Am I losing my mind?

[Whatismyproblem1]

Ok, so this is long. And please no nasty comments as I know I sound crazy.
Basically, I had a best friend from aged 13 (male, we’ll call him josh), which developed in to romantic feelings by aged 14/15. He felt the same. But he was a bit of a “bad boy” so I tried to stay away in that way. Anyway, over the next couple of years, we’d kissed, had sex once, but each time he tried to take it to relationship level, I chickened out, and backed away. Ended up in a relationship with someone else. I know what you’re thinking.. a bit of a slag etc. And I will be brutally honest, I was pretty messed up. I didn’t have a very good home life, though I kept it hidden, I had no self worth and male attention. 15/16 year old girl with daddy issues, thinking that attention from boys would fill that void.

Anyway, things kept carrying on that way, until I met someone. He was abusive, to which I didn’t realise till Id had 2 of his kids. I managed to leave him (worst thing is leaving a narcissist, I certainly paid for it). Anyway, by this point, I was 21. I met up with Josh. No funny business, just a catch up. He kept hinting about “what ifs” between me and him. Yet I still couldn’t say anything. I realised he never really left my mind.
After that, I didn’t hear anything from him.
I eventually met the man I’m with now. Will call him Jake. Jake is amazing. He is everything you could want. Supportive, we never argue, he is understanding of my issues (depression, anxiety).

My children are now late teens and 8. I’m in my 30s. I have a fairly easy life. I can’t complain.

I have not seen nor heard from Josh since I was 22. And I wouldn’t ever get in touch with him. I love my partner more than life.

So why does josh keep appearing in my dreams at night, and pop up in my head regularly?! What the hell is wrong with me? Yes my feelings for him were intense, but it was silly young love that never took off. I don’t really know anything about him now, I don’t have any mutual friends with him in life.

I’d never hurt or leave my partner for anything. I’m generally happy in life. But I feel guilty for these thoughts that won’t leave me alone. This has got a lot worse since lockdown. Which makes me wonder if my mental health is getting worse. But I can’t really explain how or why.

God I sound a bit messed in the head don’t I? Please no nasty comments, I’m well aware of how I seem.

I just need to know how I can get rid of these intrusive thoughts. I don’t want them!

Thank you x

Lockdown is doing a lot of weird things to people's dreams apparently. Perhaps you haven't been at home this much since your teen years and so your subconscious has reverted to that? I keep feeling like lockdown feels a bit like school holidays haha

You don't sound messed in the head at all.

I wonder if perhaps it's not Josh you are thinking of/longing for, but what he represented to you at the time- security, stability in the form of friendship, reliability?

Have there been things happen lately that have made you feel a little off-centre or anxious about the unknown?

Have you had any therapy? I think it could be really helpful for you to be able to pick through some of your thoughts, get to the root of why you have them, and then have techniques in place to change your thought pattern.

1. You definitely weren’t a slag because you kissed and had sex once. Please don’t feel like you are, or like you should be ashamed.

1. I’ve had the weirdest dreams of my life in lockdown. It’s doing strange things to our subconscious brains. It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy with your partner or that you would have been happy with Jake. It’s just a manifestation of something your brain is working through.

*would have been happy with Josh, sorry

I think we all wonder about The One That Got Away OP and sometimes it can consume your thoughts, especially at times like these. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’re respectful of your DP keeping you thoughts to yourself and you’ve not acted on them. I wouldn’t say it’s anything to worry about at all.

This though;
I know what you’re thinking.. a bit of a slag
You can pack that right in. You are entitled to casually sleep with however many people you like. You’re also allowed to have/not have as many relationships as you like. This does not mean you’re a slag, a bit of or otherwise.

OP please don't ever refer to yourself as a slag, or assume that anyone else would. People that refer to women in that way are invariable utter assclowns.

You were messed up and craving something you didn't have - no judgement from here. I agree that this pandemic has done a lot in terms of changing people, and has given people more time to dwell on study they'd never normally give a moments thought to. Maybe you need to do something physical - write him a letter, pour it all out, then burn it and toast a marshmallow on the feelings fire.

Thank you for your replies.
I have had therapy in the past, but I feel I can’t be totally honest about things, I think this whole thing with Josh is my guilt of even talking about it.

I partly wonder whether it stems back to my ex (the abusive one) as josh didn’t like him, and I was made to get rid of all my friends when I got with my ex. My ex had a profound influence over how I am now, he really messed up my life. I wish I had never met him, yes I had my kids with him, they’re the only reason I’ve not gone completely mad. I feel guilty for thinking I wish I’d never met him Cos of them!
But truth is, Josh wanted to be with me, but I chose my ex. Maybe that’s where it comes from.
Who knows. Maybe I should look at getting a counsellor to sort it, I can’t go on thinking about the past, or it will mess up my present x

I think a counsellor is a good way to go. If anything, so you can get it off your chest.

