to ask how to be normal (or at least pretend to be)

[phonicswithsonic]

I am not a people person. I would be quite happy, just me and my other half, and the kids to not see another soul. It's not just that I like being alone, pottering at home. I feel like I just don't quite get how people work and think, don't quite understand what's expected of me, and therefore spend a lot of time overthinking conversations to wonder what I did wrong. Basically social interactions make me quite anxious, it's like a foreign language I don't quite understand.

For me, this aspect of lockdown was strangely good. I'm a SAHM anyway, but during lockdown I had an excuse not to see anyone, no pressures of anything to do / organise and me and the kids had a great time making our own adventures. I am finding coming out of lockdown hard. All of a sudden there are people everywhere, one of my DC is back at preschool for a few mornings to get ready for school and there's pressure for meeting people for the kids to play and that anxiety is back in my life. I don't think I'd quite appreciated how much I was struggling until it was suddenly relieved if that makes sense.

I just have this feeling that I don't quite 'fit'. I really struggle with small talk, and making friends. I do have a couple of friends (who don't live nearby unfortunately) who I trust and can be myself with, but other than that I feel like it's a constant act to be normal and second guess what I should do. I find it exhausting. Even in my family I have this feeling of not quite fitting. I shrink into a corner and am quiet.

I guess I'm just wondering how other people manage this? Is it possible to feel a bit more at ease? My preferred coping strategy would be to move to a remote uninhabited island, but sadly I guess the prospects of that are slim!

I could have written your post tbh. I suspect a lot of people feel the same.
This lockdown has done wonders for my mental health because I haven't felt under pressure to see people!

I think the best thing you can do is to accept yourself as you are. If you are unhappy with how unsociable you feel then that needs addressing but if not then why try to make a fish climb a tree?

I’m the same. Tbh I’m old enough now that I don’t give a shit any more. I do what I like; if I don’t want to make small talk I don’t. Socialising for me is more likely to include a structured activity of some kind such as a game or hobby.

I used to manage a bit better before having kids. If it were just me I could get away with not seeing anyone else, but obviously the kids need to see other children, and unfortunately because they're so young that necessitates me being there too. Seeing other people happily chatting away to friends is like a constant reminder of how socially useless I am and I feel like I'm letting my kids down too as they get left out of things. At least I'm not alone!

sounds like such an odd thing but about a year ago I wanted to see a new film and had nobody else to ask. Now, usually I would have just sat at home and felt sad but I thought no, fuck it, and I took myself off to watch it at the cinema alone. It was such a revelation! Up until lockdown of course I made it my go to treat. Just me, the big screen and my popcorn and because I don't have to wait for anyone else I can go when I want to so sometimes it is literally just me in the whole screening!
I am not quite brave enough yet but I rather like the idea of being one of those women who has lunch in a restaurant alone with a book.

Have you considered you may be on the autistic spectrum? You describe yourself the same way I would one of my tennis mates. She manages fine socially but won't engage in small talk. 2 of her 3 boys are autistic, one high functioning aspie.

@LizzieMacQueen my family have joked about that at times. I've never taken it seriously or looked into it though. I think I'm just socially awkward and my DH is very similar to me (though maybe stresses over it less). It's hard to know what's normal as it's who I am if that makes sense, I think everyone else is a bit odd to be honest and we have the right idea !

It’s not necessarily widespread but I don’t think it’s particularly unique to just you either. There are many people who feel a similar way to you. If your way of life works for you and your family and you’re happy, is it the worst thing in the world? You don’t have to change to fit in or pretend to be someone you’re not if you’re generally quite settled.

Some people find socialising and small talk very easy naturally and don’t have to think about it. Some find it incredibly difficult to navigate and have no idea how to do it. And I think most people sit somewhere in the middle.

Some people assume that socialising comes easily to every else. Sometimes the people it looks easy for are also worried or easily embarrassed or get exhausted by too much interaction, they just deal with it differently. Not that there is any obligation, but if you feel the pressure to do certain things, examine why, then make a conscious decision to do or not.

It's cliche but 'normal' doesn't exist. I could have written your post myself. I have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, I'm not saying you have that. It's just one example of the hundreds of explanations out there that lead people to feel the way you feel. Some people just aren't wired to feel comfortable and energised around other people and that is totally ok. You're not weird or abnormal. Society seems to prize the extroverts and those with a load of friends but sod society. If you are happy then just do you.

You're an introvert, there's nothing wrong with that. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.