Am I in the wrong?

[whatsaredflag]

DH put dinner in the oven while I was working. After a while I could smell burning went to investigate and dinner was almost ruined.

I was pissy because we were in the same room so if I could smell it then surely he could and as usual I'd had to stop what I was doing and sort it out. After a few terse words I was told all I had to do was speak the fuck up.

AIBU or not? I'm really annoyed at the minute.

Hmm, I don't know that you've done much wrong here tbh.

If he's put the dinner in the oven, as far as I'm concerned, he's assumed responsibility for it. I'd be annoyed that he'd put the dinner on and then not bothered about it. The fact that he expects you to speak up to remind him to check the dinner that he put on is bloody ridiculous.

One thing that I've seen written on here a lot is about the invisible mental load. And this is a good example of it. He put dinner on but needs you to remind him to check it. But he'll get the ass pats for cooking dinner even though he just stuck it in the oven and then forgot about it. Making it your responsibility to speak up to remind him to check it is completely unreasonable.

The only caveat I'd add to all of this is if it was a one-off. If he normally cooks dinner without needing supervision, prompts or reminders, then I'd cut him some slack. By the tone of your post though, this doesn't sound like a one-off.

Disclaimer - I'm very sensitive to this kind of bollocks as my DP pulls this shit all the time then preens for having done something around the house. I have to stop working to remind him to check the potatoes blah blah. It's this type of mental load which is so exhausting because even when you're not technically doing dinner, you still have to think about what needs doing and when. Aaargh!

@exhaustedflamingo that's what I'm trying to say but haven't articulated it well.

"Babe, smells like dinner is burning, can you grab it as I'm working?"

really? let's pander to these manchildren - he put it in the oven, unless he said "hey, wifeypoo, it needs to come out at xxx time, can you remind me if i get distracted?" he's 100% in charge. OP was working, FFS.

I'm being ignored so I'm clearly to blame!

Christ theres some handmaiden answers on here. Depressing.

Of course yanbu. He burnt the dinner because he was watching tv. You were working. It was already burnt when you smelled burning so you saying anything at that point wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Did he make something else, or expect you to?

Honest to god, he should have to think sometimes too. All the thinking shouldnt be down to you. He isnt a bloody child.

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood

Christ theres some handmaiden answers on here. Depressing.

Of course yanbu. He burnt the dinner because he was watching tv. You were working. It was already burnt when you smelled burning so you saying anything at that point wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

Did he make something else, or expect you to?

Honest to god, he should have to think sometimes too. All the thinking shouldnt be down to you. He isnt a bloody child.

No I made something else for myself.

I burn stuff occasionally - no one but the cat to blame. Don;t always smell it until too late.
Maybe he's got covid & lost sense of smell?

Maybe he's got covid & lost sense of smell?
Even if he has, waiting until you can smell burning is not how you generally cook a meal.

It doesn't matter who smelled it or didn't. He put it in the oven and should have known how long to leave it in and made sure he left it in that long. Not hard.

YW bothBU

Him for his language / the way he spoke to you, but you, in the first instance for getting up to be a martyr rather than just saying "I can smell something burning - do you want to see if all is well" or "I can smell something burning - what time should it be ready ?" or "I can smell burning - do you want to check on the dinner?" etc etc etc

Also, this Had he smelt it? Perhaps not..? Things that smell strong to one person can be imperceptible to someone else.

My dd has a MUCH more sensitive sense of smell than I do.

I don't think either of you are to blame really, it was just an accident.

He put dinner in the oven and presumably didn't burn it on purpose. I mean, he didn't smell it burning and ignore it for a laugh. Ergo, he didn't smell it burning, even if you think that he should have done.

You got pissy with him, but for what, an unintentional, accidental cock-up?

If you were telling him off for ignoring the burning, of course he was irritated by that - because if you could smell it you should have told him, because you were blaming him for something he didn't do on purpose, which always feels unjust if you're on the receiving end.

It's just one of those things. If you love each other, draw a line under it.

Accident??😳

Nope, the DP felt his job was done in sticking the food in the oven.

All food has a 'cook time'. If people can smell burning, someone's fucked up.

I'm long partnered married. I say 'can you manage dinner tonight, darling?' (Given that I've almost certainly decided what it will be and either shopped for it myself or detailed the ingredients on the shopping list!).

That means - deal with it, up to plating; esp as we have two young, but adult sons at home.

People need to understand that meal preparation is a process.

@Miljea

Accident??😳

Nope, the DP felt his job was done in sticking the food in the oven.

All food has a 'cook time'. If people can smell burning, someone's fucked up.

I'm long partnered married. I say 'can you manage dinner tonight, darling?' (Given that I've almost certainly decided what it will be and either shopped for it myself or detailed the ingredients on the shopping list!).

That means - deal with it, up to plating; esp as we have two young, but adult sons at home.

People need to understand that meal preparation is a process.

I think on threads like this I always think the OP is overreacting because comments like the above are so far from my reality.

Why would you be with a man who needs to be spoken to like a child just to cook dinner?

I'm my house, if the dinner had burnt it would be an accident. If we were both stressed there may be a few ffs words from both sides but would most certainly end with us laughing about it.

I'm my house, if the dinner had burnt it would be an accident. If we were both stressed there may be a few ffs words from both sides but would most certainly end with us laughing about it.

Totally.

And the ability to speak up when you realise the other half of your team has made a mistake is about as far from being a 'handmaiden' as it's possible to get.

Huge amounts of projection going on here.