister wouldn't appreciate it if i implied i thought her child had learning difficulties. Shes very laid back and isnt interested in checking if he meets his milestones on time. Shes very much of the thought that they are all different.

He goes to nursery one day a week (although hasnt been since March) so im hoping they mention it.

Babyboomtastic this is what the toddler’s mother has told me. I had also initially assumed she meant no organised groups. But she says they only go to the supermarket and sometimes for a walk in a relatively isolated bit of greenery. No soft play or playgrounds at all. No family children nearby and being first among friends no friends’ children. This was meant in the sense that she thinks it’s probably strange he hasn’t met any children.

I do agree it’s hard to get the full picture remotely, even if we do now chat most nights (so I’m not just going off a news feed). That’s why I’ve been hesitant, and now will hold off unless asked something related.

Totally get they will all be disconnected at the moment and I suppose levels the playing field for this toddler in the long run.

It does sound from all the posts that on balance this doesn’t merit saying something. Again, thank you.

No soft play or playgrounds at all
They’ve been closed for months. Were you expecting her to climb the fence?

Well since all toddler groups soft play and playgrounds have been shut since March it’s not that strange she’s not going to any of those.

I had my DS when I was aged 37. I didn't particularly socialise with anyone with babies or young children at the time. In fact, I don't really like other peoples' children at all!!!

I went to the antenatal classes and mixed with other women who were also pregnant - most of them younger than me. After DS was born I met up a couple of times with some of the other new mums - but didn't really have anything in common with them other than to have had a baby! I really didn't enjoy these meetings.

Then DH had a promotion and we moved about 70 miles away. I was in an area where I knew no-one.

I was lucky enough to be able to be at home with DS until he was 15 months old. Then I returned to work for 3 days a week and found a lovely childminder who had a son a year older than my DS, who was the first child she ever looked after.

So my DS had no contact with any other children until then - 15 months old!