I hope your able to make peace with what’s in the past soon

In regards to saying about being a slag.. I never really thought of it like that. I had a a friend that liked to call me that as a teen, turned out it stemmed from me having boobs and her not having boobs. I couldnt really Help that.
And I had my first child at 17, so I got called a slag for that by people. Plus my ex always calling me it. It gets in your head after a while x

Thank you for being so understanding all. It’s really helped knowing I’m not losing my mind!

I really was fine before lockdown. I was at college, retaking my GCSEs, Josh would be a fleeting thought every now and again.
I think I feel a bit trapped at the moment. My partner works full time (though not as much as keeps having to be furloughed) and my kids do their own thing at home as they’re not little. I think I just feel a bit lost and I don’t know what to do with myself. The sooner things get back to as normal as possible, the better x

I’m really sorry that your ex had such a profound effect on you. Its very hard not to let the impact of that rear it’s head up on your life from time to time, but in the case of Josh I would try not to worry so much about thinking about him. It doesn’t mean you feel differently for your partner, I just think it’s natural to wonder sometimes about those who have had an impact on your life, and Josh sounded like a positive one at least.

I used to be in a relationship with someone for years who treated me quite badly, and for a long time after I met DH I thought from time to time about my ex - not in a romantic way, I just thought about him. I eventually realised I thought about my ex because life with my DH was just so different and calm, and what I thought was intense love was actually just unnecessary drama. Thoughts are just thoughts. You don’t have anything to worry about unless they turn in to actions.

Honestly, it’s just a dream. You wouldn’t over analyse a dream about anyone else the way you’re analysing this. It’s just because he crosses your mind occasionally and real life is sometimes a bit boring. You haven’t got the drama you had with Josh, but that doesn’t mean anything really.

I often have really intense dreams about my first boyfriend, along the lines of being utterly head over heels in love, soulmates forever. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband, and they’re completely random.

Also, you’re not a slag for having a baby at 17, or having teenage sex. People calling you that are trying to upset you and shut you up. Don’t let them!

I've a few exs and I only dream about one. It's the one that I never really had a proper ending with, even though I recognise from what I know about him and his lifestyle now that we would not be a good match, I still wish that I'd told him how I felt at the time instead of being too scared of being rejected. The dreams do make me think 'what if...' and then reality kicks in and I realise the answer is 'it would have been shit because the things that meant it woukdnt have worked out at the time, are clearly all still there (I know from mutual friends).

What I'm trying to say is, I don't think its mentally cheating or anything or a sign you're not happy with your current partner. I think it's more that because you never gave the relationship a chance there is a big unresolved question about what would have happened. It's like when you watch a film with a happy ending and one where there is a question mark about how it ends, your brain will think more about the one where its unresolved

I can't remember what program it was, but it explained how those teenage relationships are so "intense" that lots of people carry the memory all the way through adulthood.
First relationships have a real impact.

Also I do think when you think of that person, you are also thinking of that time in your life with all those teenage hormones and feelings mixed in. I often have a lot more dreams that are set in the past when I was late teens early 20s than are set day 10 years ago when I was working

I'm hoping this is perfectly normal as a guy I knew (as a close acquaintance) 45 yeas ago and who died about 15 years ago often pops up in my dreams. I've thought it a bit strange but never considered I was losing my mind...

I’m sorry about your friend who died. That is perfectly normal. I just felt I was losing my mind because my thoughts have ramped up a lot over lockdown, and didn’t know why x

I do think we look back on our young loves with nostalgia which adds something of an idyllic quality to those memories. When we are young our relationships are generally less complex with fewer things to worry about - there’s no kids or getting older struggles and general mundanity of day to day life. And when you’re a teenager your hormones compound your feelings, it’s intense and full on - addictive really.

So I think mostly when we look back at our first loves or partners from teens/early 20s it’s more about the freedom of that time, rather than that specific person.

I used to think of my first boyfriend a lot. With hindsight, I think I missed the freedom of youth and the lack of responsibility (I was a single parent to 2, with a mortgage). I bumped in to him by chance, went in a date. It was laughable - he was a monumental twat now; perhaps always had been. Anyway, he vanished from my mind permanently and instantly.

I think it's fairly normal OP. It's just mourning the past and what could have been. No need for it to go anywhere. Lockdown has been stressful. I imagine you and DP have been under each others feet constantly. Time will pass, focus on your relationship. Ignore it and it will go, as your relationship flourishes, as you lavish it with care.